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1999-2001
"See this pole? I built this pole."
-- Nick
"It's good to own land."
"Must be nice to be the boss."
-- Nick & Kellie
"We're in the children's section, reading about depression."
-- Amanda"Just kill yourself. It's the best way."
-- Rich
"Just go with your gut."
"No! Go with your pigtails!"
-- Lindsay and Amanda"You know what this all-girl porn needs? Some cock."
-- Rich
"You know I like you, Nick. I'm just trying to destroy you slowly."
-- Mark
"Okay, remember: Rich has bad knees. Kellie has boobs. And Nick is a coward."
-- Mark, to Amanda, re: four-square strategery."Mommy, who is going to be the next President?"
"We don't know yet, honey. It looks like it will either be Barack Obama or John McCain."
"Oh, mommy! It can't be McCain! That would be like four more years of Bush!"
-- Anna (who is ten) and Sheila, her mother.
"I don't want to say... it starts with 'm'... and ends with 'asturbate.'"
-- Chelsea
"Remember that time I passed out on the bar?"
"Yes."
-- Chelsea & Sonya
"I'm Kellie."
"I'm Sonya."
"I'm a big fan."
"...Me too."
"I mean, I'm a big fan of you."
"Yeah. Me too."
-- Kellie & Sonya"I saw this ERA picture associated with you. It said ERA: It's the American way. And I thought, "Earned Run Average is the American way?" I did not understand."
-- Josh
"Canada! They're putting my show on in Canada! I'm an international phenomenon."
-- Kellie
"We have to go to IHOP and get WASTED on food."
-- Girl sitting behind me at Psycho Beach Party
"It was pretty much a Charlie Brown kind of day."
-- Guy sitting behind me at Psycho Beach Party
"Do you have to read the whole book before you give it a bad review?"
-- Kellie's Mom"There's no group sex in my memoir."
-- Old woman at the memoir-writing workshop
"H.P.C. is doing Psycho Beach Party and Charles Berman is Kanaka!"
"... I don't understand a single thing you just said."
-- Kellie and her mom
"Rent?"
"Bret!"
"Brent?"
"Bret! As in Bretterson!"
-- Kellie and Amanda
"You have to tell me all about your Adventures In Liberty... that sounds like the title of Barack Obama's next book!"
-- Chelsea"How do you make gloves out of children??"
"The leather that you can get from children is very soft. Like calf skin gloves. They'll be all the fashion in spring time."
-- Kellie and Gabel"Your baby does not come with ketchup!"
-- Amanda (or flatware, it turns out)
"You're the one who wants to have sex, not me!"
-- Amanda (to her Sims)
"I've got a question. How could spanking be fun?"
-- Victoria (age 9)
"That's the kind of horrible abusive relationship I'd LOVE to be in!"
-- Rich
"You'll totally fuck if I tell you to."
-- Kellie, (re: her Sims)
"All my friends from high school drink vitamin water now..."
-- Amanda
"You're like a weight I can't get rid of."
-- Anna, to her mother
"Come on baby, it's a small world. Let me buy you some contacts."
-- Man talking on cell phone on the bus
"Ow! My nipples!"
-- Amanda
"They walked in the door and looked at me! They didn't even look at my vagina! I had to pay $200 and I didn't even take off my pants!"
-- Amanda (of her ER visit).
"If you abuse a cat enough, it will love you forever."
"Just like French people!"
-- Rich and Kellie.
"She is a baby but I am six, so I am a GIANT compared to her!"
-- Michael (age 6), talking about his little sister.
"My mom is coming tomorrow... so if you have a chance, do you think you guys could be a little bit... less squalid?"
-- Kellie, to Amanda and Rich
"How old do you think I am?"
"Twenty."
"How old do you think Rich is?"
"Forty."
-- Amanda and Victoria (age nine).
"I'm gonna kill that bitch!"
-- Anthony (age three), while watching Harriet the Spy.
"Want to come to the bank with me?"
"No... I have a pizza in the oven. And I'm talking to two people. One of whom might kill himself."
"Oh. That's important."
"Well, sure. But not as important as the pizza, apparently, since I mentioned that first."
-- Amanda and Kellie
"Why does my finger smell like vagina? I know I washed my hands before I left work..."
-- Amanda
"Every time someone mentions eBay, I think about Chad D'Entrone's kidney."
-- Kellie
"We should take Nick to see that."
"Because he's filmy?"
"He's not filmy, but he's scripty."
"No, he is filmy. And he should take a shower."
-- Amanda and Rich
"We should have called Rich and said, Congratulations, you have been cast as Sky Masterson in Bargaining."
-- Amanda
"It's a sign!"
"The universe is telling me that I'm a dirty, dirty, dirty person."
-- Kellie and Amanda
"Those things you laugh at with your friends... aren't actually funny."
-- Rich
"Rob and Joe don't want to hang out with me."
"Have you tried telling them you don't want to jump their bones?" (Kellie smacks herself in the forehead.) "...Unless you do... Then I wouldn't say that."
-- Kellie and Sheila
"I had to stop smoking pot because I hated the hangovers."
-- Kellie's Mom
"I'm in your cul-de-sac, stealing your unsecured wi-fi."
-- Kellie"What?!? First of all, how does grandma even know what 'gay' is? Was there A Very Special Episode of Diagnosis Murder?!?"
-- Kellie (after learning that her grandmother once said to her mother, "You know, I think I might have been gay. I never enjoyed having sex with your father.")"HI KELLIE I CAN'T HEAR YOU 'CAUSE I'M AT A CONCERT SO I'LL JUST ASSUME YOU CALLED TO WISH ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SO THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU AND I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER!"
-- Joe, answering the phone when I called him on his birthday"It's good to assert yourself with an empty bladder."
-- Amanda
"If I end up with pneumonia, I'll have no one but myself to blame."
-- Kellie
"I'll deal with your awkwardness, if you can deal with my insecurity that will, from time to time, result from your awkwardness."
-- Kellie
"Well, I'm not a director, but that seems like a bad sign. Oh, wait! I am a director! That's definitely a bad sign!"
-- Kellie (when Brandon said that Charlie Brown didn't have a run-through until the day before opening)Kapouwy: i really don't want this place to suck me in
eviltwinardnax: Well I thought Steve V. would be sucked in. But then the NSA sucked him out!
Kapouwy: that happens... from time to time"Sometimes I just stand here, and I look down at the trees and the mountains... and I think... I gave up Manhattan for THIS?"
-- Rob G.
"Are you flirting with me on purpose?"
-- Kellie
"You guys don't mind making out with each other, right?"
"It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it."
-- Kellie (to Amanda and Rob) & Amanda"You're from Illinois?"
"Yeah."
"Do you like Barack Obama?"
"I love him."
"Wait... when did you become a sports fan?"
-- Alex, Kellie, Alex, Kellie, Chelsea"I'm attacking Japan with my atomic monster."
-- Amanda
"I'd know that midriff anywhere."
-- Kellie, of Amanda's bare stomach
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