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Friday, May 30, 2003 @ 12:34 PM
Do The Math
"Tomorrow, I have to write a big check and it's scary." "Are you kidding me? It's for $70." "Yeah. That's a lot." "Um, hello! I had to write a check for $1,100 for our rent!" "Um, hello... That was you, not me." "I'm trying to put this in perspective for you." "Well, you fail!" -- Dan and Kellie
Road trip = cancelled. Miscommunication = the suck. CD Sale = four down, about sixteen to go. Kings in the Corner = rockin'. Megan Hannah = my goddess.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003 @ 1:43 PM
The Power Blows!
There are many things in life which I have failed to appreciate until they were taken from me.
Most recently - Electricity.
Electricity is a really important thing. It charges the battery for your cell phone so it doesn't go dead. It keeps your perishable foods from spoiling. It gives light - a lot more light than candles give, and much faster. It provides all kinds of good things, like: quick re-heating of food, word processing, and numerous forms of entertainment.
This is the life, Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo... This is the life, Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo... This is the life, Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo... Bohemia...!
Tuesday, May 27, 2003 @ 10:14 AM
Haven't Seen Me in a While?
Picture me using two fingers and my thumb to indicate a revolver pressed to the side of my head, a pained expression of guilt and worry on my face. I fire the imaginary gun into my skull and give a wry smile.
There. You're all caught up now.
Thursday, May 22, 2003 @ 1:03 PM
Status
Summer School - one week down, three to go. Sickness - day five, recovering - sort of. still a sniffling, coughing zombie. Refrigerator - we're out of orange juice and lunch meat. Work - apparently, sickness makes me a data entry cevante. Emotions - all over the place.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003 @ 3:38 PM
Things I've Picked Up Lately
* Responding to everything with the statement, "You'll have that." * Ending my pointless rants with the phrase, "Life is so hard!" * Leaving messages for people that simply say, "Phone tag. You're it."
Off Line
The Internet arrives in our apartment next Friday afternoon, about ten days from now. Until then, I'm using the computers at work, so I'll check my e-mail, but not much more. No AIM, no surfing. I'm busy enough that I don't really miss it.
Summer school looks like it's going to be vaguely interesting. Glad I took psych in high school, it will help tremendously.
We need subleasers. If you know anyone who needs a place to live in the fall, have them call me immediately. I cannot stress enough the fact that we are DESPERATE - although the fliers Dan and I made clearly advertise this fact. Word of mouth is the best advertising, people. You all know college students. Tell them only dorks live in dorms. I would stay there myself, except for the whole fleeing-Illinois thing.
I didn't get the job at Mrs. Field's. If anyone was wondering.
You are all invited to stop by the apartment with food and/or drinks and hang out while I study and Dan and Stephanie comb each other's hair. Or have us pick you up for a night of drinking to excess. Whichever.
Sunday, May 18, 2003 @ 10:05 PM
Quickly
The stars are flying by so fast they look like stripes.
Come visit my life. We'll have a time.
Thursday, May 15, 2003 @ 2:12 PM
Working
Auditions are over, and I have a cast! It upset me to have to turn people away. I always feel like no matter what I say, they'll think they're bad actors. It's really no easier to reject someone than it is to be rejected. In fact, I think, sometimes, it's harder. I think I would still prefer that there were more people than we needed than not enough people. I was really pleased with the turn-out, and I don't think I could have asked for a better cast. I'm so pleased with everyone! I won't gush about them, but... it's not easy to restrain myself.
::glee::
Meanwhile, the cookie people called me back for a second interview, which went fairly well, and I should receive word on Saturday. I could be on the schedule as early as next week. Summer school starts next week, at least for me, and I don't want to go! I'm not ready to start learning again! I need a break, dammit!
Right now, I'm at my other job, the one that numbs my brain and sucks the joy from my days. The thing is, I'm listening to Simon & Milo, and it's pretty much impossible to feel sad under those circumstances.
Plus... TOMORROW IS MOVING DAY!
Wednesday, May 14, 2003 @ 2:12 PM
Problems
There's good news, and there's bad news. Unfortunately, no one can read either because the domain isn't working right now.
=(
Monday, May 12, 2003 @ 12:19 PM
Ties
I left the dorms on Sunday. I find myself surrounded by trauma that somehow, isn't mine anymore.
I have this overwhelming impulse to retreat, to disconnect, to stay out of it.
Soon, I will be directing again. Hope to see many of you at auditions, which are tomorrow night from 5-7 and Wednesday from 6-8, at Maxwell Park.
Tomorrow, I have an interview for a job at a cookie store.
Saturday, May 10, 2003 @ 1:51 PM
Screw Week: Saturday
When I left Metcalf Lab School, I wrote graffiti, to prove I had been there.
When I left University High School, I stole things, to prove I was taking something with me.
There's just something about endings.
Friday, May 09, 2003 @ 2:47 PM
Screw Week: Friday
Everyone is gone, or is going. Even Dan is moving out today. Danielle is still here, still packing. We are enduring the heat together. Today, I went downtown, cashed my check, bought Mother's Day presents, and purchased a tapestry from (Bogart's) Casablanca - they're going out of business! That makes me sad. I've been going there since I was thirteen. There's just something about endings... It borders on irony that they're destroying downtown and I'm fleeing the scene. At least in my "fire bad, tree pretty" mind.
Last night's insomnia had me pondering my worth as a human being. Here's the question: Have I changed in the past year? If I have changed, do I like what I've become?
I think I've grown more self-absorbed. I think that's something you can't avoid doing. When you graduate high school and move away from home, suddenly you're not a part of collectives anymore, you're just you, you're on your own in a semi-tangible kind of way. I've lost the sense of belonging that I once had. I probably won't ever have that again, but there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm probably a little less reliable, which upsets me. I never want to be the kind of person my friends and family can't count on. I grew insecure, and but I think my confidence is on the upswing. I'm close to recovering my former shameless, extroverted nature completely.
I'm no more of a delinquent than I was senior year of high school. I didn't go crazy with alcohol and drugs and sex like so many college students do. My mother always treated me with respect, trusting me to make smart decisions, so I never said, "YAY! FREEDOM!" and went off the deep end. My grades haven't changed much since freshman year, if anything, they're better than they were let's say, sophomore year. I wear more make-up, I dress a little more like a hippie, I hate winter, and my hair is never, ever going to be brown again.
So, have I changed? Yeah, probably. Do I like who I am? Yeah, I do. Ask me again in another year.
Screw Week: Late Thursday Night*
* early Friday Morning if you want to be technical about it...
There's been a lot of nostalgializing. And some truths revealed. It's nice that our friendships are strong enough to survive our grievances and angst. That gives me hope. In a way, it's sad to feel people and things slipping out of my life, possibly for good. In another way, I know the same thing I knew this time last year. Friendships of convenience aren't worth keeping. If the friends I've made really love me, then they'll always be with me, no matter what time zone I'm in.
And now I bring you a song:
Goodbye, ISU (To the tune of Michelle Branch's song Goodbye to You)
And so, it seems I'm leaving, I had thought this would be easy Tears from behind my eyes I let myself cry, Counting the days that flew right by
I've been searching deep down in my soul The words I'm hearing are starting to get old Soon I'll be starting all over again Was the last year of my life just pretend?
Time to say Goodbye, ISU... Goodbye to everything that I knew... You were my last-choice school... The one college I never thought I'd go to.
I'm saying all of my goodbyes, And it seems that I can't sleep, and I don't know why, Closing my eyes, but my mind is racing by, It's so much harder than I thought it would be, than it should be...
Goodbye, ISU... Goodbye to everything that I knew... You were my last-choice school... The one college I never thought I'd go to.
It hurts to want to leave, and want to stay at the same time, I'll catch y'all next year, when I'm online, I love you, but I'm in a New York state of mind...
Goodbye, ISU... Goodbye to everything that I knew... You were my hometown state school... I never thought I'd actually miss you....
Goodbye, ISU, Goodbye to everything I knew, You were my school, you were my home, And it's time for me to leave you...
Thursday, May 08, 2003 @ 12:43 PM
Screw Week: Thursday
Julie, Liz, and Erin all wrote lists of all the important things they learned this year. And I tried to come up with things that I had learned, but every time I thought of something, I realized it was something I had actually said before, something I had learned long before I started college.
So I decided to make a different list. Take a moment to nostalgialize with me, because here are (some of) my favorite memories from this year.
Going to Chuck E. Cheese with Dan, Seth, Caitlin, and Jeff, and turning in our prize tickets for a light saber. The picnic by the lake that followed. Running into Spencer. Dan wanting to set a fire. Everyone claiming to see the Loch Ness monster. Jeff and Dan embarrassing everyone who tried to use the elevator that night.
All the times I had to crash at Dan's last semester because Karissa was having sex in our room.
Steve's outgoing messages on my answering machine.
My philosophy professor telling us, "Most men are merely seamen."
Seeing Jill Sobule at Blue Moon. Thanks, Renata!
Going to Maxwell Park with Seth and Megan Hannah.
Otis, on the first day of Chem 102: "This isn't F.O.I. We aren't going to put our desks in a circle and sing Kumbaya."
All the lunches with Michelle, especially the day the waitress gave us a free pie.
Watching American Beauty with Seth.
When Chewy asked Dr. Beck if she felt "over-qualified" to teach F.O.I. When he later said, "You know what I said about you being over-qualified? I take it back."
Paul Talk. Every single session.
Pete finally losing his perkiness long enough to tell Danny to shut up.
The Attack of Fat Lupe in Watterson Food Court (and the petty theft that follows and continues to this day).
When my math teacher called us a country full of raging sluts. Adding, "No glove, no love, people!"
Sunday night cartoons with Dan (and later, with Dan, Donnelle, Caitlin, Jeff, Julie, and others).
When Erin and I gave our numbers to the guy with the cute feet in Chatter's.
Games of Fuzion Frenzy. With Dan, Erin, Julie, Liz, and Eric. Repeating the things our characters said when they gloated. "I'm so good it hurts!" Trying to catch Glitter. Describing one of the games as, "It's like musical chairs. You know. If you were to carry the chairs around with you and hit people with them."
When Dan and I went to Iowa and decided it was the mouth of Hell. Making a list to figure out how many people Dan has made out with. (Twice as many as me, that's how many!) The song we started writing, my "disappointed" face, getting kicked out of a bar & grill, the reality detector, and some guy in Taco Bell getting pissed at us.
When my math teacher discussed kissing the over-head projector, but decided not to, because she would get blue marker on her lips.
Reading Zac Chase's editorials in The Vidette.
Lunch with Dan and Eric, their endless discussion of comic book characters.
When Darvy mistook me for Dan. (Again I ask... Buaaaah?)
When Prof. Rutter spent an entire class period reading us Woodsworth. Because he said it would be good for us.
Performing "The Hangover" at Theatre of Ted.
Stealing the orange road cone and bringing it to Dan.
The Christmas and New Year's Eve parties in my basement... Megan Dougherty playing the guitar, looking like Yente, the never-ending game of Fuzion Frenzy... the cartoons we worked so hard to be able to watch, and which almost everyone ended up ignoring... everyone sprawling on Justin Lomelino as the party dwindled to a close...
The party at my dad's apartment while he was away, when Lauren asked for Polish sausage, and Seth actually brought her some.
Every Tuesday night I spent at Improv Mafia - but especially the first time, and the last. Also, the game of Fucked-up Charades that involved an orange peeler...
Getting emotional over episodes of "Buffy," for instance: screaming out loud when Dan accidentally changed the channel for a millisecond.
Going with Erin to see Dreamcatcher, and the conversation we had on the way back to the dorms, the jist of which was, "What the hell was that?"
When Dan wrote and performed, "I Am Deeply Sorry For..." at The Coffeehouse.
Writing the letter for Seth and hiding it in an empty orange Tic-Tac box, then slipping it covertly into his jacket pocket for him to find while on his road trip.
When Nate and Mischa showed up in my room because I tried to sleep through lunch.
The awesome conversation I had with Michelle at Guiseppe's about our Time Crunches.
The first time I went to Rocky's. Kristy's borrowed yellow shirt. Collin coming to the door in his boxers. Collin losing his shoe at Rocky's and singing Weezer on the way back to the dorms, hopping on one foot to avoid broken glass.
The road trip to Dekalb. Singing, wrong turns, the restaurant, the liquor store, and, "Don't you mean your Apollo...?"
The second time I went to Rocky's.
Going with the Feministas to Champaign to see Bitch & Animal.
Telling Donnelle that I hated her during a performance of "Identities for Sale" when she screwed up her lines.
Selling chocolate vaginas in Stevenson Hall with Erin, and the resulting Theatre of Ted piece.
Dan and Steph kidnapping me and taking me to Peoria of all places. Trying to get into a strip club.
The girl in Watterson food court, who told her lunch companion, "I'll tell you something about church! I'll stab you with this pencil!"
Going to see Alix Olson at The Coffeehouse.
Coaching my Speechies.
Mike's absolute bullshit being praised by Prof. Huff.
Helping out with The Vagina Monologues, and handing a program to Nick Izzo (because I gave him the one entitling him to a special door prize... which was a vibrator.)
Filling out the course evaluations for English 100 with Julie and Liz.
Watching Return to Oz with Dan & Donnelle. "You addressed your chips!" and "Good question, Talking Chicken!"
Seeing Rent in Braden.
The night we filmed Dan for his "Real World" video: A spectacular Night of Nietzche with Dan & Seth.
I know I'm forgetting some. Probably many. But this is a good start. I've had some really good times this year, and I think that proves that sometimes the things you don't plan for are the most spectacular.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003 @ 8:14 PM
Screw Week: Wednesday (Afterthought)
Today, it occured to me: I know everything.
I have already learned everything I need to know to survive. In fact, I have already learned everything I need to know to be happy.
Of course, sometimes, I forget.
Screw Week: Wednesday
Yesterday, Danielle's parents came to move her out. And for some reason, the TV was on full volume and so was music she was playing on her computer. So, the R.A. on duty waited until she and her parents were gone, and came by to tell me to stop being loud. I relayed this message to Danielle and her parents. Her mother had the best reaction ever. "You can tell him we're a loud people!"
I took Dan, Jeff, and Donnelle to the mall, which would have been more fun without all the poverty. The final Improv Mafia was really great, it was nice to have the whole group back before the end of the year. Five seniors are leaving, so they had "funerals" for them. Donnelle and I had to dash out before we got to see Zac's funeral, which made me really sad - but we had to. We already bought our tickets for X-Men 2 and we were going to be late! We picked up Dan, in the middle of a rainstorm, and made it to the movie while before it started. Oh My God! It was so... geekgasmic! Enough said.
This morning, I had my English final. It went better than I expected. (Of course, I half-expected to fail it...) I got back my Jane Eyre paper and I was shocked to find I received an 'A.' Not only was it a horrible, horrible paper, but the parts of it that weren't complete nonsense were... maybe I shouldn't be admitting this in a public place. Let's just say it rhymes with "blagairized..." I just have one question: HOW DO I KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS? Not that I'm complaining... Well, the important thing is that English 100 is over!
After the final, I went to Ruby Tuesday's with Liz and Julie. They made me a "Keep in Touch" package. It has stamped envelopes with everyone's address for the fall. Not only their addresses, but also one for Dan, Erin, Donnelle, Jeff and Caitlin! It also had a notebook with a collage on the front! And there was a picture of the angry gumball! And there were stickers! Thanks again, you two! This fall: Letters for everyone!
Then, I ran into Dan and ended up helping him pack and move stuff out of his dorm room. It was fun to look through old pictures and nostalgialize about our ancient mutual history. We briefly discussed what we'll do if we start to get sick of each other this summer. My solution? Solitary road trips. There's at least one person I know I'm going to want to visit.
It made me sad to take apart the duct-taped-shelves-and-milk-crates coffee table. I'm so not ready to start taking the stuff of my walls. I have to take pictures first. Yeah, yeah. I'm an overly-sentimental twit, I know, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003 @ 12:07 PM
Screw Week: Tuesday
The math final was pretty much cake. Definitely not pie, but I would describe it as cake. I have two more finals, neither of which are today. Last night I stayed up until four. I went for a nice walk between one and two in the morning, all the way to Cypress and back. It was supposed to make me tired, but it just made me incredulous.
Right now, I'm at the Bone Student Center. Every time I'm here, it's strange. Mostly because I spent so much time here when I was in grade school. My mother worked here, and before my brother started school, I hung out here every afternoon. In eighth grade, we got to come over to the Bone once a week for lunch. I still have such a clear image of the way it looked then, the way I was then. It's as though the past is haunting me. Well, not for long. ::shakes fist at history::
Plans for today include: Opening a checking account. Getting my car. Going to U-High to drop off fliers. Going to visit Dr. Alley in the theatre department to convince her to let Catholic Schoolgirls use a room. Picking up Dan and taking him to work. Watching (new! yay!) "Buffy" with Erin. Going to Improv Mafia for quite possibly the last time. Picking up Dan from work. Going to see X-Men 2. Dropping off my car and getting a ride back to the dorms. Sleeping sometime before 4am. They're lofty goals, but I have complete confidence. =)
It seems like people have stopped saying, "I'm going to miss you." Now they just say, "I think New York will be good for you." But maybe it's just me. I mean, it's not as though the two are mutually exclusive. You can think I'm doing the right thing, and miss me, at the same time.
Monday, May 05, 2003 @ 5:39 PM
Screw Week: Monday
I have three finals left. I don't intend to study for any.
My last week in Hamilton 307 will include: Improv Mafia, finally seeing X-Men 2, and a final trip to Rocky's. My last week at ISU - at least for a while - will include saying goodbye to some people for a short time and saying goodbye to some people forever. And what I've come to realize is that I probably won't know one from the other.
If the transition from high school to college taught me anything, it's this. You always say you'll keep in touch. Saying it doesn't make it true. You always say you'll visit, but I can't know who will and who won't. So, suddenly, "See you later, babe," is, "Good luck on everything, have a great life, I love you, goobye."
You might be wondering about that title. "Screw Week" is the last week of college before summer vacation - an expression I picked up from Undergrads; in fact, it's the title of the final episode, which I watched with Dan, Donnelle, Jeff, and Caitlin last night.
The finale of Undergrads ends abruptly. Some of the things that we wanted to happen never did. Some of the things that we wanted to happen did happen, but it was strangely unsatisfying. There are loose ends everywhere you look. Nothing is resolved. Nothing is over.
This ambiguous non-ending ending upset everyone else... but to me, it seemed goddamned appropriate.
Friday, May 02, 2003 @ 1:29 PM
So Little Time
Last night made me realize something.
Part of me doesn't want to go. There are so many people who I'm just now getting to know. There have been so many missed opportunities.
I was waiting for the right moment, but the moment never came.
It wasn't Normal that kept my life stalled. It was me.
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