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Of Slackerdom
Tuesday, August 28, 2007 @ 4:52 AM
It's six in the morning, and I'm kinda freaking out about my life.
Amanda and I are supposed to move in together as soon as she finds a job. But the places we've looked at are so expensive that I would have to spend all my time working, most likely at some kind of bullshit job, depending on the area. I'm considering applying to be a substitute teacher, because all that really takes, apparently, in the state of New York, is a B.A., which I have. (Finally! Those years in college may possibly pay off!) But the point is that I would be struggling like mad to make ends meet. My fear is that it could be Chicago all over again: I'm exhausted and bitter from working all the time, I never make any friends, I mooch off the social life of my roommate and become increasingly isolated until I end up back in a hospital.
My other option is to continue to live with my mother, work part time - as a substitute and/or at the hotel, who have been begging me to come back - live basically rent-free, save my money, and suffer the stigma of living at home and not even having my own car. I hardly know anyone in Binghamton, even now that the students are back. So my odds for a social life are roughly the same. My fear is that I'll get so desperate to meet people my own age that I enroll in graduate school at Binghamton. Or, I get so discouraged with the hopelessness of my dead-end, shiftless life that I end up back in a hospital.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! I CAN'T MAKE ANY DECISIONS! I'M LIKE DANTE IN "CLERKS!" NO ONE LIKES ME! EVERYONE HATES ME! I'M WORTHLESS AND I'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Okay. It felt good to get that out.
Maybe I'll figure some things out when I'm in Chicago. For now, all I can do is try to convince myself that it's just too damn early to give up hope. I mean, it's only six in the morning.
Fan Mail
Monday, August 27, 2007 @ 7:11 AM
Dear Mozilla:
I just wanted to thank you for making Firefox and for making it free. It's a wonderful browser and it just keeps getting better with every update. I have been using Firefox for about a year, but I'm writing today to thank you because I had a particularly pleasant and surprising experience this morning. I was browsing through some archives on one of my favorite sites, when there was a power failure and my computer turned off. I was frustrated because I knew it would take me a long time to find where I had been in the archives. But lo and behold, when I turned my computer back on, and double-clicked the familiar Firefox desktop shortcut, it knew that my last browsing session had ended abruptly, and it offered to restore it! I didn't lose my place after all! Thank you, and keep up the good work.
Your fan,
Kellie
Vagueishly
Sunday, August 26, 2007 @ 8:06 AM
I have very, very up-in-the-air plans to travel to Chicago for my brother's birthday, which is September 4. My mom and I will be driving there - woo! 11 hour car ride! woo! let's hope I don't forget my cd's this time! woo! - on Friday or Saturday, then my mom was planning to go back either Monday or Tuesday morning. I just, as in, five minutes ago, just found out that the JOSH WECKESSER DANCE SPECTACULAR is the next weekend, so I'm weighing the pros and cons of staying a little longer. I don't want to miss the freak show. Then I'd probably have to take the train back, which, there's no denying, would suck a lot... but maybe I can convince Anna to loan me her DS? Or my mom to loan me her iPhone? Or, I could just read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius from cover to cover, like I did last time I Amtraked from Chicago to Syracuse.
Rob's stuff is still in my closet. Amanda has a job interview in Carmel on 9/7. I'm extremely depressed. I've been smoking too many cigarettes.
Secret Confession #18 - and Aftermath
Sunday, August 19, 2007 @ 5:44 AM
I'm not sure if I posted about the recent country music at the hotel. I know that I meant to. I had this whole thing planned in my mind about how the 24/7 Muzak was instrumental jazz, until, suddenly, one day, it was country music. And how, for three days, I was constantly reminded me of my humiliating country-loving roots. I recalled, with shame, naming my pet rabbit "Diffie" after Joe, singer of the beloved 1995 country hit "Third Rock From the Sun." I walked around for three days singing "All My Exes Live in Texas." And when I finally started to enjoy it, rather than feel embarrassed, it switched back to Muzak.
Well, last night, it switched to classic rock! So I have been grooving out to the music of my mother's generation all night - "Cat's Cradle," "More Than a Feeling," and at least two songs by Styx! It has been awesome.
What will they think to play next?
I knew I was forgetting something...
Saturday, August 18, 2007 @ 5:03 AM
Poughkeepsie is an expensive place to live. And, yes, Michelle, it is so real. (She doesn't believe me for some reason.) I don't know WHY Poughkeepsie is such an expensive place to live. It doesn't look so great. Rich insists that the economy there is thriving. You'd never be able to tell by driving around. Or by looking at the classifieds section of the paper, for that matter. I don't really want to live in a place where I have to work 40+ hours a week just to afford my rent. I've been there and done that. It was called "five months in Chicago," and it ended with nine days in a psychiatric ward.
Of course, living cheaply in the middle of nowhere isn't very appealing either. I just want a reasonably priced apartment in an area with public transportation where I have some hope of being employed. Is that so much to ask? Yes, in fact, it is. It's the American Dream for my generation, actually.
I had been doing much better, depression-wise, for the past month, but while I was on my vacation, I must have forgotten to pack my new sanity. Apparently I went crazy with anxiety in my sleep on Tuesday night, and I've been pretty depressed ever since. Pretty seriously depressed. And I'm back at the hotel tonight, which doesn't exactly improve my mood. Tonight's my last night training the new girl (I very much hope) and damn, is she ever on my last nerve. I work again tomorrow night, then not again until Friday. Amazing how consistent my schedule has become since I quit. There's also a mandatory staff meeting on Tuesday at 3pm, but honestly, I will probably not go. I mean, what are they going to do? Fire me?
Kaiser Sose and the Week That Wouldn't End
Sunday, August 12, 2007 @ 1:22 PM
You'll remember that last week, I had to delay my NYC trip because of a ridiculously insane schedule. So imagine how pissed off I was when this week's schedule came out and found out that I was two days into working six days in a row.
When I told the manager that I had travel plans, he said there was nothing he could do. I told him that I couldn't work six nights at work in a row. He said there was nothing he could do. I was going to wait for next week's schedule before I decided whether to walk out or just give two week's notice. But then the manager wanted my skirt size so he could order new uniforms. And I didn't want to lie to the man, so I told him that I don't plan on working at the hotel past the end of this month. I really gave him a piece of my mind. I told him, diplomatically, that I think he's a terrible manager. He didn't seem to get the message though.
Sixteen hours later when I got to work, he had changed the schedule so I could have Monday off. "Nothing he could do." My ass. All I had to do to get the night off was threaten to quit. He didn't take me seriously until then. Imagine that! Now he probably thinks that I'll change my mind about quitting. But... it wasn't some kind of power play. I wasn't trying to manipulate or threaten him into giving me a night off. My decision was final.
I'm finally going to the city, tomorrow morning as soon as I get done with work. I'm already packed. I'm staying until Thursday night or Friday morning, and then I have to work Friday night at 11. I'm going to see Michelle, and hopefully Chelsea, too, and Amanda and I are going to look at apartments! I hope we find one!
Last night I trained Stacy, who's going to be the new full-time night auditor. It was all right but honestly, after 8 hours of constantly explaining exactly what I was doing, my jaw was about ready to fall off. She seems like a nice girl, though. Not the most conscientious worker ever, but very nice. And she refers to the hospitality industry as "her field." She wants to work in hotel management. It's her chosen career path. She has a job she wants. Must be nice.
There was a band that came in late last night, and they're staying until Tuesday. The leader of the band is registered under a false name, and you'll never believe what it was: VERBAL KINT! I have no idea who he really is, but he has picked the best pseudonym ever! And we actually spoke! He called to ask me turn on the OnCommand permissions so he could rent movies. The manager had told me not to turn off their movie and phone restrictions unless they provided credit cards, but I didn't say that to Mr. Kint. I figured, "When Kaiser Sose tells you to do something, you do it. Otherwise he'll kill your children. And your parents. And people who owe you money." Plus, my policy is to do whatever rock stars tell me to do. I mean, this is America.
Free Goat - no, sorry, free book
Sunday, August 05, 2007 @ 6:19 AM
This morning at work I had a really horrible customer yell at me. It was ridiculous. She insisted that I call my manager. Surprise, surprise, he didn't even seem to care, much less offer any suggestion as to how to resolve the situation. He is so fucking USELESS! And when I quit, I am going to tell him. "You are a terrible, terrible excuse for a manager."
I talked to Amanda today but I was completely out of it. It was like my brain decided to go to sleep without telling me. She's going to look at some apartments this week and I hope she finds something cheap and well-located. I want us to move Sept. 1. I don't want to be here another whole month. I'll visit next week.
I went to a used book sale at the local library. I bought Interview with a Vampire, The Silmarillion, and a paperback copy of No Exit. I already have a worn-out, sentimental-value copy of No Exit, and I have it digitally, but it was 35 cents and I figured I might know someone who needs a copy. So, anyone? Want a free copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's greatest plays?
Sorrow & longing & all that shit
Friday, August 03, 2007 @ 4:25 AM
I am so fucking lonely. It feels like a big rock, always pressing down on my chest.
Three people called me today, but I was in the middle of sleeping so I didn't answer the phone. I woke up and went to work. By the time work was chill enough for me to make phone calls, it was 2am. I will try to call them tomorrow.
As I feared, my schedule abruptly changed for this week - I'm working tomorrow (aka later today), Saturday, then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. So if I do go to NY this week, I can't get a ride back on Thursday, I'd have to ride the bus... I'd be out an extra $40. I could try for next week. But I think I'm going to be stuck with this schedule for a while. And I have to see a friendly face soon before my lungs collapse.
Busy Making Plans
Wednesday, August 01, 2007 @ 2:49 AM
So, the old full-time night auditor has been fired and arrested. The new one just started training last night. I'm hoping to still be able to go to NYC next Monday for the week, but I'm afraid that the managers will somehow screw me over if I buy my tickets in advance. I've been called to work unexpectedly a lot in the past couple of weeks, and that was even before my co-worker staged a robbery. I'll just have to wait and see.
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