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Thursday, October 31, 2002 @ 10:32 AM
Let's get this out of the way right now.
Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to Me, Nineteen Isn't Much Different From Eighteen, Happy Birthday to Me
I feel like the occasion calls for me to say something insightful. Something deep...
And I guess I could talk about how strange it is to realize that after a certain amount of years, your birthday starts to just be a book, a hat, mittens, and glowsticks from your father, dinner with your Moms, classes, a Guerilla performance, and someone else's party with a bunch of acquaintances and strangers. It's strange, I don't have a locker with signs and balloons, anymore. I'm not throwing a party. Because I refuse to compete with Footloose and other people's parties, because of the inconsistency of my life. But this new isolation and loneliness only makes me appreciate more the things that are still there for me: Bringing cookies on my birthday, and Dan. =)
Overall, I'm just overwhelmed. I have this feeling of being permanently falling, or maybe suspended, with everything just... left hanging. Sometimes I feel like I can't count on anything, or anyone, and as though there aren't any words for "future" that don't also mean "doom." But, if there's one advantage to all of this uncertainty... it's that I can't take anything for granted.
In the words of Dan... deep enough for ya?
Thursday: Dinner with Moms, Partying with Dan. Friday: Footloose @ U-High. Saturday: Dan & Kellie Perform @ Theatre of Ted. Sunday: The Tempest @ ISU.
Wednesday, October 30, 2002 @ 3:49 PM
Today was relatively boring. I'm going to dinner with my father and then we're going to partake in our annual ritual where he gives me money in the amount of years since I was born. Nineteen dollars this year. Exciting, exciting. Which reminds me... I found out yesterday that the inevitable happened. Eric (from Guerilla, not from FMLA) has Frank Powell for his FOI professor. To me, this connotates some kind of intangible doom (probably the collision of my familial and public spheres) that there's not really any point in actually worrying about.
I had lunch with Michelle, who says that Footloose is actually somewhat resembling a show. For those of you in tremendous pain right now, hang in there, it'll be over soon. If it helps, just keep telling yourself, "It's just high school theatre," or alternatively, "It's just a curtain." I'll be there with Dan and Seth and probably others on Friday night.
Wednesday: Dinner with Frank, Baking at Home-home. Thursday: Dinner with Moms, Partying with Dan and Feminists. Friday: Footloose @ U-High. Saturday: Dan & Kellie Perform @ Theatre of Ted. Sunday: The Tempest @ ISU.
A busy weekend. And I've got to fit writing a five-page paper on prayer in public schools in there somewhere... ::smiles giddily::
Tuesday, October 29, 2002 @ 9:16 PM
I just went downstairs to get a Sprite and some Twizzlers from the vending machines, and a guy I know from FMLA, a super fellow named Eric with a surplus of curly brown hair, tapped me on the shoulder, asked me how I was, talked with me about being busy and sleepy, and then hugged me, saying, "It's good to give hugs." And we wished each other luck on our homework and other endeavors, and went our separate ways.
And... I know you were all waiting for it...
I love college. =)
To summarize, I have all the symptoms of bipolar disorder this week. I'm excited because my birthday is Thursday and disappointed beyond reason because I will be spending it sans U-Highers (Footloose) and Seth (Chicago). I'm happy because the Guerillas and Feminists love me, and sad because Justin Irvin won't reply to my e-mails and I miss him. I'm happy that my night class was cancelled tonight, but there was something really depressing about walking back to my dorm in the cold and rain, with nothing to look forward to but an empty dorm room and papers to write on Tuesdays with Morrie - which I have not read, incidentally... I cried, and then I wrote this, and now I feel better, and I'm preparing to write my stupid papers and at 9:00 I'm going to call Josh long distance and maybe whine to him until he suceeds in trivializing my problems. And I'll see those of you who I love (and who are currently too busy to read this, I'm sure) on Friday night. I'll be thinking about you this week, while I'm turning over the puzzle pieces of my life so that I don't have to think about whether or not I like what they're becoming. Don't take that too seriously, it's the chemical imbalance talking, or so I suspect. I close with a quote:
If life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one. -- Sondheim, Into the Woods
Monday, October 28, 2002 @ 10:37 PM
Tonight, I went to the Bloomington City Council meeting. Because the town of Bloomington tonight considered whether or not to amend the town human rights ordinance to include protection from discrimination based on sexual orientation. It was an educational experience. There was nothing new about the arguments laid out by Jyl (yay David's mom!) and the rest of the pro-ordinance speakers. I'm relatively familiar with the pro-human rights platform. What was eye opening was to hear the arguments against the ordinance - in other words, to see with my own eyes the living breathing reasons that the community needs this legislation. The opposing arguments never moved beyond the Helen Lovejoy Fallacy ("Won't somebody please think of the children?") and backlash (thank you Reagan). I don't think that hate was even a factor for the people who spoke. But the opposite of love isn't hate, it's fear. The opposite of respect isn't contempt, it's ignorance. If the opposing side had truly understood what was being debated, I think they would have found themselves on the winning side (aka OURS).
Tonight illustrated a fundamental truth which I think people sometimes forget, namely: there's a difference between radical and extreme.
All I want is someone to talk to.
When did that become hard?
Today I just watched squirrels running around on the quad for about half an hour, and brainstormed ways to prevent my life from sucking all the joy from my being.
I have seen too many people become mere muted versions of their former selves.
Days away from nineteen... I'm resolving to never grow up.
Saturday, October 26, 2002 @ 2:02 PM
I went Indian dancing with Parag last night.
I knew I went to college to try new things... =)
Thursday, October 24, 2002 @ 11:20 PM
I don't really have anything to say. I just have kind of an open-ended question for everyone to respond to:
Do you ever feel like you're being tested?
Wednesday, October 23, 2002 @ 1:39 PM
The answers as far as I know, to today's chemistry: BBAED CBCDB. The one I am the least sure of is 9(d).
I have a four-hour window from 3:00 until 7:00 during which I need to complete a lot of work. Right now, though, I'm taking about ten minutes to watch The Real World... I feel so sorry for these people. They're like Sims. They're like someone's puppets.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002 @ 10:07 PM
Another post of strange events...
I went to the English Studies Association board meeting and somehow became the liaison between FMLA and PROTECT, the ISU pagan group (don't even ask me why they picked me). Then I got a really weird ego trip late last night after the FMLA meeting, but the only person I'm going to brag to is Dan, unless other people reading this decide to torture me with sock puppets... I mean, ask. Then I went home and wrote something that made me really happy, but that's also just a little shrouded in secrecy.
I meant to go to Chem, but instead I slept in. Then I went to FOI... which is just... more and more hellish with every passing day. Did anyone actually read Tuesdays with Morrie? Because I have to write a paper on it by Thursday... fcuck. I went to Ming's with my dad and had six crab rangoon. Then I tried to hit up the SHS people for some kind of allergy medicine, but those fcucks said walk-ins aren't allowed anymore. So I hung out with Dan-the-Crazy-Singing-on-Your-Answering-Machine Man, then had Guerilla, then had dinner with Levi & Heather, then had history (and neither JUMPED over three desks and STRANGLED that damn backlashing fascist ROTC bitch. "Sex life" my ass!).
And then I went to Improv Mafia (late as usual), where all was spiffy-espatula until they announced they're moving to CVA. So now I get to be about twice as late. Grrr, arrrrrgh I hate my night class! Then I walked back to my dorm, where I drank my Clearly Canadian and grew increasingly nervous over the three screaming people in my room who I tried not to look at while I typed this. Just hope that everyone survives... especially me. =)
Monday, October 21, 2002 @ 11:19 AM
Last night, between one and two in the morning, my roommate decided to watch Bring It On.
This morning, Molly from Guerilla spotted a roach in the bagel case at South Side.
In English, Rutter spent the entire day talking about the context of Oroonoko and the perspectives on slavery at the time. His best moment was when he said, "The bulk of so-and-so's argument is that God Approves of Slavery. I'll leave you all to investigate that, I don't have time right now." For some reason, I started laughing hysterically (thankfully it was that silent hysterical laughter that feels like suffocation, not the loud kind) at that. It was one of those "It's not funny... but it is..." moments. It made me think of a Voltaire song - Rob & Katie know the one - and after it was in my head, it just wouldn't leave.
Then I had an appointment with Scott to go over The Fat Girl Monologue. It's called "My Mother's Daughter" but I like "The Fat Girl Monologue" better. The thing is, I re-wrote it before I memorized it. I couldn't help myself, it's so poorly written. (Yeah, I know, Dan. I'm such a writer. Pshhpt. =) I'm going to talk to Ron about my revisions, and hopefully he'll like them or at least just decide it's best if I do my own thing. I would obviously feel differently if it were a real script, but this was student written, and if you thought A Wrinkle in Time was bad... Woah.
And now I'm at work. The system's back up now, so back to Disconnects. Tonight: Render, the Ani Difranco Movie, 7:00, Stevenson 401.
Sunday, October 20, 2002 @ 3:19 PM
After I finished reading Oroonoko, I just laid in bed batting the cord of my orange Halloween lights back and forth like a feline for the better part of twenty minutes.
I think... I'm bored.
Went to Theatre of Ted last night, which was much fun. Caitlin & Jeff did The News in their boxers. And Caitlin has purple fishnets. I love her. And I enjoyed Generalized Shakespeare and the crazy Alumni Wheelchair guy very much, too. If you'd like more info on Ted, go to: DareToSuck.Com.
Dan and I will hopefully be making our long-awaited Ted Debut next week, with the first installment/pilot episode of "Ask Kellie's Roommate." Saturdays at midnight, people, CW 301. (In bad Japanese accent.) "You must. It is required."
Saturday, October 19, 2002 @ 1:36 PM
According to Merriman-Webster:
The Word of the Day for October 18 is:
widdershins \WIH-der-shinz\ (adverb) in a left-handed, wrong, or contrary direction counterclockwise
The Word of the Day for October 19 is:
raconteur \rak-kahn-TER or rak-kun-TER\ (noun) a person who excels at telling anecdotes
Last night was up there on the Top Ten Weirdist List.
It was pretty much ordinary Kellie-Angst followed by productive and fuzzy Revelation... until I came back to my room, around two in the morning.
Where Karissa's stalker, Rob, called me "white bitch" and threatened to hit me.
I stared at him. He said, "You better not say shit." I walked calmly from the room, closing the door behind me.
Then I walked to the R.A.'s door, heard the TV on the other side, and knocked. She came to the door, and when I started to explain the situation, that's when I started twitching out. It wasn't pleasant. But Rob left promptly, leaving me to explain to Karissa that I in no way blamed her for his actions. I explained that I was frightened, I wasn't trying to get her in trouble by going to the R.A. And the R.A. was like, "It's okay, it's my job, he's gone now, are we cool?" And we both said we were.
Rob is disturbed, and I will be locking the doors from now on.
Friday, October 18, 2002 @ 4:29 PM
I'm starting to think that no matter how much I slacked off, I would still get good grades this semester. This is pretty nice, like an enormous burden has been lifted.
I'm still feeling kind of ... all over the place. Bipolar. Sad one minute and happy the next. C'est la vie, I guess.
It's almost 4:30 now. I'm going to try to clean up my room and myself, start some homework, and then abandon it in time to get to the BBC by 6:00 for a rock show in the Activity Room. Should be good times, all are welcome. Might be a good way to kill time befor Toxic Avenger. And according to Seth, attendance is mandatory.
Oh, and you know what's a really great word? Gerymandering. Just try saying it a few times. My philosophy professor used it today. Aannnnd he used "shenanagans" (sp?). In a sentence and everything.
::skips away::
I went to Troy Hari's funeral last night. I honestly don't think I have one memory of him, even though we were at Metcalf and U-High at the same time, and he was a friend of Will's. The kid was probably at my house now and then, but I tend to observe my brother's friends as a collective rather than individuals. I can't help really feeling bad for Will, because he lost his friend.
And I can't help feeling really sorry for Troy. Maybe that's wrong, because everyone kept saying, "Don't feel bad for him, he's in a better place. He had the answers and he was going to be with God." I don't believe that. I always see the convenience of religion at funerals. People really need to believe that tragedies happen for a reason. And I don't. I think what happened to Troy was senseless and horrible. But who am I to ask someone to abandon what they believe? But then, who is anyone?
I think faith is a beautiful thing. And even though last night at Jesus Mall, I was judged, I want to refrain from judging. I just wanted to cry for a 16-year-old boy who did not deserve to die. And I've done that, and now my life goes on.
Wednesday, October 16, 2002 @ 6:29 PM
And now, a collection of mostly non-funny quotes I've been collecting lately:
"One of these days when I fall in love It won't fall apart like it always does." -- "One of These Days," Jill Sobule
"I'm a writer's writer." "What does that mean?" "A failure." -- Greenberg's Hurrah at Last
"I've got symptoms, but they don't fit any disease. Just tell them it's psychosomatic; I'm a writer, tell them it's a metaphor." -- Again, Greenberg's Hurrah at Last
"Marriage is merely a prison; children: the abyss." -- And again, Greenberg's Hurrah at Last
"But you don't need anything." "Yes I do." "What don't you have?" "I don't have anything to lose." -- Ellis' Less Than Zero
"She never really expected more - that's not the way we are raised, And I say to her, 'You know, there's plenty of really great men out there,' But she doesn't hear me, she's looking in the mirror, she's fixing her hair." -- "Fixing Her Hair," Ani Difranco
"I'm sick of my genitalia being an insult." -- Bitch & Animal
"The kid is an idealist, in a temporary way." -- Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Tuesday, October 15, 2002 @ 10:23 PM
I realized today that being an American doesn't really mean much to me personally. I belong to a bunch of groups... I identify myself as a woman, a liberal... and those means something... In fact, being a Thespian and a pseudo-neo-Bohemian means more to me than being an American does.
My mother says that American men are taught a sense of entitlement that American women don't experience... but the girl in my history class is as capable of backlash (the anti-pendulum p.o.v.) as Pat Buchanan... so I'm not sure gender really enters into it. You either have a sense of entitlement, a sense of what it means to be an American, or you don't. Or, more likely, you have a sense of what it means (probably along the lines of "fortunate"), but you don't allow it to control your life, and you don't use your culture to justify that which is not justifiable. Yeah, that's definitely more likely.
Everyone read previous comments strings, because I just responded to some of them yesterday. Sorry.
Tomorrow (Wednesday) night, they're showing American History X for FREE at the Normal Theatre, and Guerilla is performing beforehand (at 7:00). Try to come.
Right now I'm going to dash to Dan's and watch tonight's Buffy, which I missed while arguing about whether or not "American" is an ethnicity. Grrrr, arrrrrgh.
Monday, October 14, 2002 @ 5:46 PM
The first Guerilla performance/first, last and only Guerilla dress rehearsal went... not-so-well. "Super Guerillas" was a nightmare. The only things that were smooth were the monologues. Michelle came and watched, but she left before I had a chance to talk to her about what she thought. Then I tried calling her but got her machine. So, Chelle, I'm awaiting your feedback. Is the whole thing a lot more like a school project than theatre? Maybe it's just me.
I plan to spend my evening catching up in various classes, memorizing the Fat Girl Monologue, and maybe typing up "Ask Kellie's Roommate" if the main character happens to leave for a little while at some point. And I have FMLA from about 7 until about 9. I forget what we're doing tonight, I hope it's something cool.
Sunday, October 13, 2002 @ 7:36 PM
So... my weekend was just one big let-down. No Chicago, no Jess Klein at Blue Moon. Just disappointment and loneliness.
On the bright side... I visited Megan in Hell (Avanti's), got to talk with Michelle, and went to the new, wacked-out Super Wal-Mart with Steve.
And I read Barrel Fever by David Sedaris. Again. It only took a few hours. And I finished one quiz I abandonded ages ago and made a new one. I'll let you guess which is which.
What Kitchen Item Are You?
Which Harry Chapin Song Are You?
Tomorrow I have registration and the first-ever Guerilla Performance. So I probably can't shop at 2:00 after all, because I have to be at SSB (which I just realized are Steven Brokaw's initials... weird) by 3:00... sigh... We are doing that though, dammit. We are going to Goodwill.
Friday, October 11, 2002 @ 1:59 PM
I'm kinda bored, so I think I'll work on making some new quizzes. Anyone want to do something tonight? You all need to call me.
::yells:: otis is everywhere!
Does that count? =)
Who filled out the Cliff Game Part Seven within the past day or two? They didn't sign their name. But they used the "phrase sit-in-a-corner-and-say-the-rosary-wrong" and "did I mention I'm a nun? mmm, Jesus." So if you're the person who filled it out, please, please, tell me who you are.
Today at Guerilla we had to give an update as to how we're doing. I was really happy but then as people started telling what was wrong with them, I was like, "Wow, I feel exactly the same way... but for some reason, it's not bothering me right now." It's like... problems never change, just the way you look at them does. Or something. I guess. I don't know, it wasn't an epiphany, just a thought. Or something. Aren't you glad I don't usually write the way I talk? =)
Sims Update (as though you could actually care): The Values Family (Dan, his husband and kids), have since been joined by the MakesPie Family (Katie, Seth, and Me!), the Moral Family (Megan, Michelle, their husbands and kids), and the Liberal Family (Renata, Steve, and Julia). Dan is having a lot of fun with his creations.
Upcoming Events: Friday: Cannibal: The Musical, anyone? I'd also be willing to see Red Dragon or Veggie Tales, or visit Dan while he works at Gadzooks. And maybe return Seth's things to him at some point. If he's nice to me. =P Saturday: Road Trip with Dan & possibly Levi, (and we're meeting Caitlin there 'cause she's a burbs native)... to the Real World Casting Call in Chicago! ::psyched:: Monday, 2:00: I want to go shopping. At Goodwill. With Megan Dougherty and Renata and anyone else who's interested. =)
Thursday, October 10, 2002 @ 1:54 PM
I have slept through so many classes this week it isn't even funny. Oh, wait, yes it is. Finally, a reason to love college: Fall Break "Week." =)
Lasterday, Chelle and Nate came by my room while I was still asleep and I bought them lunch at South Side. Good times except they had to leave to go to class. But then Dan happened by, and I sat with him while he had food. I spent a lot of time talking to some pagans on the quad after Philosophy, then went to work for about an hour, then went home and just chiiiillllled for about FOUR hours! It was SO incredibly special. I watched "Law & Order," uninstalled and reinstalled the Sims in vain, and got ready for an evening of Chuck E. Cheese.
Seth, Caitlin, Jeff, Dan and I all went to CEC, but found out they were closing in half an hour. But we played some skee ball and used our prize tickets to buy a lightsaber, which is now the official sword for christening the Witnesses to Kellie's Public Sayings (such as last night's "Damn, where the hell did the ceiling go?")
We went to Kroger's and got foodstuffs for a picnic by a lake, where we sighted Spencer and the Loch Ness Monster. Then we (minus Seth, who wanted to sleep) tortured innocent people in the elevators for a while before going to Dave's, a friend of Dan's who has an original Nintendo in his room. I played Mario 3 for about two hours, and it was super-fulfilling. I need to become Dave's best friend. =) Then I went back to Dan's and finished hooking him up with his very own The Sims, and then created the Values Family: Dan, David R, and their offspring, T.J., Stephanie, and Michelle.
Then I slept through all my classes this morning. I'm actually about an hour late to work at this very moment, so I'm going to head there now, get there just in time to do the mail run, and probably leave as soon as I'm done with that to get some food before I go to Guerilla... After Guerilla, I'm going to dinner with whoever's willing, then I'm pretty much open to suggestion... Rocky's, anyone?
Upcoming Events: Friday: Cannibal: The Musical, anyone? I'd also be willing to see Red Dragon or Veggie Tales, or watch Silence of the Lambs at Dan's. =) Saturday: Road Trip with Dan, Caitlin, and Caitlin's friends, to the Real World Casting Call in Chicago, then to the Neo-Futurists show. =) Monday, 2:00: I want to go shopping. At Goodwill. With Megan Dougherty and Renata and anyone else who's interested. =)
Tuesday, October 08, 2002 @ 2:06 PM
Which Office Space Character Are You?
The time to panic over the philosophy paper draws nigh. I'm at work right now and all I can think about is the fact that we have about two (out of four) pages' worth of stuff finished, no counter-arguments whatsoever, and about 24 hours left before it's due. Eeeeeepsville, Kentucky Avenue!
Oh! And Erin Guiman showed up at the FMLA meeting last night! It wasn't the best meeting to attend, it was just really laid-back, reflection and planning kind of. And then I dashed to E.S.A. (English Studies Association). I went to the first meeting and somehow ended up Co-Secretary of the organization. We had a board meeting last night and I basically discovered that ESA is sort of a make-your-own-club sort of organization. We have no real set agenda, we can do anything we want. And we get T-shirts. =)
Upcoming events: Wednesday: Chuck E. Cheese, around 9:30 o'clock. Friday: Cannibal: The Musical, anyone? I'd also be willing to see Red Dragon or Veggie Tales, or watch Silence of the Lambs at Dan's. Saturday: Road Trip with Dan to the Real World Casting Call in Chicago. If back in town in time, Sonia & Jess Klein at Blue Moon, then Theatre of Ted. Sunday: I want to go shopping. At Goodwill. With Megan Dougherty and anyone else interested. =)
Monday, October 07, 2002 @ 4:12 PM
So I blew off working this morning 10-1 in order to hang out with Dan the Man. We cashed checks, got some java, perused House of Funk and Paintin' Place, ran into various people including his dad, and had lunch at Watterson. There was a girl sitting behind us who was even louder than me. (Yes, such people exist.) She was almost as entertaining as an episode of "Undressed." Almost.
Now, I'm finally at work. After this, my plan is to go home and work on my philosophy paper. Tonight I have FMLA and ESA (at the same time, so I'm going to try to go to one and then dash off, late, to the other...) Then I'm meeting up with Amanda around 9:30 and we're working on the paper together. Unfortunately, that damn thing is priority one until Wednesday at 2:00. After that, priority one becomes (that's right, you've guessed it) skee ball! Which brings me to...
Upcoming Events: Wednesday: Chuck E. Cheese, around 9:30 o'clock. Saturday: Road Trip with Dan to the Real World Casting Call in Chicago. If back in town in time, Sonia & Jess Klein at Blue Moon, then Theatre of Ted.
Today has been really... thinky. There's nothing like a paradigm shift to remind you you're alive. (Note: bastardization of Sheryl Crow lyrics "There's nothing like regret to remind you you're alive.")
Oh, and I love when what you're talking about in class has a parallel to your life. Usually that only happens on TV shows and in movies. But it happened to me today. Which just goes to show you: Cliches happen. ...A phrase which is, itself, from a TV show... =)
One more quote from the best thing TV ever produced, before I head off. "Asking 'how was school?' is like asking, 'how was that drive-by shooting?' You don't care how it was! You're lucky to get out alive!"
I am *so* overwhelmed with thoughts... but in a good way. Soooo many thoughts. Wow... A glimpse of the rollercoaster:
By giving in to the rollercoaster feeling, am I giving it permission to exist? I mean, what if I just decided not to get onto the rollercoaster? Would that work? What if I just refused to buy my admission into the themepark? What if I just decided that I was going to cruise the parking lot instead? Can you cultivate simplicity without it feeling like forced apathy? I can't give up preference, I'm sure of that. And would I want to? Probably not. And I definitely can't just not be concerned about things. But I keep letting things gang up on me, surround and drown me, instead of being able to isolate them and deal with them one at a time. Is this part of who I am? Can I change this about myself?
And I'm looking at things from a way that doesn't have to be that way. Like, I'm looking at sacrifice as something that should be mutual. Maybe that's not the way it's supposed to be. Maybe sacrifice has to be completely selfless. Maybe that's, like, the definition of sacrifice. You have to feel the need to give up something, without expectation that you're going to be... I don't know, repaid.
And, really, how ridiculous is it that I'm so concerned with trying to prevent pain? It kind of makes sense in the sense that I want to keep myself from inflicting pain upon people I care about, but... does it make sense to try to save myself pain? Probably not. I mean, my worst fear is actually rather ridiculous, in that A.) I've survived it before... and B.) It's probably not preventable. Pining may be the nastiest word in the English language, but... I mean, why should I care how stupid I am, or how stupid I get? Shouldn't I just concern myself with being able to laugh at myself?
Is any of this going to make sense the next time I'm on the edge of flipping out? Enough sense to keep me from doing it?
Maybe. I hope so.
And now... song lyrics.
"The Girl in the Affair" by Jill Sobule
Our love is freedom, our love is free from All those married things that raise their ugly heads Our love is distant, there's no commitment There migh be something better up ahead instead Our love is so safe, you live in another state It's just the sad, sad fate to be The girl in the affair
Our love is secret, but it's so grown up No one has to suspect anything at all But when you come visit me, you give your love so openly If only for just one week with The girl in the affair She's not supposed to care Girl in the affair She's not supposed to care But she did this time and she's breaking every rule She's handing her heart to you The girl in the affair
I think they should have a word for this particular phobia of mine... Any thoughts?
Another song. Just, you know. Because I love Jill Sobule.
"Love Is Never Equal" by Jill Sobule
Love is never equal I learned that early at home Someone always loves more than the other And ends will always come So you might as well have beginnings Love is never equal after all
Love is never equal The love between two people Someone always gets the shorter straw Love can be so tender But you always must remember Love is never equal after all
Last year I had someone Who worshipped at my feet He gave me everything I wanted But he did not interest me And now I'm standing naked Like one of those bad dreams Where everyone has clothes on 'Cept for me
Love is never equal The love between two people Someone always gets kicked to the curb Love can be so tender But you always must remember Love is never equal after all
Love is never equal The love between two people Someone always gets kicked to the curb Someone's always left out freezing Battered down and bleeding Love is never equal after all Someone's always cheated Hoodwinked and mistreated Love is never equal after all
Somehow... I have the sense that I am approaching all problems from the wrong point of view... but I can't fully understand what any other point of view than this would be like. Like trying to figure out the ideal form of government. You have to start from anarchy if you're going to get anywhere. =)
Hm, 1:43am. Now to see if I can empty out my head enough to get to sleep. And my own words come back to me. "I am not an advocate of emptiness. But sometimes you need a little of it, just to get by." If you have any thoughts on my crazy whirlwind of nonsense philosophy, by all means, post those. If you are totally lost, go ahead and say so, just so I know you're still paying attention. =) Love you all. For serious.
Sunday, October 06, 2002 @ 6:52 PM
Okay. Seriously. Is anyone reading anymore? Did you all stop reading, or are you just bored? Too tired to come up with anything interesting to say?
I'm so in the bell jar it isn't even funny. "Grrrrr, arrrrrgh... I need a hug."
At least I wrote my FOI paper. That silly five-page joint philosophy paper isn't due until Wednesday. So, there's still plenty of time.
Too many of my friends either have curfews or live in other states.
three, two, one LET'S JAM!
Which COWBOY BEBOP Session Are You?
"It looks like my past is finally catching up with me." - Spike.
Thurber Carnival was... eh... like most high school theatre... amusing on a kind of surreal level. Steve and I went, and happened to run into Seth, Joe, and his girlfriend. Two of these people were wearing ties. Steve and I decided to walk to Avanti's to visit Megan (and get garmozzy goodness), and invited Kathy, who invited Seth, who invited Joe and Whitney. Steve and I walked over and Joe, Whitney, and Seth followed us in their car. We sat on the sidewalk and ate garmoz ("What is it?" "It's fuckin' good, is what it is."). The three of them were going to the cast party, and Steve and I didn't feel like it, so we decided we were going to go to my dorm. And we walked away and Steve gave me one of those compassion hugs, you know the ones. And I was just like, "What?" and we both knew what but I really couldn't talk about it, and it was so ridiculous it hurt. One of the only things I like about myself is that I'm honest with people and I don't play mind games, and I feel like I let myself down tonight, maybe. I changed the subject and said we should give Dan the extra garmoz, so we went to Dan's, where he and Patrick were watching the Digimon movie. (Digimon, digital monsters, digimon are the champions!). And Steve left during the movie, and Dan and Kim and her friend who's name I forgot and I went to Theatre of Ted, and it was funny, I mean I laughed until my throat and lungs burned, but something still isn't right. And I have been fighting the onset of depression all night. But closing your eyes on the roller coaster is only half the battle, because I mean, you're still on it. Why am I like this?
Don't answer that.
Saturday, October 05, 2002 @ 1:40 PM
Dan's Dance Party was super-festive. We filmed pretty much the whole thing. I left when most of the U-High peoples left, and went with them to see Office Space. The re-run series is a very good thing. Right now, you can Vote for what films you'd like to see added. I personally favor Godfather II & The Breakfast Club. I also "wrote in" Batman and Batman Returns, Sleepy Hollow and Ed Wood.
d00d, and when the Veggie Tales movie opens, we are so going to see it.
Upcoming:
Thurber Carnival, Tonight at NCHS at 7:30. Kathy's the Student Director. =)
SONIA and Jess Klein, October 12, Blue Moon Coffeehouse.
Friday, October 04, 2002 @ 5:29 PM
Take Back the Night was really great. The speakers were pretty decent, but the best part was marching. Yelling and screaming was super-satisfying. Safe Spaces was also really spectacular... candles and sharing are good. And Erin also had a really good time, and I was very glad. I think Red and Amanda must have wandered off at some point during the marching, but... that's okay. At least they came for part of it. Erin though, increased her cool points in my book considerably. I'm going to be bugging her to come to FMLA meetings and to Blue Moon events. I might even burn her a CD of angry girl music, 'cause she says she likes that kind of music too - I just don't want to come on too strong and scare her away. 'Cause, you know. It happens.
Then Dan (he makes me strong and he has a ribbon to prove it) and Seth showed me their chalking on the quad. My favorite was: "You are a woman and I am currently listening you ROAR!" And Seth has a car now, and it is classy. It has Leather and Features. But most importantly, it is a car. So, we went to Wal-Mart and we all bought movies that were on sale. I purchased Fight Club and Men in Black. Then the three of us went to a party, where people were acting animalistic. And I got depressed, so Seth took me home and we watched Fight Club. "You're too f'ing blonde!"
And then I slept half the day away, ate brunch with Molly, and watched "Buffy." I was just about to take a crack at the work I need to get done this weekend... but then Dan called, so I'm going downstairs for to eat another meal at South Side.
Upcoming Events:
Dan's Dance Revolution, Friday night in Dan's dorm. Contact him for more details.
Thurber Carnival, Saturday night at NCHS. Kathy's the Student Director.
SONIA and Jess Klein, October 12, Blue Moon Coffeehouse.
Wednesday, October 02, 2002 @ 6:53 PM
I'm taking a break from my Mad Studying for my Terrifying, Horrifying History Mid-Term to post a little preview of what's to come.
Take Back the Night, Thursday night, 7:00 BBC Activity Room. Huzzah FemMaj!
Dan's Dance Revolution, Friday night in Dan's dorm. Contact him for more details.
Thurber Carnival, Saturday night at NCHS. Kathy's the Student Director.
There are new quotes, if you're interested. And I think they're funny. (Which is all that matters. =)
Tuesday, October 01, 2002 @ 3:10 PM
Two Thoughts:
1.) Life is, generally, good...
2.) I need a slightly lighter course load next semester. Like... English, Com, Math, Spanish, and Choir. That would be ideal.
I just found my green notebook. Huzzah! Kathy, you're off the hook.
Dan - I left the answers to the chem quiz on your voice mail.
I'm off to FOI.
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