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Monday, September 30, 2002 @ 11:07 PM
From Comments Posted Elsewhere (but still relevant, I promise):
...You need to try to come to Take Back the Night. It's this Thursday night, and it starts at 7pm. So far I've got Megan the Red, Seth, and Dan coming. There are speakers, followed by marching through the community as an exercise in solidarity, protesting violence against women and raising awareness (can you tell I've given this schpiel (sp?) a bunch of times now?) You should tell your parents (assuming that you have them) that you have a project to do or something. It will get over between nine and ten, but you could leave early if you needed to. I would call everyone at U-High personally to tell them to come, but I genuinely do not have any time. I have the ENDLESS day from HELL tomorrow... Gaaaaahhh! But it involves chalking, so it won't be that bad...
Quick list of the things I'll be doing tonight: Writing sections of my philosophy paper. Reading as many pages of my history book as I can before I pass out.
Quick list of things I'll be doing tomorrow: Actually going to chemistry, submitting the quiz that's due, calling Dan with the answers that he's still missing so he can do likewise, then going to FOI, then to work at Rambo House, then to Guerilla, then to Chem Lab, then to night class, then to Improv Mafia, then chalking with FemMaj (my new name for FMLA, pronounced "femmage") for TBTK (see above, duh squared), then... going home to STUDY (x3000) for my history exam on Thursday and memorizing the answers to chemistry questions so that I don't fail that exam (which is also, incidentally, on Thursday), and write more of my philosophy paper so that Amanda and I can discuss it on Wednesday and start piecing the paper together.
I don't even want to think about what I have to do on Wednesday.
If you have any love to spare this week... I need it. Send it my way.
I had this really strange dream. Kathy came over and she took my green notebook. Just grabbed it off the floor and stuck it in her backpack. And I saw her do it, but I wasn't really aware of it. And then after she left, I kept looking for it but I couldn't find it anywhere.
And the funny thing is that my green notebook really is missing, it has been for more than a week now.
Kathy... do you have my notebook? 'Cause I really want it back.
Sunday, September 29, 2002 @ 6:46 PM
My Universal Maxim never changes. It is simply: Worry is ridiculous.
I have a new version of it as it applies to those annoying Introspective Questions. The formula is this:
Question: ___(Word such as what, where, how)___ should I/am I supposed to/do I ___(verb)___? Answer: ___(Same word)___ever the hell I want to ____(same verb)___. =)
Sample Question: How am I supposed to feel? Corresponding Answer: However the hell I want to feel. =)
Question: Where do I stand? Answer: Wherever the hell I want to stand. =)
See? It's great.
It's always kinda fun to cultivate simplicity.
My problems started to feel miniscule as soon as I was on the highway. One hand at 12 and the other out the window, singing along to Sheryl Crow at the top of my lungs, I seriously felt like I was leaving my worries behind. At 80 miles per hour. It was sweet. I didn't even mind the solitary-ness of my road trip. In fact, if anyone had come with me, it probably would have lost some of it's value.
It was great to see Josh again. By the time I got there, I wasn't even feeling down, just kinda slightly annoyed, mostly with my own insecurity. So I talked to him a little about what was bugging me, which he promptly trivialized in that unique Josh way. He told me cool stories that made me laugh, and all about living alone and in poverty, which made me feel sympathetic, and we discussed the finer points of dramatic performance... and we ate pizza, and Kat called... and I'm supposed to read East of Eden... We couldn't get tickets for the show he wanted us to see, because they were sold out and there was an 18-person waiting list. So we had fun Xerox-ing architecture for about half an hour at the NIU Library, and then we dropped by a party where some friends of his were watching Resident Evil. Cool and grossness. Then we went to see Taxi Driver with incredibly young Robert DeNiro, Cybil Shepard, Harvey Keitel and Jodie Foster - it was part of the re-run series... apparently GKC has that everywhere, not just in Normal.
Before the movie, Josh and I were reading one of those silly slides they always show, and it was like, "Movie Math," and out of absolutely nowhere, he says, "It really aggravates me that two times two and two plus two both equal four." And it was so unexpected that I laughed for a few minutes before he continued to explain how even though he understand the reason for it, he still felt there was something fundamentally wrong with math and with the rest of the universe. It was great... you probably had to be there.
And then the movie people came out and announced that they were about to raffle off "some crap." The grand prize was a Crossroads poster. Neither of us won any crap, though. And then we watched the movie. It was nothing like I expected and I'm really glad I saw it. It was something else.
Then we went back to Josh's, it was nearly two in the morning. He had to get up at seven in the morning, but we stayed awake, catching up, until probably a little after three or maybe even four...? I remember him saying that he seemed to never stop being exhausted. And then I think I blamed the hardness of his futon ("folding thing") to which he replied, "Oh please. It's good for you. It builds character."
I got up with him the morning, but he was like, "You don't have to come to the cue to cue, you can just sleep here for a little while. I don't know when I'll be back." And I was like, "Well... then I don't know if I'll be here when you get back." So we hugged goodbye and stuff, and he left, and I went back to sleep, and then I woke up at twenty to nine and he had suddenly materialized there in front of me. It was disorienting. So we hugged goodbye again and I got back on the road.
It was noon or after before I got home. I talked with my mom and Maddie for a while, then Seth came over and we talked, and I got a little Seussical Perspective (but not truly Seussical, because nothing rhymes with "whatever") and that was nice. Then I went to dinner with my father, and he gave me money. Then I called Michelle, and I'm really glad I did, because now I just feel like everything is right with the world, like nothing was ever wrong with it. =)
Contrary to Homer Simpson's opinion, it isn't beer that's the cause of and solution to all life's problems. It's human interaction.
There's something magic about road trips. It's like, a physical perspective change that makes a mental one possible. And it's weird, because, when I was driving out of town, I felt like I was leaving all my problems behind. But when I was on my way back (approaching Normal, if you will), I didn't feel like I was driving back towards my problems. I felt like I was going home.
Friday, September 27, 2002 @ 11:50 AM
(Excerpts From Blue Notebook. Written Very Late Tuesday Night/Very Early Wednesday Morning. Things in parentheses were added tonight as I was typing it up.)
I don't think I can explain how wonderful tonight has been, I don't think there are words. All I know is that I feel closer to Dan and Seth than I did ten hours ago. And I feel like I have a lot to think about now. I feel really grateful for their input... really grateful that we got to really talk, and really listen to each other.
(I won't talk about the insights that we had regarding Dan or Seth, not because they weren't just as important as stuff about me, but because it would be so totally wrong. If either of them wanted to talk about anything personal, they could, but it's so clearly not my place to do so.)
A few of the things that were said were not easy to hear. Honestly, it really hurts me to know that some of my old friends feel I'm trying to preserve my life the way it's always been. This is something I've been hearing a lot from a lot of different directions. "You're in college now, you need to move on/cut the cord/et cetera." This is so complicated I can only barely begin to discuss it. And it's only one of many things that is incredibly complicated and difficult to deal with right now.
Everyone seems to believe that "high school only exists in the photos on your wall at college." And in some ways, this goes without saying. You can't stay in high school forever - and why the hell would you want to? When something's over, it's over. Duh squared. I don't feel like I'm trying to stay in high school, or refusing to move on with my life. At the same time, I don't see why I should just forget about and/or abandon the relationships that are important to me. I have the opportunity to continue to share myself with people and I don't see why I shouldn't exploit it. (Plus, they're going to pay me $50 for judging speech meets. How f'n cool is that?)
My way of looking at the whole... "Can you keep high school friendships after high school is over?" question is this: It's like a test. If the friendship is worth sustaining for both parties, then it will survive distance. Of course, the only example of this phenomenon I have right now is Josh Weckesser. So far. But I fully anticipate there being others, and I really hope I'm not wrong to do so.
I think losing or keeping people is always a choice. (Of course, it's not only my choice. Most of you reading this have a choice, too. But I guess what I wish I could say is just that) I'm choosing not to fade out of people's lives, because A.) it's happened to me a bunch of times and I've always hated it, B.) despite all the superficial alliances that high school offers, I managed to create friendships that I know are real and worth sustaining, and C.) because I suck at this social thing. A lot. I'm not the kind of person who appeals to a massive population. People who aren't annoyed by me are few and far between. (And I love and appreciate those few much more because of your rarity.)
And even if I'm not outright annoying ("painful to look at... or talk to" -Sophistry) I'm *so* not good at socialness. I can initiate contact with people, but they forget me easilly. Which is useful when doing crime, but makes it very hard to avoid lasting loneliness. And I have a hard time going from the initial phase, the talking to someone in class, into being able to impose myself on them by calling them at home or inviting them to hang out with me. I guess "imposing" is a bad way to look at it... but I tend to assume that I need people a lot more than they need me. I guess maybe the first step would be to stop thinking that way. People need friends just as much as I do. Other people are just as lonely. Probably moreso, as most of them are probably far from home.
I can't help feeling really insecure, though. (Partially because every time I see people who I met through or with Dan, they say, "Oh, hey... Where's Dan?" Tonight, at the Homecoming football game, was no exception. I must have heard "Where's Dan?" and "Is Dan here?" half a dozen times. And partially just because... if I were loved, people would want me at the dance tomorrow night. Part of me thinks it might be a really bad sign that Seth was invited, and I wasn't. Seth went to West. Seth has only been our friend for about two months. It's not that I care so much about not getting to go to Homecoming, it's that I keep trying to figure out if it's supposed to mean something. I can accept that I'm not as super-cool as Seth and Dan, but I am really, really worried that people just... tolerate me. That I'm not loved, I'm just put up with.)
It's ridiculous to feel this way, but you know, there's this demon that feeds on self-esteem, and I think sometimes mine is like, it's especially favorite snack.
(::takes a deep breath::)
I know that I'm going to make new friends. I'm already on my way. Playing phone tag with Kristy and Jeff, hanging out with Amanda, Sarah, Heather, Kim, activist-izing with Maggie, Molly, and Megan, and talking with R.J... it's just going to take me longer to feel like I really have friends. Some people are satisfied with superficial friends, who they hang out with and have a good time, but no real connection with. And I'm not. I need to stay connected to the people who are important to me, even if it's just with a letter, an occasional visit, or a phone call now and then. I just don't want to leave people behind just because that's what I'm expected to do. I don't want to become the unreliable college student, I want to hold myself to a higher standard than that. So if people think this is an attempt to try to hang onto my old life... I probably can't convince them otherwise. I really don't buy into the whole, "I'm at college now, so I need to re-invent myself totally and abandon my old friends." I like who I am. I'm not resisting having new experiences, or changing, but I'm not ready to say that everything I felt for the past four years doesn't matter anymore, either. Unless... that's what people want. In which case... maybe you should tell me so.
(And I know I'm going to have new experiences, experiences I couldn't have had or didn't have in high school. Right now the only new experiences are nearly walking in on people having sex in my room and knowing that an anonymous lesbian is infatuated with me (Dan won't tell me who it is, but that's all right.)... I'm sure I'd feel differently if I hadn't had so much freedom during my time at a rather progressive high school. But this drinking, drugging, procrastinating, being relatively unchallenged and yet buried with busywork, not knowing what I want to do with my life, being constantly surrounded by shallow people, constant-rejection thing... it's all just more of the same. It's not really good or bad, it's my life. It's what I'm used to. So instead of being all excited about the bright shiny newness of college life, I'm just kinda... looking for the bright shiny newness within me... and planning the best possible way to pass the time for the next four years. Maybe this is the wrong way to approach things. Maybe someone should offer me some suggestions. Something other than "cut the cord" because A.) I don't want to and B.) I don't know how.)
Everything is incredibly screwed up and crazy right now. Everything is confusing, and when I think about everything I don't have the answer to, I get overwhelmed and start to feel really down. The only way I know how to deal with all of this is just... one thing at a time. Concentrate on my upcoming history test. Concentrate on what I'm going to do Saturday (Visit Josh in Dekalb! Huzzah!). Just... count on things to resolve themselves, to some extent. The people who care will be there for me, and the people who don't will abandon me. There's nothing genuinely new about that. My problems tend to look small when I remember that loneliness is nothing new, and certainly not the end of the world. (And I guess... I can invite people to just be brutally honest with me. Because I'd rather be told that I'm being annoying or stupid than have to infer it from actions and awkward silences. Or hear it through other people. I can ask people to not play games with me, because, for serious, I don't have as much patience for that kind of thing as I used to.) And when everything gets to be too much, I can either sing Obla-di, obla-da, life goes on... BLAH! Na-na-na-na, Life goes on..., or I can say, "Stop... Breathe." The trick is to keep breathing. (After all, as The Slayer says, the hardest thing in this world is just to live in it.)
Speaking of the world... it seems to be waking up at this very moment. The sun is coming up, and it's very pretty. My brother seems to have woken up on his own, I can hear the shower running in the basement. I have class at 9:00 - Oh God. It probably wasn't terribly smart to stay up more than 24 hours in a row, and then expect myself to continue functioning. But I could not have traded tonight for something as trivial as rest. Nights like this one are rare and special. There should be more of them, but there aren't. We spend too much time entertaining and performing, instead of being honest with ourselves and the people we love. (And just generally being Drama Queens. Okay, maybe that's just me.)
I don't think I could explain why tonight was so amazing. But I know that one of the bestest things was that I didn't - and couldn't have - planned it.
Thursday, September 26, 2002 @ 1:42 PM
Expect a very long catch-up post about Tuesday night.
Wednesday was a very long day where I was only half-conscious.
Wednesday night I did a lot of solitary baking and watched Stir of Echoes. Twice.
Today, I feel a little like I'm in a trance. Work. Guerilla. Class. Sleep. In that order.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002 @ 10:38 AM
This morning I woke up at 8, fully intending to go to Chemistry. I got up, set my alarm clock for 10:00, and went back to sleep.
New plan: Find another section of Chemistry to go to, not as early in the morning.
I got up at 10:00, and called Seth to give him a hard time about not showing up last night.
I have FOI in roughly half an hour. Then I'm going to eat lunch by my lonesome and head to work. Then Guerilla, then I'm coming back to my dorm WITH MY CAR (Huzzah!) and loading it full o' laundry and such, and taking it home. I'll start some laundry and investigate the baked good situation. Then I'll drive back for night class at 7:00, home again around 8:00 - whenever Nassam decides to let me go. I might be bringing Dan with me. Whoever is at my house will be baking... or watching people bake and then eating said baked goods. All are welcome. Tell your parents you have a group project to work on. A group project on brownies and pie.
Who has my copy of Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris? Hmm? I know someone does. And while we're speaking about returning things that aren't yours, I have Seth's sketches for katiemakespie.com, a piece from Dan's Jenga game, a letter for Katie K. and CD for Julia.
Yeah... FOI is a waste of time. That's why I spend the whole time talking with Erin Guiman (sp? I have noclue...) and sketching in the back of my English notebook plans for the next version of this site, and for the These Aren't My Shoes website. Huzzah for being a dork. =)
Monday, September 23, 2002 @ 10:59 PM
Prepare for the possibility that what I'm about to record for you might depress you. Skip this post entirely if you want to avoid this.
When I came home last night and Karissa told me not to come in (because she was having sex), and I went to the lounge, I read the newspaper a few times and played a game of Snake on my cell phone. It was too late to call any of my U-High friends, or anyone with parents for that matter. So I called Kat Helgeson's cell phone. And we talked for a while, and for some bizarre reason, we got on the topic of my "irrational" fear of unwanted pregnancy. And Kat said, "There are worse things. You could die." But I thought about it and really couldn't decide which was worse. Both could potentially be consequences of the same act... and, huzzah abstinence! ... but... seriously, there's a part of me that really can't decide which would be worse.
Then tonight, FMLA was supposed to have a speaker from Planned Parenthood. She didn't show up though, and after about forty minutes, we all left. I went back to the dorms and cleaned, and wrote a letter for Katie Karl, and hung out with Kathy, and found out that Seth fell asleep and that's why he never showed up to hang out with us. And Kathy and I talked activism for a bit, and incidentally, babies... and after she left... I picked up my copy of The Women's Room by Marilyn French. And I found the passage that resonates through me every time I read it. And I'm going to type it for you. You certainly don't have to read it. It's probably not even the best part of the book. But if you've ever been remotely curious as to Why Kellie Thinks Pregnancy Might Be Worse Than Death... here is your chance to find out.
I don't know what it is like to be pregnant voluntarily. I assume it's a very different experience from that of the women I know. Maybe it's joyful - something shared between the woman and the man. But for the women I know, pregnancy was terrible. Not because it's so painful - it isn't, only uncomfortable. But because it wipes you out, erases you. You aren't you anymore, you have to forget you. Everything is an effort - getting a can down from a high shelf is a major project. You can't let yourself fall, unbalanced as you are, because you're responsible for another life besides your own. You have been turned, by some tiny pinprick in a condom, into a walking, talking vehicle, and when this has happened against your will, it is appaling. Pregnancy is a long waiting in which you learn what it means completely to lose control over your life. There are no coffee breaks, no days off in which you regain your normal shape and self, and can return refreshed to your labors. You can't wish away even for an hour the thing that is swelling you up, stretching your stomach until the skin feels as if it will burst, kicking you from the inside until you are black and blue. You can't even hit back without hurting yourself. The condition and you are identical: you are no longer a person, but a pregnancy. You're like a soldier in a trench who is hot and constricted and hates the food, but has to sit there for nine months. He gets to the point where he yearns for the battle, even though he may be killed or maimed in it. You look forward even to the pain of labor because it will end the waiting. It is this sense of not being a self that makes the eyes of pregnant women so often look vacant. They can't let themselves think about it because it is intolerable and there is nothing they can do about it. Even if they let themselves think about it afterward, it is depressing. After all, pregnancy is only the beginning. ONce it is over, you have really had it: the baby will be there and it will be yours and it will demand of you for the rest of your life. The rest of your life: your whole life stretches out in front of you in that great belly of yours propped up on cushions. From there it looks like an eternal sequence of bottles and cries and feedings. You have no self but a waiting, no future but pain, and no hope but the tedium of humble tasks. All of this is what Mira did not think about, or at least tried not to think about. It was in these months that she developed her pursed lips and the set frown on her brow. She saw the situation as the end of her personal life. Her life, from pregnancy on, was owned by another creature. What is wrong with this woman? you ask. It is nature, there is no recourses, she must submit and make the best of what she cannot change. But the mind is not easily subdued. Resentment and rebellion grow in it - resentment and rebellion against nature itself. Some wills are crushed, but those that are not contain within them, for the rest of their days, seeds of hate. All of the women I know feel a little like outlaws.
"Feminism is just the belief that women are people." "No one really believes that women aren't people."
Are you sure? Are you really sure?
I know, I know. It's annoying when people post chats. But I think I'm funny, even if you don't.
kellie rai: So you get to go home on Wednesday? HelKat14: well maybe. my mom is being weird HelKat14: shes making me feel guilty for wanting to be with wayne kellie rai: Your mom is biased. :-) HelKat14: to what??? kellie rai: I don't know. kellie rai: It's just what I like to say when I disagree with someone. "They're biased!" kellie rai: It's the all-purpose counter-argument. :-) kellie rai: And then the all-purpose counter-counter-argument is, "Your Mom is Biased!"
Change of Plans. I won't be home tonight. Do you all want to hang out here? If you do, I will be back at the dorms by 9p.m.
I have longer stuff I want to post, but I'm going to do my homework first.
Sunday, September 22, 2002 @ 11:18 PM
Tonight was nothing special. Dan and Steph and I rented Monsters Inc and watched it at David's house.
And for some reason or another, I have such an extreme case of the Warm Fuzzies right now... it's absolute madness.
I need to study for my English exam, go to sleep at midnight, and wake up at eight, take my exam at nine, work from ten until two, when I have class again... Then go back to work... then get my car from my mom... go to dinner with anyone willing, then to the FMLA meeting from 7-9. Go to my actual home (the one on Hanson Street) and either do homework or hang out with any lovely people who decide to visit me (preferably bringing brownie and/or cookie mix. =) I'll also be home Tuesday night after 9pm, and Wednesday around 5:00.
Julia - If you're reading this, I burned you a Bitch & Animal CD. I'll probably give it to Michelle to give to you on Wednesday.
I cannot put this off any longer. I must, mustmustmustmustmust study.
Yesterday, I couldn't get anyone to go shopping with me except for Steve. Dan and I visited Megan at Avanti's, ate some bread, and then Steve picked us up. Dan went to work at Gadzooks, and Steve and I wandered the mall. I had $99 and a desperate need for new clothes. Steve had magic plastic money in the form of a credit card his parents take care of, and a need for shoes. I bought one shirt, for $10. Steve bought shoes (no, Seth, they weren't chucks), pants, and a shirt that says, "If I close my eyes real hard will you go away?" We even went to the Super Happy Store of Doom (Old Navy), and I felt like a sell-out for no reason because I didn't find anything there either. Well, I did buy bracelets and a new Happy Bunny Sticker from Gadzooks. It says, "Not listening!" and his/her little bunny paws are reaching up to cover his/her little bunny ears. So great. And they have Happy Bunny phone covers, but they were too expensive to buy with my own money. Dan says he's going to get it for my birthday, 'cause Dan rocks. But I still need to do more shopping for clothes. And I'd like to find a female or two to go with me. I think Steve felt kinda self-conscious wandering around the girl dept. with me, which in turn made me feel self-conscious... yeah, and besides, if I remember correctly, Megan Dougherty always knows better than I do what looks good on me. =)
After malling, Steve and I went to Wal-Mart, and I bought some groceries. But I didn't get more milk. So... I need milk. The skim kind because that's what I drink. Then Steve, Renata, Talia, Miriam and I went to see Carrie Newcomer at Wesleyan. She was good, but she wasn't great. Nowhere near as super-cool as Jill Sobule. And she seemed to be trying too hard to be deeeeep, which can be annoying. I did kinda get an introspective moment or two out of her song about regretting the things that you don't say or do because you're afraid, not the times you made a fool of yourself. That's such a common, cliche-like idea, but... it's weird. I don't know, it got me thinking about regrets. I don't have very many. Old ones I tend to forget after a while, because they're not really important, and recent ones aren't so much regrets as just... mistakes... that I'm still trying to fix.
After Carrie Newcomer, Talia and Miriam went home, and Steve and Renata and I went to Steak & Shake. It's like... a tradition, or something. And we had a very interesting time talking about Rebecca Wenning running for Pope, and Sesame Street movies. Then Steve gave me a ride to Theatre of Ted, which was really funny, but it was three hours long. Those videos are starting to seem really, really long. Ooh, and one girl broke a pinata with a baseball bat and we got to descend on the candy like vultures, which is always a good time. Dan and I agreed to work on our skit for next time, but I'm wondering if maybe it will take us a little longer to find all the costume/hair pieces he needs. We want one of those dreadlock-wigs like the one Jonathan Alsberry has, and then some slutty-looking clothes - Dan's thinking Megan Kerns will be able to help us out with that.
One of Karissa's playthings, Rob, left three really pathetic-sounding messages on our machine yesterday (There was also one from Dan and one from Kristy for me! Huzzah!) and then he called twice between three and four a.m. I told him the first time, "Look! I already wrote a message for Karissa telling her that you called. When she gets in, she'll call you. I promise. Now I'm going to bed. Please don't call again." Then when he called again, I answered the phone, "Hi, Rob. Do I need to unplug the phone?" And he hung up.
Then he called this morning around nine. "Is she in yet?" "No." "Tell her I'm pissed off." "::mumble, mumble:: Not as pissed as I am, asshole."
It's people like my roommate and her playthings who give both genders, dating, relationships, and all human interaction, a bad name.
I'm having lunch with my mom & Maddie, then I have to write an essay on Gawain and study for my Brit Lit exam tomorrow morning. Don't forget everyone, I will be at home (and by home I mean my permanent address, not the cupboard in the wall I share with Karissa), Monday night (after 9), Tuesday night (after 8:30), and Wednesday night (around 5 or 6). I will be there, ensuring that my brother has no over-night guests and wakes up in time to go to school - and probably taking full advantage of having a kitchen. Anyone up for baking cookies and pie? Or just eating them? That's what I thought. =)
Saturday, September 21, 2002 @ 1:17 PM
Last night... I really wasn't sure I wanted to go to Parag's party, b/c I knew it was just another boring kegger. But I thought it would be really good for me to bond with the Guerilla people... you know... make some new friends... it always sounds good in theory.
So... It was hysterical. I had two green Jell-O shots. Which I think means I forfeit my $60 from Katie... but I wouldn't have accepted her money anyway... I'm more concerned that she'll be disappointed with me... =( ... Anyway, so Parag gave me a beer glass, but I repeatedly traded my full cups for other people's empty cups, so people thought I was getting as drunk as them. First I traded with Dan, then with Amanda - several times. So I never actually drank any beer at all. I wasn't even buzzed, but I thought it would be fun to act drunk along with everyone else. I really did feel tired and my stomach kinda hurt. I think I'm never going to shake the psychosomatic effects of alcohol... even a little feels like it's eating my stomach lining. I talked to strangers and helped Amanda and Kim get hooked up, bonded with Sara Jesse, and then went for Subway with Dan and Amanda just before they closed for the night. All along, everyone thought I was completely wasted. It was kinda fun, but I feel a little guilty... like I'm a liar... or something. Hope no one reading this gets pissed at me... I really don't think I want to go to anymore keggers. Drinking can be really fun with friends, but it's lost on strangers. Many factors contribute to this for me, one of which is that I'm not likely to make a lasting impression on the strangers. They all remember Dan but they forget me. I'm much more likely to become friends with the people in my classes, and the rest of the Guerillas. And, I suppose another reason is that most people go to keggers to try to hook up - and while I may be technically available, I don't feel like I am. I'm probably going to have to put some thought into what further implications that carries, but right now the realization just makes my head swim.
And does anyone actually think that "w" can sometimes be a vowel?
I didn't think so. You have no idea what you're talking about, Dan and Matt, you stupid fcucks. =)
Friday, September 20, 2002 @ 1:28 AM
Tonight was fun. Went to Hasting's and Steak and Shake with Dan, Amanda Watts, and Seth. We had a good time reading magazines, Dr. Seuss, and a Buffy companion, then we made our waitress (a lovely woman named "Essence") think we were high with our giggly madness. Dan asked for some TAKHOMASAK's and a paper S&S hat. And I was giddy and the boys made noises with straws. And it was like, "No, we're not high... or in grade school... what're you talking about?" Good times. =)
And without Further Adieu... Kellie Presents: The Friday Five. I know I haven't done this in a while, but these questions fit really well with stuff that I wanted to discuss anyway.
1. Would you say that you're good at keeping in touch with people?
It depends on the people. I find I tend to be the person making aggressive moves to keep in touch with people. A lot of the time, I'm the one who plans the gatherings and makes the phone calls, and sends the e-mails. I used to think it was 'cause I'm bossy and controlling, then I realized it's because I'm horribly insecure and I think if I don't call people, they won't call me and I will lose everyone and spend all my time in my room alone. Listening to the Drunk Kid Catholic CD that Nate burned for me. Yeah... so... there's that. But I have to admit, once someone blows me off a few times, I get discouraged and they drift away. So... if I send someone a nice long e-mail (and I mean the written-especially-to-them ones, not like, group messages) and they send me a sentence or two back... and then I call them but they're too busy to talk... and they say they'll call me back but they never do... then... I guess you could say I take the hint... Sadly, I've lost plenty of people this way... Which sort of re-inforces my aforementioned insecurity, I guess...
2. Which communication method do you usually prefer/use: e-mail, telephone, snail mail, blog comments, or meeting in person? Why?
Oh, honestly. Is there anyone who can honestly say anything except face-to-face? There's simply no contest. Much though I enjoy AIM, only so much can be said with emoticons. Phones are fun, and I LOVE getting real, paper letters with stamps and envelopes. (Thanks for the postcard, Donovan! It was spectacular! =) But I truly believe that half of communication is non-verbal. Face-to-face interaction all the way.
It's like Justin Irvin once said. "Everything bad that's happened to me in the last year has been because of e-mail." And then I wrote an entire book about it... Yeah...
3. Do you have an instant messenger program? How many? Why/why not? How often do you use it?
I used to have ICQ and AIM. But everyone at U-High has AIM... and pretty much everyone on the planet, I guess. No one uses ICQ anymore... I still remember all the great ICQ chats I had with Eva while she was in Slovenia though... Sorry. Anyway, yeah, so now we use AIM... even though we all think AOL is evil... We're sell-outs. Sell-outs, I tell you... And I use AIM quite a bit more than is probably healthy, though I know there are people who use it much more than me. It is nice now that I'm at college, just because there are people who aren't accessible really any other way... but I'd rather be having phone conversations with them... I need to just break myself of the talking online habbit altogether and start just calling someone around 9 p.m. every night. Just be like... Oh, I haven't talked to Stephanie in nearly a month... I think I will call her tonight! Yeah... I should definitely do this... doesn't mean I will... but I definitely should.
4. Do most of your close friends live nearby or far away?
I haven't really counted... Let's see...
Close Friends Far Away: Julie, Josh, Justin, Jessica (hm, lotsa J's), Eva, David... About 6.
Close Friends Close: Dan, Megan, Michelle, KatieMakesPie, Steve, Steph, Seth, Sma, (hm, lotsa S's) Julia, Nate, Eric, Allison, Renata... About 12.
So... almost double.
It's not that close friends of mine don't move away... It's that once they move away, they have a habit of not bothering to keep in touch with me... It's not that we don't try... it's just incredibly difficult... And people often drift away emotionally who are still physically close... And the older friends pages are full of people who I was close to or was very nearly close to who went away to college and just disappeared from my life. For instance, Ryan Rappa.
The thing is, I can't figure out whether this Planning Mentality of mine is good or bad... I just know it exists. I can't decide if I should be more... passive... and just let the chips fall where they may without worrying, or if I should make detailed lists and formulate detailed plans for how to keep people in my life... For example:
"High-Risk Zone Friends" (people I have the highest danger of losing within the next year): Julie, Justin, Jessica, Eva, David - Because of the Distance Issue. Megan, KatieMakesPie, Steve, Sma, Julia, Allison - Because they have busy lives, and at least somewhat pesky parents. Steph - Because even though she's in town, she's going to a different college, and she works way, way too much. Julia, Nate - Because they don't drive.
And, I suppose... Michelle, but to a lesser extent, because I'm guaranteed to see her for at least an hour every week. We have a standing engagement for lunch on Wednesdays at 12. =) And next week, I think we'll get Prime Time calzones and eat on the sidewalk in downtown Normal, if that's okay with her.
5. Are you an "out of sight, out of mind" person, or do you believe that "distance makes the heart grow fonder"?
Somewhere in the middle, definitely. Because long-distance friendships are just hard. It's hard enough to make time for people when they're accessible, when you can just say, "OK, get in your car and drive here." It's like... you never seem to get to that deeper plane of conversation that makes people close with friends when they're far away. Because you are constantly trying to update each other with the details of each other's lives that you're missing, and you never get to the point where you can take the details for granted and talk about really important things. Does anyone kind of know what I mean? I don't know, it's just... weird... how there are all different kinds of Distance. Sometimes you can feel close to people who are talking to you across a bazillion miles of wires. And sometimes you can feel far away from someone even when you're holding them in your arms as tightly as you can. And perhaps, in this way, distance is a state of mind. And personally? I think the ideal is Zero.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002 @ 10:32 PM
HUZZAH! For All of the Following:
* Lunch with Michelle at Denny's! * Bruce, the Friendly Custodian/UHS Mascot. * Pepperoni Calzones from Prime Time Pizza. * Having your dorm room all to yourself for the night. * Realizing that not everyone can type 75 words/minute... but you can. =) * Brave people who let themselves be pinned to clotheslines. * FEMINISTS! * Staying at your house to make sure your brother goes to school (next Mon.-Wed.) while Moms are on vacation. * Ridiculously long goodbyes at four in the morning. =) * English Professors who use the word "crotch" way too often at nine o'clock in the morning. * Finding out your mom has seen your academic advisor at the bar. * Calling home and having your little brother not hang up on you. * Voice mail messages that give you the Warm Fuzzies (like endorphins, but more complicated.) * "Who Needs Sleep?" by the Barenaked Ladies. * Loving Sentiments from people you thought were heartless. * 60's/70's folk singer Harry Chapin.
And most of all:
* New Red Chucks!
Especially my New Red Chucks. Thank you Seth. =)
I love you all. Accept it, embrace it, make friends with it. You are loved.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002 @ 1:47 PM
Despite how much of a slacker I am, I'm still about three times as hard-working as the other people who are here at work today. I kid you not.
Oh, and this might interest someone: I found out today that there's a Sunnyvale, California. =)
Monday, September 16, 2002 @ 11:58 PM
This concerns me: I'm actually... kinda motivated to... do stuff... and study... and succeed at this whole "college" thing...
...Woah, what a concept...
Summary of Weekend:
Saturday night: I couldn't get a ride to Hasting's for the open mic. Allison went to Hasting's, expecting to meet me there, and found that not only was I not there, there was no open mic. So... I guess I got the days screwed up or something. Eh, I suck. Then I went to Theatre of Ted, which was (what, like?) two and half hours of madness. A terrific time. I went home inspired and wrote the "pilot episode" of "Ask Kellie's Roommate" aka "Karissa Explains It All."
Sunday: I slept easilly half the day, and was still exhausted. I watched Adult Swim with Dan, Brett, Seth, Jeff, and Dave - it was kind of an off night for Space Ghost, I have to say. And no Mission Hill... which is my favorite. Still, I think we'll have to make this a tradition.
Why does it have to be Monday? I really don't like Mondays... I'm at work... making $5 an hour until the day I diiiieeee...
Sunday, September 15, 2002 @ 6:25 PM
I get the impression that not everyone was happy with the casting of Footloose. I started thinking about all the times I have cried over a cast list. And I have to say, for a long time, I resented the people responsible for not casting me. And I resented the people who got cast when I didn't. I even resented males, because they always get cast no matter how bad they are. But, I guess, now that I'm not really in the kind of life-consuming theatre endeavors that I used to be - don't get me wrong, Guerilla is great but it's nowhere near as much work as any other project I've been in since freshman year. I wanted to share the same thoughts here that I posted on Megan Dougherty's journal: If whoever didn't cast you made the right decision, you just have to deal with the fact that you weren't right for the role. That doesn't mean you're no good, it just means you weren't right for the role. And if they made the wrong decision, they will have to deal with the consequences of their mistakes. They will live to regret their decisions every day for the next six weeks. And that can be a rather cheery thought. =)
Saturday, September 14, 2002 @ 6:47 PM
Breaking News: I would like to state for the record that it is now approaching 7 p.m. and my roommate is still asleep. She was asleep when I woke up at ten. She was asleep when I woke up again at twelve. She was asleep when I left at four, she was asleep when I returned at six.
Why can't I get ahold of anyone about tonight???
Katie can kill a person with her bare hands. She is a deadly weapon. Congratulations, Katie. =)
Last night was a lot of fun. We discovered that the kitchen in the basement is like a secret. The Secret Kitchen. We made scurvy-licious cheese pizza and Dan used his sweatshirt as oven mitts. After Katie and Steve left for home (don't worry, Katie. You won't always be fifteen and have parents), Dan and I watched "Suddenly Susan" and "Street Smarts." Because sheckles are the currency of what country? Sheckoslovakia!
I don't feel awake enough to accomplish anything, but I know if I don't do stuff today, then I'll have to tomorrow... I should make a rule that from now on I have to do all my assignments (or at least start them) on the day they're assigned. Oh, and Katie's going to pay me $60 if I don't drink or smoke anything or do any illegal drugs of any kind until the end of the school year. It's not a lot of money... but... I feel like I have no incentive not to take her up on her offer...
Tonight: ExhiFest. (See posts below or call.)
Tomorrow: Something. With Megan Dougherty + others. TBA.
Friday, September 13, 2002 @ 4:19 PM
Did some random chalking last night:
"KATIEMAKESPIE.COM: Because pie is good like that."
Then spent like four hours on the phone with Seth. Slept until almost noon, got up and went to Brit Lit and Philosophy. Submitted my Chem pre-lab quiz online... yeah, that pretty much takes us up to the present moment. I am going to try to do my FOI paper and then edit the novel some.
"Fire bad, tree pretty."
Tonight: A Beautiful Mind at Capen at 7pm
Tomorrow night: ExhiFest 2002! 7pm group dinner, 8pm-10pm Hastings Open Mic, 10pm milkshakes and playground equipment, Midnight: Theatre of Ted!
Thursday, September 12, 2002 @ 8:30 PM
Random quotes from last night not quite funny enough to put on the Quotes page:
"And now, they dance."
"My car, my sex."
The first one was from Sara, who reminded me quite a lot of Kathy Briggs. The second was from Hayley - who reminded me intensely of Renata... To the point where I seriously will not rest until I introduce them to each other. Same mannerisms... The only difference is that Hayley is older and bi.
One of the most truly bizarre aspects of last night was realizing that I have never been that close to that many lesbians in my life. Actual conversation: "Am I the only straight person on our little excursion?" "Well... Hayley likes boys... Right?" "...Every once in a while."
FOI today had the potential to be really cool, unfortunately, my brain was operating on the level of "Fire bad. Tree pretty." I got a Mocha from the Airport Lounge in Centennial before going to class... which made my brain process: "Fire bad. Tree pretty... Coffee goood." Still, not much better.
ExhibitionismFest2002, or ExhiFest, will commence Saturday night at 7:00. We will meet in the lobby of Atkin-Colby, where I will buy dinner with my magic plastic money. Then, we will go to Hastings, for open mic 8-10pm. You will not be required to do anything, but... to not do something... would be rather like completely missing the point of the ExhiFest Adventure. At 10pm, we will go for milkshakes. Preferably from Steak & Shake... but maybe Culver's would be better? I'm open to suggestions. We kill time, perhaps in a public park... until midnight, when we will be attending THEATRE OF TED. Again, everyone will have an opportunity to humiliate themself in a very public fashion, or just watch if they don't have the eggs*.
I am so exhausted right now. I feel like all day, all I've done is drag my lazy ass from one end of campus to the other, and back again, again and again. I am burned out on walking. I don't care how pathetic and sad that is, my body resents me right now, and I'd rather keep it on my good side. Maybe Seth will agree to a movie or a trip to Target. I don't think I have the energy for chalking right now.
I will have to get to my thoughts on my Social Process later... Right now my eyes need to close themselves and my stomach needs to digest something. Make sure to call me about ExhiFest (pronounced ex-ee-fest) within the next 47 hours. I'll make phone calls of my own as well... or I will at least try to... God, I have so much homework, it's not even funny.
* Bitch & Animal is not just a performance, it's a way of thinking. I may be straight, but I am still a female, and I can still greatly appreciate their manifesto.
So much to say, but I'm supposed to be working!
"Bitch & Animal" was really pretty cool. I much enjoyed their Manifesto. "Manifest This!" However, the virtual strangers who I went with gave me a lot more to consider as far as the whole "Is there high school soap opera-ness in college?" issue. But the show was good, and crab rangoon is the best food in the world. And I got "Bitch & Animal" stickers!
Things I promise to talk about later: How I wish I could've been more alert for FOI today, The Way I Function as a Social Being, and my plans for ExhibitionismFest 2002, which will be this Saturday night, starting at 8pm.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002 @ 2:00 PM
Improv Mafia last night was really funny and cool. =) Seeing Zac Chase imitate Sunday Night Sex Show was... wow... ::horrible, horrible things motion:: But funny.
After it was over, Seth and I went to Michelle's, and those two finally traded back shoes. We were there until nearly midnight, which probably didn't make her parents particularly ecstatic, but I just saw her for lunch and she didn't say anything about parental-flipping-outage. We spent most of last night petting Seth (silly Alpha Male) and talking about gossip and plans and making fun of Kellie. Seth repeatedly threatened to step on Sascha ("Makes you want to step on small fluffy things") and I pretended like I thought he would really do it. Good times. Today at lunch, Chelle and I discussed feminism and relationships and children and instincts... ::is nostalgic for the lunch posse:: ...We had a good time, and Michelle was probably late for band.
At 5:00, I'm meeting a bunch of people from FMLA and a couple from PRIDE, and we are going to eat Thai food together and then go see "Bitch & Animal." ... I am psyched...
Tomorrow Night: After night class, I might go (late) to the open mic at the Coffeehouse, then Seth and I are supposed to hang out sometime after 9:00. I'm thinking movies and/or sidewalk chalk if anyone wants to join us...?
Tuesday, September 10, 2002 @ 2:05 PM
Is it kind of strange that my answer to the question, "Do you want to have kids someday?" is different depending on what day of the week it is?
Because, Tuesdays and Thursdays it is "Yes," but all the other days, it's usually "No..." (Except... that day when we went to the park and that boy brought me my purse after I left it sitting on the ground by the swings. I think that was a Monday.) The thing is, I have FOI in Fairchild Hall on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I see all the little kids walking through the hallway, and my ovaries start trying to jump into my throat, screeching, "Have Kids. NOW!" And then, as I walk past Metcalf around 3:00, on my way to SSB for Guerilla rehearsal, I see more of them... waiting for their parents to pick them up... and I think about The Object of My Affection.
"I don't always have to be the one who's watching them leave."
Today is my Mom & Maddie's first anniversary. Congratulations!
Warning: what follows is a highly personal rant w/ plenty of sentimentality.
I wish my mother never had to be treated as though her relationship was somehow lesser or abnormal. But I know the world thinks otherwise. I think about how many times I watched her leave, alone, to go out to work functions, dinners and parties with friends and colleagues, events full of husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. I think about her boss, who used the phrase "lesbo art" to describe Harold Boyd to my mother, and how the other people who were there just laughed, or worse. I think about friends of mine who weren't supposed to spend time at my house after their parents found out that Kellie has Two Moms. And it all makes me want to scream that no one has any right to make my mother feel like she has done, or worse, that she is, something wrong. My mother fell in love. She fell in love with someone who makes her happy, who she's still with, after a year. And I'm ecstatic for both of them. I'm so glad that they found each other.
Monday, September 09, 2002 @ 9:52 PM
The FMLA Poetry Reading was really fun. Some girl who sings asked me if she could turn "Complex Refusal" into a song. I gave her the copy I brought, with my e-mail address written on it. So... we'll see what becomes of that. And Rannon did a song about a dead bunny on Easter morning. It was funny in a gross way. =) Claudia - the girl from PRIDE - was there... though none of the Guerilla people I tried to recruit actually came, including Dan...
I just called him, to tell him the good news about the Guerilla casting being out - finally... and he said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hey, what's up?" And then he hung up. Yeah, I know he's going to read this... Dan, is something wrong? Maybe I just need to leave you alone and let you do your own thing for a while? If that's what it is, then just don't respond. I can totally understand that. "Why does a weaker person need to latch onto a stronger person?" It's a good question, it's worth pondering.
Speaking of Guerilla casting, I get to be "Bisexual" in the Perspectives piece and Robin in "Liar, Liar." How awesome is that?
And speaking of awesome things... I put in one of the pink shoelaces Seth gave me, but I decided to keep the blue one with the frogs in the other shoe. So now they don't match, but they still kind of go together. Pink and orange and blue and green... It all works. Oh, and Seth, if you get Squirrelmail accounts, I want shoes@katiemakespie.com. =)
Tomorrow: Class 9:00-9:50, 11:00-12:15. Work 1:00-3:15, Guerilla 3:30-5:00, 5:00 Project w/ Steve (and whoever else wants to tag along), 7:00 Class, 8:15 (or when class gets out): Improv Mafia.
Wednesday: Class 9:00-9:50, Lunch w/ Chelle (I hope!) around 12:00, class at 2:00, see "Bitch & Animal" at 5:00.
Thursday: Class at 9:00, 11:00, work 1-3:15, Guerilla 3:30-5:00, Class 7:00... possibly to The Coffeehouse afterwards, where there is another open mic! =)
I was going to post a poem, but then I didn't feel like it... so... you can e-mail me if you want to read something a little surreal.
Importance of Being Earnest was really funny. But I hate when plays are turned into movies and the directors decide to just go crazy turning one long scene into several small ones, so that they can use as many different locations as humanly possible. The story loses something, in my mind at least...
Stayed with Dan last night (because Karissa informed me a few days ago she was expecting company of the Literate Variety). We went to bed nice and early because we were both really sleepy. Brett (Dan's mono-syllabic roommate) didn't step on me in my sleep, as far as I know, but this morning I think Dan dropped something on my head while he was getting ready for class. I actually made it to English with a couple minutes to spare, and got to talk to Katie, who is really cool. She explained to me that for her, missing class because of a hangover is like, a moral quagmire. It was most entertaining.
Oh! And Seth bought me shoelaces while he was in Wisconsin. They're so cute! They have the Happy Bunny on them, and they say: You suck big time. Huzzah! =)
We're reading Sir Gawain and the Green Knight in Brit Lit (crazy Brits). And I was really starting to identify with this character, but then my teacher basically f'd it all up for me by explaining how she's actually not "bad" after all. I could explain this in more detail, but I'm at work right now.
I currently have "Downtown" from Little Shop of Horrors stuck in my head. It's okay, though, it makes me feel self-righteous at my keyboard. I am earning minimum wage, but I have music between my ears. It's a beautiful thing. =)
Tonight: FMLA Poetry Reading on the Quad, 7 pm.
Tomorrow Night: "Improv Mafia" at 8 pm. (I'll be going there directly from class, which is supposed to end at 8:15.)
Sunday, September 08, 2002 @ 5:02 PM
Megan Dougherty just came to see me, to bug me to buy stuff for her chorus fundraiser. I bought an $11 container of chocolate chip cookie dough... So... when that stuff comes in... we'll take over the basement of HamWhit and bake our little hearts out.
Tonight: The Importance of Being Earnest, 7pm, The Normal Theatre.
Tomorrow Night: FMLA Poetry Reading on the Quad, 7pm by the gazebo. Bring your writing and your friends.
Jill Sobule rocked! She had a song about a jet pack! And one about trains! And the song about strawberry lip gloss was gorgeous. So was "You Will Never Love Me." Oh, and she also wrote a song about an imaginary secret affair with Kathy Lee Gifford! And she did a cover of Destiny's Child "Survivor." It was so great!
I now wish I'd forked over my $15 for a CD. Renata bought one, and then she stood in line to have it autographed. ::envies:: Renata collects CD's autographed by obscure artists, such as Racheal Sage and Anthony Rapp (who in my mind is anything but obscure).
After the show, Renata and Miriam and I went to Steak & Shake, where I had my first meal of the day =), then Renata and I went to see Fight Club, and there were a lot of U-High kids there: Rob, Chelle, Matt Martin, Aaron, Justin, Katie... Renata and I wore purple feather boas that she had found in her closet earlier that day. I had a hard time with it at first. I thought the ticket taker was memorizing my face for the next time he watched "America's Most Insane." Or, you know, maybe he just thought I was cute.
Yeah, right.
So... Today I need to finish off Sir Gawain... and then get through Book IV of Rosseau's The Civil Contract for philosophy. I still don't feel like I've fully recovered from Friday night. Makes me want to never drink again. I also promised to write some stuff for Guerilla. So I'm probably not going to get to work on the novel or the site today. ::sigh::
Oh, and Karissa informs me that tonight will not be a good night to be in our room... So... I guess I'm going to have to beg Dan or Theresa or someone to let me stay with them... At least I have a sleeping bag now.
Saturday, September 07, 2002 @ 5:39 PM
Okay, I've come up with a mathematical equation to demonstrate a universal truth:
Premise: It's bad to be arrogant when it comes to alcohol where "arrogant" means carrying around the idea that you can hold your own and aren't the kind of person who gets sick, hung over, or passes out.
Equation: 2x + 7y + 1z + 3.5w -->> 1m + 12h where x = large glasses of vodka mixed w/ fruit punch y = cups of margarita z = glass of watered-down beer w = hits of something that starts with "w." m = minor head injury h = hours spent yakking my guts out
Thank you to Faith, Steve, and the rest of the people who were kind to me while I was learning my incredibly painful lesson all last night and most of this morning. You're all good people, and I solemnly vow to never do that again. The only good thing about the experience:
Kellie (on the phone with her mom): Hi, I got your message. Mom: You sound kind of funny. Kellie: It's because I am very, very hung over. Mom: YOU'RE HUNGOVER? (Sounds of Maddie, laughing hysterically and shrieking in the background.) Kellie: Very, very, hung over. Mom: Well, I hope you learned your lesson. Kellie: (Laughing.) I love you, Mom. Mom: (Pause.) Are you still drunk?
Friday, September 06, 2002 @ 3:50 PM
I don't have the answers. Maybe it's silly to think that they exist at all. I feel kind of confused right now, and I don't think that's going to change any time soon... At least not this weekend.
I have a chemistry quiz due at 5:00. If you'd like to lend a hand, call me in my dorm room. Dan and I are going to work on it together, and probably call the Experts in sciences, such as... okay, we're going to call everyone we know. The funny thing is that we had days to do this, and neither of us even bothered to crack the book yet... Eeek, you know what Ryan Rappa says about procrastination... (if you don't, ask someone, it's funny.)
Oh, and I was assigned to work up a skit for Guerilla Theatre about menstruation. Anyone got any suggestions? (Yes, I am serious.)
I will definitely write more about volius topics later.
Wednesday, September 04, 2002 @ 10:03 PM
Dan, Steph, and I went to U-High today to visit Our People. (I *heart* my people...) I crashed the Speech Team meeting. This season I'll be judging ($50/day, for doing less than I did for three years for FREE!) and coaching a little, too. I've already decided who should do what events:
Steve Michaels - Radio, HDA Katie Pacilio - SOS, HI Marion Sakaluk - OC, HDA Liz Johnson - DI, Verse Alyssa Huff - Oratory, DDA Liz Anhalt - HI, HDA Emily Dougherty - DDA, Verse Katie Karl - Prose, Verse Katie Sliney - Prose, Dec Megan Hannah - OC, Oratory Jessica Sprague - Dec Rob Carroll - SOS, HDA Josh Fowler - Impromptu, Dec Josh Kaussman - HDA, Impromptu Martin Langrall - HDA, Radio Darren Beverage - Impromptu, Extemp The Rest of the Random Frosh: Dec, Prose, Verse, Impromptu, Radio Second Semesters (Michelle & Megan) - Prose, DI, HI
Duet Pairings: Steve & Marion, Martin & Josh, Liz & Rob, Emily & Alyssa.
Of course, what I think is ultimately irrelevant. But now that I don't go to U-High anymore, I get a kick out of figuring out the way things would be if I were in charge. =)
I got to talk to Aaron about the novel, and he seemed pretty understanding, so he's keeping it and I'm going to talk with him about it when he gets finished. Speaking of which, has anyone finished it yet who hasn't talked with me about it? Allison? Dan? I'm looking at you guys... Who do I still need to make copies for? Renata, Talia...? Anyone else? It's kind of hard to keep track of these things... Maybe I can put the President of My Fan Club in charge of "Beta-Reading?" Katie? Eh, n/m, sweetie, you probably have enough on your plate. =)
My brother seemed to like the game I bought him for his birthday (Frequency for PS2). If not, he can exchange it at Target, I even included the gift receipt. Or he can sell it on ebay for more than I paid for it. Whatever.
I'm surprised no one responded to my very open-ended question about innocence and corruption (see post below). Is that homework proving just a little too challenging? Not getting enough sleep? ::sigh:: I know I'm not... I have to read about seventeen more pages of "Nature & The Significance of Play" before I can sleep... or, alternatively... go to watch Willy Wonka... w/ Theresa & Kristy. Kristy is so great... Jeez, I wish I were bi sometimes...
See everyone very soon, I hope! And to those who I don't see, have a fun time @ Homecoming! Just remember, going to a school dances is like donating blood: It might seem barbaric and disgusting, but if you survive, you'll feel good about yourself. =)
So I woke up this morning feeling all sick-like, and I went back to sleep. No Brit Lit for me. I went into work around 11:00, which is where I am currently, listening to country music against my will. I have to admit, though, country stations play more music and less ads...
Tonight I'm calling an early night. Studying and sleeping. Tomorrow is Movie Night, 8:30. I have no plans for Friday, but I hope to see Kristy and Theresa... or I might try to go to the UHS football game, or just invite the U-High people (particularly the choir people, who have to be there) over afterwards. Saturday I'm going with Renata to see Jill Sobule. Yay! The rest of you: blow off the dance and come with us!
I've been listening to the Vast CD that I copied from Seth. It's really very cool. And I've been thinking about "corruption." Basically, I've been wondering if innocence is a good thing or not. On the one hand, as an innocent, it's easier to be an optimist. It's easier to make friends and influence people (yes, I remember.) But as an innocent, you are very vulnerable, and quite possibly closed-minded and judgmental... Anyone have any thoughts they'd like to share on this subject? I'd be happy to consider them...
I've also written four scripts for Guerilla Theatre, and completely neglected the website and the novel-editing process... Eh. New projects always get me all excited. =)
Tuesday, September 03, 2002 @ 1:48 PM
I didn't watch Road Rules last night. I tried to watch The Bachelor while Dan and Theresa "made babies" for less than half an hour before I got bored and went back home to write and sleep.
I spend way too much time online. I've resolved to cut back.
I'm at work right now, and I'll be here until 3:00. Then Guerilla Practice, then Chem Lab, then night class. I get done at 8:30 and then I have to start on homework.
I listened to the saved messages on my voice mail today. One is from Seth and one is from Michelle. I saved them because they are everything that is warm and fuzzy about human life as I know it. I need to record them on some other medium so that I can continue to savor them after my phone purges itself of old messages, which happens every month.
::sigh:: There's an analogy here...
Monday, September 02, 2002 @ 7:27 PM
My mom and I went to brunch, and then shopping. And then Dan came over for a little while. And then Dan left. And then Seth called. And he wanted to go play outside. I ran around the park for a while with Dan and Seth. Good times, but... a stolen kayak could've made them better.
Tonight I might go to a Road Rules party. Then again, I might not. We'll see. I kind of feel like staying in, doing homework... like I meant to today, and then didn't.
Okay, I had a dream last night that I made and sold glow-in-the-dark flat-head thumbtacks. I used a stencil-thingy made from what's left over after you use a whole sheet of stickers, and painted stars with glow-in-the-dark paint. I sold 25 thumbtacks for $5, which included shipping and handling.
Am I insane, or do you think there might actually be a market for glow-in-the-dark thumbtacks? What about playing cards?
Since my roommate is back, my fun times in the dorms are over. I'm going to spend today working on NB (what would you guys rather have - a new quiz, new poems, or excerpts from the novel?), doing homework, and maybe going shopping with my mom, if she calls me back.
As for The Novel: I'm revising my original statement: Anyone may ask me for the novel. No one has permission to disseminate it without my direct permission. I don't want anyone reading it who doesn't get a disclaimer and warning directly from me.
As for Rob: Yes. I have craved you. Good luck finding anyone you know who hasn't. Try not to be freaked out, I have no intentions whatsoever of acting on said craving. Ever.
As for Everything Else in the Novel: I'll have to write an annotated version when I post the novel online. I'll have to clarify what happened in reality and what was fiction. In the meantime, just... try not to be freaked out.
As for (Crazy)KatieMakesPie: I love you, and your generous disparagement. But there are some ways in which you do not want to be like me. I trust you to figure out what ways on your own.
As for My Dilemna (see previous posts): In the end, idealism won out, but that was sort of irrelevant, as far as the short-term goes. The long-term results, of this decision, however, remain to be seen. One door closes, one door opens. Two steps back, one step forward, and all that. I think, maybe... I might be capable of more than I ever suspected. And... that's a rather beautiful thing. So, As for Seth: Thanks.
Sunday, September 01, 2002 @ 3:26 PM
What it all comes down to:
Something in me says that there's nothing worse than voluntarily deceiving yourself, and that the only person you can really count on is yourself.
And something else says that I should fight against this cynicism as though for my life.
And I don't know which Something is me.
Friday night was very bizarre, something I think I'll never forget, in good and bad ways. Honestly, there were things that were not fun about Friday night. I don't know, maybe it will get easier. Maybe it won't. Much remains to be seen, I guess.
Saturday I spent time with my dad's side of the family. We played cards. Wholesome fun. Good times. Then I went to Eric's surprise party, and I was very late. I got there just in time to watch the campfire dying down and then be herded indoors for DDR.
And then Other Seth (Seth Carter) showed up, with Zmegz. I behaved completely normally. But seeing him again got me thinking about Things, which is always a little dangerous.
On the way home, and all last night, and all this morning, I keep asking myself If I could have anything, what would it be? And I had two answers, but somehow, they were both wrong.
...It hurts to want everything, and nothing at the same time...
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