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Thursday, July 31, 2003 @ 3:44 PM
An Unfinished Circle
Seth and I had four blissful hours of Nietzche last night on the futon. I have a two-track mind these days. Seriously. There are only two things on my mind: 1.) My show. 2.) My imminent departure from Normal. (And it's very strange the way these two things relate to each other...)
Seth mostly talked about his current issues with Janet. And Seth had some... shall we say?... bitterness that was apparent and scary to me. I hated it. And then I realized something: I really want for those two to work out. Beyond my envy and selfishness, I want for them (and other 'shipping people) to stay together because I need to believe that it's possible. I need to believe that there are relationships that last beyond the convenient and new stage - I need to believe that for some people, love is worth fighting for.
More and more, I'm thinking about whether or not I'm going to come back. I know that any conclusions I come to here and now are going to vanish completely once I get to NY, but I can't help thinking about it. For months, I was carrying around this secret... this knowledge that once I left, I would never come back. But now, just as I'm about to leave, I'm starting to think maybe I might have things to keep me here.
Also... for so long, I've equated leaving with change. But now I'm starting to think that even when I'm somewhere else, I'll still be the same person. I can't know that a change in circumstances will change me. I can escape Normal, but can I escape myself?
And... Do I want to?
Wednesday, July 30, 2003 @ 12:02 PM
The Kindness of the Dan
So, okay, first, Dan won tickets and transportation to Six Flags. And he asked me to come with him! Huzzah! And then, he picked me up from work with a present: A copy of LOTR Two Towers for Xbox! I haven't been able to play it much, busy with the show, and all, but what I've played has been pretty fun. Well, and really hard, 'cause I suck a lot. Dan has decided he doesn't like the game much, but I haven't given up hope. =)
The Summer of Trogdor is drawing to a close, but I think we're going to manage to go out with a bang. Or, you know, several.
Saturday, July 26, 2003 @ 7:39 PM
Take Note
My life is rated...
Construction
Yesterday, Megan Hannah picked me up at around 2:30. We went to Menard's. There I purchased: A door, already with hinges, in a frame, for $40; a knob, for $5; a bunch of wood, for $40; and some screws, for $5. (It seems like a lot, but we were actually about $30 under budget.)
We soon discovered that the door frame was horrible and would need re-inforcing. Since we hadn't bought wood to do this, we decided to leave the door for another day. We started making the cabinet/shelf/counterKitchen Unit at about 4:00. Justin Irvin helped for about an hour, then had to go to work. Megan and I went at it alone for about an hour and a half, and around 6:30, we were joined by Lauren. We made her do our bitch work, then Seth showed up, and we had her do his bitch work. We had the entire thing assembled by 8:00. Then Lauren and I went to buy paint brushes, and Megan and Seth took off. Lauren and I finished painting around 10pm. It had been a very long day, so we spent a few hours watching "Buffy."
I love the Kitchen Unit more than I have ever loved any object, with the possible exception of my computer. I think I love it so dearly because I watched it emerge from a pile of wood. And because I put in some of the screws (and the only nail) myself.
"I wasn't trained to drill. I was trained to paint." "I have a name for people like you." "Actors?" "Yes." -- Kellie and Megan the Red
There's still so much to be done. But at least we have the Kitchen Unit. And I feel like I could do anything.
Friday, July 25, 2003 @ 2:11 PM
Dream of Doom #3
In an earlier post, I wrote about how my show is taking over my brain. You'll remember I had a dream about sleeping through rehearsal and one about roaming a completely unsuitable potential performance space.
Well, later today, Megan The Red, Techie Goddess, is picking me up to buy lumber and then we're building our set.
Last night, I dreamed that Megan picked me up, and it immediately began to snow. Never mind that it's July in Central Illinois, there was a blizzard.
You know... no matter what level of optimism I achieve in my waking hours, my dreams (those relating to theatre, anyway) are incredibly pessimistic.
Thursday, July 24, 2003 @ 1:06 AM
RE: My Roommate
Steph and I have been watching a lot of movies lately. She thought She's All That was cute, but she wasn't terribly impressed with The Usual Suspects. Which is just plain wrong, but whatever. She talked to me in her sleep again last night. She thinks I'm complaining when I tell stories about the creepy things she says to me in her sleep, (i.e. "Where do you keep your blood?" and "You can ask the guy to leave now, thanks.") but really, I'm not. Usually, she's amusing. Sometimes, she's scary, but then I just turn the lights on and wake her up, and then I laugh at her. =)
Apparently, my nervous highlighting really bothers her... In case you didn't know this about me, when I'm reading something on the computer, I highlight all the text visible on the page. I can't tell you why I do this, but it's just a neurotic habit of mine. Apparently, the clicking really grates on Stephanie's nerves. She told me last night that she's looking forward to moving home again. Moving out has made the home-grass look pretty green. Which is weird, because I remember her complaining about how much her family drove her crazy. Both her parents have threatened to kick her out, and she has violent relationships with her parents and her brother. But at least they clean.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003 @ 12:10 PM
Coffee/Indie Theatre
You have to imagine that title as a sign with two arrows going in opposite directions. Then it's funny.
The show has completely taken over my brain. Last week, I had a dream about sleeping through rehearsal, and last night, I had a dream about checking out the basement of The Coffeehouse.
I called The Coffeehouse last night, and they agreed to let us use their basement for the performances for free. Now, it's been almost two years since I've been in their basement, so I'm going to check it out today after work, around 4:00. Then I have rehearsal with the cast of Act II at six. I haven't had a rehearsal in five days and I'm starting to get a little twitchy around the edges.
But at least we have a space. We might not end up using the Coffeehouse basement if it sucks and if something better comes along, but I feel better knowing that we at least have a Plan B. And... the show takes place in a dilapidated apartment. And the only thing I remember about the Coffeehouse basement is that it's very dilapidated. We're building our set pieces on Friday, and we're rehearsing Act I all weekend so they'll be off-book by Monday.
They've re-arranged a lot at my office, and they got rid of the office that just had computers for the student workers. What does this mean? Well, it means my unsupervised access to the Internet just became highly supervised. It also means I have to listen to crappy music or no music at all... bleeccch.
Oh! And this is also somewhat worth mentioning. At my job, I update ISU alumni contact information in a computer database so they can be solicited for donations. It's boring, but they don't hassle me much. This in exchange for minimum wage. But I digress. I wanted to mention that right now, we are adding graduates from U-High, which is my old high school, into The System. So, sometime long after I'm gone, ISU is going to call me and ask me to give them money. This... would be amusing if it weren't so... gross. I can't explain why, but working at Rambo House has made me see fundraising as something sinister.
Meanwhile, people keep asking me when I'm leaving, which is funny because it almost seems like they're asking, "Why aren't you gone yet?" I leave August 28. It's too soon and yet, too far away. My two major projects for the next six weeks are: #1. The show. #2. Packing.
Monday, July 21, 2003 @ 1:35 PM
Heads, Carolina. Tails, California
I got two paychecks today, but they were each for about $30. It was kinda sad.
Today, they have me filing payment forms alphabetically. I decided that the alphabet is not my friend. I'm waiting on various phone calls, and I get to leave around three, to go check out the gym of the Salvation Army Community Center.
Last night, I started telling R.J. about my show, and everything I still have to take care of, figure out, and otherwise finagle. And he said, "Wow. That cheered me up."
And I said... "Why...?"
And he said, "You've got all that stuff to deal with, and I have no real obligations or responsibilities. I mean, I have a job, but it doesn't come home with me."
Still in all, I wouldn't trade places with him, or with anyone. The gym of the Salvation Army Center. Miller Park stage. The Prairie House. Whatever. I've been slacking in the technical arena, but this show... this show could perform in a basement. In a classroom. In a parking lot. Where doesn't matter, as long as we're going somewhere together.
Does anyone know who I would call to book Hayden Auditorium???
Wednesday, July 16, 2003 @ 10:02 PM
Call for Tech
Our apartment smells clean! And when you look around, you feel like people live here! And there's *food* in the fridge. Apartment life is good again. I love Stephanie so much right now.
Meanwhile... Tech week is basically two weeks away. The acting is practically flawless. I think in the event of a miracle, everyone could be memorized on time. The only thing I'm worried about for Tech week is the actual... tech. We still don't exactly have a performance space (the paperwork's on file, but I haven't gotten confirmation or a price estimate). We still don't have 90% of our costumes, any of our set pieces, any of our props... we haven't gotten any sound effects or lighting effects set up, and we have no one in charge of the program or publicity. (You know, those minion skills I'm lousy at...)
No offense to the board, I know you guys are doing your best... but I need better (or at least more) minions...
Tuesday, July 15, 2003 @ 11:47 PM
Too Appropriate
Long story short, Donnelle and R.J. are visiting from out of town, but I'm the only one here with them. Dan's at CyberCamp and Steph (or as R.J. calls her, Stef) has moved home temporarilly (to escape, and I'm not making this up, the "toxic mold" resulting from the flood we got last week). I was telling Donnelle a bunch of stuff about myself, ranting and disclosing secrets, and I guess I reminded her of a Liz Phair song, which she played for me, which you should all download to get the real inside-scoop about me (or, well, me and relationships.) It's called "Fuck & Run."
I also had some quality Nietzche with Seth the other night, and was blown away by my latest ridiculously obvious epiphany: A need or want is not a failing, not a flaw, not a fault. A little vulnerability is... human.
Meanwhile in Jerusalem, the show is going so well. Every time Ned says, "I don't waste words, I can't afford to..." my heart leaps into my chest and I know I'm doing the right thing devoting my life to theatre.
I was talking to Donnelle, and I told her how on some level, I can't wait to leave, and start this new phase of my life, and she said, "Don't say that. I don't want you to leave me." And I said, "You left somewhere, once, too." It was a great moment, because after I said that, she started to see everything backwards through it. She got it. Stress is on the high these days, but life seems, for the moment, incredibly worthwhile, and even though there's no good way to say goodbye to anyone, I think I've figured out graceful ways of saying, "Maybe someday?"
Congratulations to Michelle. She knows why. Hallmark doesn't make a card for this occasion, but they should.
Monday, July 14, 2003 @ 1:02 AM
Boring Sunday
Just sitting around, trying to sort things out, but only getting more and more mixed up.
Finished reading Name the Baby... I think I like novels that don't have plots even better than ones that do.
I'm listening to Renata's Soundtrack every night, and I'm almost getting used to the mold smell of our apartment, which is still in a shambles and will be at least until tomorrow.
What's strange... is the difference between the two groups of people in my life: Those who have left Normal, and Those who never had any desire to leave Normal, and the different ways they're reacting to my impending departure. See, when I say things like, "I just want to get through the next five and half weeks, is that so much to ask?" the first group knows exactly what I mean. The second group... seems to feel hurt.
Saturday, July 12, 2003 @ 1:53 AM
Two Words
I have two words for you, sir:
Bad. Timing.
Friday, July 11, 2003 @ 3:38 PM
In Threes?
Very bad things are happening to people I care about - new friends, old friends, and people in between. Plus, our apartment flooded. It makes me sad to see all my belongings packed up - it makes me think we're moving out. Bad things are supposed to happen in threes, but I'm up to about five now. Kat suggested maybe I'll get three sets of three, which would be, you know, badness squared.
The only things keeping me sane: * Three Days of Rain * A vague, junior-high-style-through-the-grapevine promise of a phone call * Bad Movie Week
Dan tells me what I need right now is sanity, and I can't argue with him. He knows I'm going over the edge. Wish there was more I could do to stop it.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003 @ 1:34 PM
Rituals and Rites
If you think about anything long enough, it starts to seem barbaric. Particularly:
* Piercings and tatoos * Obituaries * Weddings * Church * School vision screenings * The Three-Day Rule
Sunday, July 06, 2003 @ 10:56 PM
It's All Been Done Before
Tonight I learned of something called The Three-Day Rule. It's always fun to realize that the crazy roller coaster you're on is as old as time itself, and only the background music really changes. =)
Saturday, July 05, 2003 @ 2:08 PM
Fourth of July
Oh. What. A night.
I don't really have words.
But... I have pictures.
Thursday, July 03, 2003 @ 2:22 PM
Unlikely Places
Today, I was listening to LaunchCast, and I heard:
* The most beautiful, concise, and articulate expression of a complicated desire that I could possibly imagine. * Proof of Harry Chapin's feminism.
Yay, LaunchCast!
Sleeping Crazy...
So, many of you have met my roommate and very close friend, Stephanie.
She is sleeping in the next room, the room we share, right now...
About five minutes ago, she yelled, "Hey, Kellie? Can you come here?"
And then she proceeded to ask me where I kept my blood.
When I asked her to elaborate, she said, "The blood you put in the... y'know. Um, syringe. Because I'm out of medicine and I need more blood so I can make medicine for her."
She said this with complete seriousness.
So... finally, I said, "Um, what the Hell?"
And then she seems to snap out of it, or wake up momentarilly, or just switch gears in her madness, and says, "Oh, I thought there was someone else here. You can go back to whatever you were doing."
I look at her as though she is completey, completely insane. She says, "I love you."
I say, "I love you too, sweetie... Get some sleep." Then I leave the room, adding under my breath... "You have a big day of being a wacko in the morning..."
Discouraged
At this point... it's really too late to begin looking for a new and better job.
Wednesday, July 02, 2003 @ 3:22 PM
I Am Beyond Help
The final night of auditions was last night. Some people (Seth, Lauren, etc.) hung around to wait on Justin Irvin's by-appointment audition, and for me to make my charts and flip coins (J/K) and make the cast list. I told them I wanted them to go home and wait, and check the website. Because I'm tired of delivering bad news to people. One of the people I turned down for Schoolgirls cried over the phone, and someone I turned down for Texas cried in my kitchen. I pretty much can't handle being the cause of anyone's pain.
So, I related this to Seth, Justin, Lauren, etc., and Seth came up with a brilliant plan. He was going to leave the apartment, come back, knock on the door, I would tell him, "I'm sorry, you're not in the cast." And he would cry. And I would smack him upside the head.
He went outside. He came back. He knocked. I opened the door. He looked at me expectantly, hopefully. I told him, "I'm really, really sorry. It's nothing person and you gave a great audition, but we had to go another way." And he started to cry. I knew it was fake, but I still started to cry.
I never did smack him.
I am so pathetic. I can't even stand to be the cause of anyone's pretend pain.
Everyone mocked me, I'm sure, in my absence, as they read the cast list. I am known as "Aneurysm Kellie" these days. I would blame Katie Karl, but I know it's my own fault. On some level, I know that this project of mine really doesn't mean nearly as much to the people who tried out as it does to me. But, I have this idea in my head that the people I didn't cast in this show won't ever bother to audition for anything else. Of course... the incredibly obvious solution to this is... if they're so easilly discouraged, theatre isn't the place for them, anyway.
Eleven people tried out, and I had to turn down two males and three females. Only one of those people was I comfortable cutting. I desperately wanted ten of the people in the show. I feel horrible about the other four. But, I know that no matter how bad I feel about not casting them, I would feel even worse if I cast them for the wrong reasons (such as preventing them from hating me, or feeling bad about themselves, etc.)
And... I am unbelievably thrilled to be starting this process. This is the show I fund-raised for, the script I have been worshipping and the production I've been looking forward to for over a year. A show I have read over and over again, and am incapable of growing tired of. The age range of my cast members is 16-21. Four of my cast members have not appeared in a show in over a year, thusly, Three Days is "the long-awaited return of..." four people. Somehow, that makes me feel like I'm giving people an opportunity they wouldn't have otherwise.
I can't focus on the people I turned away.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003 @ 3:03 PM
Ambition Hurts
I slept last night, it was soooo sweeeeeeet! It was worth it to have to turn away multiple people who wanted to hang out with me. (Why am I so much more popular when I need to be alone?) I slept, and I woke up and felt so sane. It was great.
Auditions are going wonderfully... There's this horrible paradox about auditions, though. You always want a really good turn-out, you want lots of talented people to show up, so that you get the best cast you can possibly get. Of course, the more people show up, the more you have to turn away. The more people you have to call to say, "You did wonderfully. You're obviously talented, and I'm sorry, but I can't use you." Sometimes, I hate the competitive nature of it all. I like to think of theatre as something all-inclusive, something that everyone who's properly motivated should have the chance to be a part of. It's hard to tell myself that theatre is about a loving community when it's survival-of-the-fittest at auditions. It doesn't matter if I tell them not to feel hurt, not to feel rejected, not to feel like they aren't any good. I've never met anyone who doesn't feel bad when they don't get a role.
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