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Sick and Twisted
Saturday, March 31, 2007 @ 8:44 PM
Today, an attempt at honesty made me physically ill.
I wrote an e-mail to someone, in which I talked about how I've been feeling. And then I read it back. And I sent it. And then I went and threw up breakfast. Even now, hours later, I still feel wretched. "Saying things makes them true," he says. Apparently, writing down true things makes them even harder to deal with. Honesty - it has no possible reward, and it makes you vomit. Awesome.
90% of Americans believe in God. I don't think I could feel any more alienated from the rest of this country's citizens, or even from people in general, than I do right now.
Holding Back
I used to have a friend who was crazy. She was crazy in some of the ways that I am crazy, but she was more histrionic. Sometimes she was manic, funny and adventurous. When she was depressed, she would lash out at anyone around her. I started to resent her, because she would yell at people when they - we - were trying to help her.
I realize now that I didn't hate her. I envied her. Because she expressed what she felt. She was able to yell when she was angry. Maybe it means she was a bitch, maybe it means that she couldn't hold on to any friends, maybe it condemned her to a solitary existence. But she was lucky, in a way. She expressed every thought and feeling she had. She probably felt guilty about it afterwards. She apologized. Some people never forgave her. But when she felt like shit, she spoke up. When she was angry, even at the people who were trying to help, she said so.
She was free.
I will never be free in that way. I am chained to my ideas about what it means to be a good person. I can only swallow my anger and let it rot me from the inside. It is probably for the best. Still. Sometimes I wish that I could be selfish, too. I wish I could hurt the people who have hurt me, and not give a fuck about their goddamned feelings.
Too Fucking Polite
Thursday, March 29, 2007 @ 12:21 PM
I wish I said even 10% of the things I think.
I wish that I could be honest with people.
I wish I could say, "Fuck you," when I feel like saying it.
Then maybe I wouldn't be quietly angry with almost everyone I love.
Fatalism at its Finest
Tuesday, March 27, 2007 @ 9:31 PM
I've been watching season four of "Six Feet Under" which is one of the greatest shows that has ever been on television. If you haven't seen all five seasons, and don't want major plot points given away, you should skip this post. I don't want to ruin anything for you.
Right now, I'm at the point in season four when Brenda and Nate are getting back together. I like them as a couple. They're both very difficult people, but they care about each other... and I'd like to find some inspiration from the fact that even though they've hurt each other, they keep trying to make it work. Except that... at the end of season five, when Nate is in the hospital, about to die, he doesn't choose her. He has a chance to say, "Brenda, I love you, let's keep trying." But he doesn't. He says, "I'm going to see what happens with my step-sister." See... this is why the show is so good: It's not inspiring, it's true.
I love Nate, but in the end, he doesn't choose the difficult woman that he has committed to. He chooses to pursue what's new and shiny. And isn't that the truth? Isn't that what everyone does? No one and nothing lasts. Everyone you love will either leave you, or die, probably both.
WTF McCain?
Monday, March 26, 2007 @ 11:01 AM
I've never been a fan of John McCain, but my "socially-liberal-fiscally-conservative" friends are always saying how great he is. Apparently, he totally blew a question about whether he supports abstinence-only education or measures that actually prevent STI's and unplanned pregnancy. It's not that I'm surprised, but I am annoyed. How can you not have a position on sex ed? How can you be "stumped" as to whether something should be done to prevent the spread of HIV? I don't think there's any excuse for that. But then again, I am a liberal. And proud of it, bitch.
The Other's Insane, you know.
Sunday, March 25, 2007 @ 2:35 PM
I'm sick of livejournal. I'm going to try blogger today.
I got a new phone and I made a ringtone for it. It's the Pinky and the Brain themesong. You can get it for your phone, too, if you're into that kind of thing.
I saw the worst play ever - no, the worst thing ever - last night. Usually when I see bad student-written, student-directed crap, I feel a little better about my talents as a writer and director. I compare myself favorably to the bad work and leave feeling hopeful about my chances for success. The play I saw last night was so bad that I actually went all the way around to feeling bad about myself again. Worse, actually, than usual.
A few months ago, I got an e-mail telling me that I was a finalist in a ten-minute play competition. I told some people about it and now they ask me whenever they talk to me if I've heard anything yet. It's nice that they remember and that they're excited about the possibility of me winning something, but the problem is that I probably won't win. And that's easier to deal with if people don't get their hopes up. I don't want my friends to have any expectations, because I probably can't live up to them. I didn't win the last time that I was a finalist in a competition. I think if I'm ever a finalist in something again, I won't tell people.
I go through phases where I am public about my depression, and phases where I am private about it. I am never any happier one way or the other. I hate holding it in, but I hate letting it out and finding that no one is able to understand. I talked to two people today, and one of them was really supportive, and one of them was not. He wasn't unsupportive. He was just quiet. Posting on the Internet that you're depressed is just asking to hear nothing but awkward silence on the other end of the line. It's a long wait for a train that doesn't come. It's probably what allows me to go on feeling like some kind of monster, some kind of poison that just infects people. I just bring everyone down. I don't want to make my insanity public. What are you supposed to do with it? I don't know. What am I supposed to do with it?
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