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Saturday, August 31, 2002 @ 3:16 AM
Tonight was strange, painful, crazy, confusing, and one of the single greatest nights of my life.
I feel exhausted, strung-out, sedated, hyper, and dizzy at once. I think I need to sleep.
I have plans all day tomorrow, but we're partying on Sunday, by frickity heck! So post messages with your ideas for fun times, and I will consider all suggestions. Or, by all means, call my cell phone.
Thanks to everyone who visited me tonight or in the past weeks and especially to the people who brought me foodstuffs. =)
Friday, August 30, 2002 @ 3:37 PM
I'm in Guerilla after all! Yay for people quitting and me being voted in!
And I guess I realized (again) sometime this afternoon that with beauty comes insincerity and shallowness. With vast unattractiveness comes a reason to develop intelligence and quirky charm. I never got a choice about what I wanted to be, but if I did, I wouldn't change anything. =)
I had to post this, even though the time that I'm going to spend at work just keeps getting shorter and shorter... The Guerillas just called! Someone quit! I'm in! Party tonight in Atkin 871, open invite! No roommate means no problems!
I love when a bad day suddenly gets much, much better. =)
::feels elated, scampers off for food, work, and class::
I came home and was greeted by about twelve different IM's that were sent while I was away or while Karissa was using my computer to download music. I thought I left an Away Message up, but apparently not. I apologize to everyone who tried to talk to me. And Julia, I too was amazed when I realized that Sims could get married, and also be gay. Have you gotten members of a gay couple to "move in" with each other yet? We can talk about this at length later. Like tomorrow night? What's everyone doing tomorrow night? I want to have people over to stay the night, my roommate will be out of town starting at 5pm. Come, or come to stay. Either is fine.
And now begins the depressing part of the post. If you don't want to "hear" my whining and bitching, please don't read what's below.
Cute-Blonde-Guy-Colin was not so much feeling the Kellie-love. I was completely and totally rejected. I'm alone in my room, and I'm just waiting for a call from Theresa, or Christy (sp?), so I have something better to do than sit here feeling like a loser.
I should not take this personally. I'm probably just not his type. It shouldn't mean there's anything wrong with me... But I can't help feeling like it does.
It wouldn't be so bad except tonight was so incredibly horrible... Christy (sp?) - who I adore, by the way - dressed me in this cute, little peasanty-type yellow shirt, and I felt all exposed and self-conscious, and they did my hair and make-up, and we went to Rocky's, and I brought Colin, but he hit on trashy girls and I got basically molested by a tall guy with glasses. I tried dancing close to Colin, but he just kept grinning all dopey at me, instead of actually getting into it. He left with the rest of us though, then said that he should probably go home. I walked with him back to the dorms. Karissa wasn't here, but he wanted to go to his place and sleep. I tried to get him to stay, but... Futile. He hugged me a couple of times, and he called me "man," and I told him I didn't want him to leave, but it didn't make a difference. I couldn't do anything to make him stay. I knew he was too gorgeous to be interested in me. I knew it. What happened to the stereotype that straight guys don't bother talking to girls unless they want to nail them? I'm sorry, but I have all the platonic friends I need. I have the best platonic friends in the world. All I want is a few, or even just one, of the non-platonic variety. I don't think that's so much to ask... There has to be someone out there willing to let me take advantage of them... Unless I really am so devastatingly unattractive that I'm painful to look at.
What can I say? I hate writing this whiny insecure low-self-esteem teenage-girl crap just as much as you hate reading it. You don't have to post about how you love me, because I know you do, and I'm grateful. I truly am. It just... sucks... It sucks to realize that I can try to play the game all I want, but I can never win it. And I can tell myself all kinds of things about beauty being on the inside, but it's still painful to suddenly be reminded that in some ways, I just don't measure up.
Thursday, August 29, 2002 @ 10:28 AM
So, I went to the PRIDE meeting, and I had fun, but I keep having second thoughts about playing an active part of the group. The thing is, I constantly question whether or not I really belong there. "Allied" or not, PRIDE isn't really meant for people like me. The only reason I went to things like Open Door in high school was to be supportive of Dan, but he has plenty of friends of His Own Kind to support him at PRIDE meetings. I can support him at other times besides Wednesday nights.
I stopped by Colin's room and he was working on homework, but he said he'd stop by Movie Night when he was done. Then I went to Theresa's, where we watched Super Troopers, and laughed hysterically. Such a horrible movie, and so funny... A good time was had by one and all. "Oh, shit, I got you good, fucker!" Colin never showed up.
After realizing that Karissa wasn't coming home last night, I went to Colin's, with the resolution that I would say hello if his door was open, but I'd just go away if it was closed, rather than risk waking up him or his roommate. But the door was open a crack and the lights were on, so I knocked, and heard, "Come in."
Colin was in his boxers, printing his homework. I said hello to his roommate. Colin asked if the movie was over, and I told him it was, and he told me to sit down, and I did. And he sat down, and picked up his guitar, which is named Woody, and started playing the beginnings of songs and making weird faces. There was some light flirting, we examined each other's artist callouses. But then things really took a turn for the worst. Playing his guitar in his boxers, making faces at me, mocking my Townie status... He suddenly reminded me of Seth way, way too much. I left before one a.m., went home, and went to sleep. I don't think I'll be dropping by Colin's again. If he asks me out, I'm not going to say no, but I'm not going to get on the same roller coaster I just got sick from.
My roommate just asked me, "Kellie, have you ever really liked a guy but not wanted to make a commitment to him because you knew you would cheat on him?"
"No," I said. I have never cheated on anyone. I've never wanted to. I'm a good person. Why am I alone, then, unless I'm meant to be that way?
< / whining >
I can't decide what to do about this weekend. I could stay in the dorms and party, or I could go home and sleep and mope. I would like to get together with the U-High kids. I'd really love to have a sleep over in Atkin 871. Does that interest anyone?? I'll probably make phone calls later today. =)
Wednesday, August 28, 2002 @ 6:46 PM
Second Addendum: Kellie did not make it into Guerilla Theatre Troupe. Kellie sad, but is OK.
Addendum to Post Below: Hot blonde guy not home. Kellie leave note. Kellie go to PRIDE meeting to hang out with gay people. =)
So, it's Wednesday. Big revelation, I know. =)
Last night, I forgot that it was Tuesday and accidentally skipped my 7pm class. I am too stupid to be in college. I can't even keep track of what day of the week it is... Or maybe I'm an absent-minded genius. Only time will tell...
I still haven't found out about whether or not I made it into Guerilla, and I'm trying not to rip out my hair over it. Dan just found out that he's in, so when you talk to him, tell him Congratulations!
I kind of feel like babbling a little about my professors... I have Rutter for Brit Lit, and he has two really annoying habits: 1.) He blinks melodramatically. It's scary. 2.) His lectures are all over the place and impossible to follow. Also, he quotes the text in Anglo-Saxon instead of modern English, which is... I don't know, also, I guess, scary. His TA, however, is sexy and British. I could listen to him talk for hours, but I'm not sure I'd understand anything. The accent is just beautiful... I have Otis Rothenberger for Chem for Idiots Who Hate Chem, and he's hysterical. He reminds me intensely of Doug Borst. Class attendance is totally optional, but I keep dragging my ass out of bed at 8:00 in the morning just to See Otis Do Stuff (his code phrase for demonstrations and experiments).
I have Beck for FOI. She keeps giving us ridiculously tedious busywork. The highlight of the class are Jeremiah and Dan. To imagine who they are, picture Nikita and Neel Naik. They are troublemakers and I *heart* them. I have Nassar for History and Gorr for Philosophy. Nassar pronounces "various" as "volius," which amuses me way more than it should, and Gorr is hilarious because he plays devil's advocate and gets everyone worked up whenever we have class discussions. Including me. Today we were talking about whether or not it makes sense to vote, and I told him, "You're wrong because your line of thinking isn't fair." Needless to say, I lost the argument.
In about half an hour, Dan's coming over, and then we're going to track down the hot blonde guy named Colin who I flirted with in the dining hall yesterday. Dan will be my "out" if Colin turns out to be a freak of nature. Yes, I'm a coward. But I know nothing about this guy except that he lives in Colby and he may or may not like punk music (and he's sexy as hell and has a great laugh). Depending on how dinner goes, I'll either go to the PRIDE meeting with Dan or hang out with Colin. The roommate already told me she's spending the night elsewhere, so I think I'll actually get to go to bed nice and early and be wide awake for Otis Antics tomorrow morning. =)
I have added a new feature to the journal, for those of you who haven't already noticed. There is a list below the form you can use to send me e-mail. It is a list of things that you can bring me in exchange for my eternal love. If you're not interested in my eternal love, we can certainly make other arrangements as necessary. ;)
Tuesday, August 27, 2002 @ 2:42 PM
I went to the first meeting of FMLA (Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance) last night. It was pretty cool, all the feminists seem really funny and nice and we're going to be doing some really awesome stuff this year, like Take Back the Night and the Clothesline Project. I also auditioned for Guerilla Theatre, and I should find out whether or not I made it sometime tonight. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to be involved in the actual theatre department (since I'm just a minor, not a major). I'm considering Speech Team but I haven't heard anything about when their seasons starts or what kind of time commitment it is. I plan to judge and maybe coach for U-High, which will be a nice extra source of income... and I'll start back at my job at Rambo House probably Wednesday or Thursday.
I'm sure there's something here for me, I just can't imagine spending four years at ISU... Last week was the longest week of my life... I guess the answer is to just take it a day at a time, and keep telling myself that I can always transfer... whether that's actually true or not...
Somewhere out there, there's a job that I can do for the rest of my life without feeling like I'm in Hell. I have no idea what it is. But it has to exist. College, for me, is going to be a four-year search for the ultimate oxymoron: A job that doesn't suck.
Monday, August 26, 2002 @ 11:19 PM
Feminists are awesome.
Awesome like me.
That is all.
Sunday, August 25, 2002 @ 7:06 PM
Saturday and Sunday were very dull. I spent a lot of time sleeping, studying, and writing poems. Steve got my printer working. I'm going to be spending some time updating the website tonight, and maybe I'll get to watch Adult Swim with Dan if he's around. Nate's (supposedly) coming to visit me tomorrow, around 3:45.
Steve read the entire novel. Supposedly, once he started, he couldn't stop. He agrees with me that I'm going to have a lot of fun explaining to the people who know me what happened and what I made up. When I change the names, he wants to be called Chris. Does anyone else have any requests? Everyone gets to be their middle name (except Dan who's Kevin), unless they tell me something different... so this is your chance.
I'm posting a poem. I'm not sure it has any literary merit, but it's something I feel like sharing. You certainly don't have to read it if you don't want to.
"Clashing Paradigms"
You need to be needed, but I already feel complete, You kneel before me, and I stand uncertain on my feet I was happy with myself until you made me feel ashamed, I am thrilled with who I am – but you want me to change
It’s not my fault I found solace in your flesh, It’s not your fault our manifestos don’t mesh, It’s not my fault I let things go so far, It’s not your fault you are the way you are.
You want to be the missing piece, but I'm already whole, You want me to live for you, but I won’t play the role, You want to move me, but I am happy right here, I’m sad and I’m angry, but now everything is clear.
It’s not your fault you want someone to adore, It’s not my fault I don't want adoration anymore, It’s not your fault you’re in a different place, It’s not my fault I’d rather have my space, It’s not my fault I let things go so far, It’s not your fault you are the way you are.
Saturday, August 24, 2002 @ 3:31 PM
So, Crazy Planet wasn't so great. It was nice to see Liz Holt again, but we were so exhausted that we could barely stay awake.
We stopped by Open Door, and it just made me wonder why we ever spent so much time there... Or at least why I did... Dan and I have a new deal. I'll go to PRIDE meetings if he goes to Feminist Majority meetings with me. =)
Getting drunk was the best. It was fun just watching Can't Hardly Wait with Dan and Steve, and it was also fun once Jeff and about a billion of Dan's other friends showed up. I think six people gave me $1 to help pay for the lemonade, so I have... $8 to my name, plus $4 in change. And Jeff really helped put ...everything... in perspective.
I have a lot of work to do before Monday, and I still feel incredibly sleepy, and kind of sick. I think I'm going to study some and come to a decision later as to whether or not I can go to Eric's tonight...
"I'm on my own. No hard feelings." When I said it about Josh, I meant it. Now I find I'm saying it about an entirely different situation, and it's not that easy. Sooner or later, I'll be able to be friends with him. But... right now... it's just not an option.
Thanks, everyone, for being so supportive. I love you all. =)
Friday, August 23, 2002 @ 9:43 AM
Does anyone want to go to Crazy Planet with Dan and I tonight? We still need a ride there and then back to the dorms, where you can either take your leave of us or stay while we get very very drunk.
I refuse to apologize for this. I'm in college, I'm in pain, and I'm going to get drunk with my best friend. Don't believe in drinking? Don't drink. Maybe I'm not as strong as you, the point is, if I feel like killing brain cells, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Oh, and I'm going to join the Feminist Majority on campus. Meetings are on Monday nights if anyone wants to come with me. =)
Thursday, August 22, 2002 @ 1:35 PM
NOTE: If you want information about what's going on with me, skip this post and read the two below it first - particularly the longer one. This post is just a conversation with my brother. He answered the phone when I called at 7:20 this morning, rather distraught. Then, he IM'd me just a few minute ago, shocking me with his niceness. That thing about siblings getting along once they're far away from each other might actually be true... Huh...
wjp9485: what was the problem this morning? kellie rai: Well... Seth and I sort of "broke up" or whatever... and I got locked out of my dorm last night. wjp9485: wow, shitty wjp9485: sorry to hear that kellie rai: Yeah... My first week of college is not going so well. Classes are all right, but... My roommate and I aren't getting along so great... wjp9485: haha wjp9485: how could u get along with a 16 year old? kellie rai: We agreed that we'd turn off the lights and TV and stuff by 1am on weeknights, but she hasn't yet. And her boyfriend is *always* here... grrr. wjp9485: tell her to fuck off then wjp9485: its not that hard wjp9485: u think she will beat u up? kellie rai: You make a good point... It's a lot easier to tell a family member to fuck off than a stranger, though. At least for me. wjp9485: so what, say, im tired of your shit, i live here too, turn the fucking lights out now kellie rai: Heh. Mom said something like that too, but it was more like, "I live here too, and I need to sleep. Don't make me call the RA." wjp9485: yea, thats gay when you threaten people, tell her to fuck off...that should work kellie rai: Don't say gay to mean stupid. They're not synonymous. wjp9485: blah blah blah wjp9485: just be really rude wjp9485: and you never warn someone before you get them in trouble, that way when they do, you get to see their shocked face... kellie rai: LOL. wjp9485: i gotta eat...later wjp9485: goodluck
Wow, I never suspected there was a person in there somewhere... Go figure. =)
So... last night Seth came over and we went to visit Dan. I didn't think we'd be gone long, so I didn't even bring my keys, wallet, or cell phone. This was just amazingly stupid. Seth and I ended up having the kind of conversation that's impossible to walk away from - the result of which, if you couldn't tell from the post below, is that whatever "happened" between us is now over. It's very complicated. You'll probably be able to read the entire story from beginning to end in the novel, when I'm finished editing and revising and all of that good stuf...
"Can you kind of get that this is my life? ...Always being on the wrong side of the same goddamned unbalanced relationship?"
What seems funny is how "devastated" always seems to immediately follow "smitten." My life as told by imood: "mellow" -> "smitten" -> "devastated" -> "bitter" -> "mellow."
This... is Bitterness... Bitterness... eventually becomes Cynicism... which is... the same thing, really... but... less hostile.
Plus, I was locked out of my room, which really kind of sucked. I stayed with Dan last night, but when I realized I still couldn't get in this morning, I sort of flipped out. Overwhelmed, I finally called my mom, who I talked with and now I feel a little better. I managed to get the guy at the front desk to lend me a key so that I could get into my room.
My thought process has been running wild for the past twelve hours. None of what I'm thinking is permanent, I'm just all over the place, but it's running something like this if you're curious: Friendship is the only lasting relationship. It is the only thing worth pursuing. Friends support you and love you. Attraction is temporary, and thus, friendship and attraction are not compatible. You cannot trust anyone who you're involved with in a physical way. Therefore, the only males I can trust are the gay ones. Relationships - as currently conventionally defined - are only for the weak, and what I am is strong - So I'm not myself when I'm with anyone. And in the end, I'm alone, and that's the way that it's supposed to be. Everything else is fleeting. It feels good, and it's what makes me alive. But it's temporary, and I have to accept that, and make friends with that, and someday, eventually... love that. I have before, and I can do it again.
So... what do I do now?
...I write poems. Do you know why they're all the same? Because the story never changes.
...I lean on my friends for support. And I bask in the glow that of loving others and being loved on my own terms.
...I cry, and scream, and sulk. Maybe I rebound, maybe I vow emotional celibacy, maybe I get drunk and make out with a stranger. Whatever. I recover. And then I go back into the world with a piece of me missing, knowing that someone has it and I can never get it back. I learn to live without it, and then I live.
See this pain? This is inevitable pain. This is my life.
It's over. It's for the best, and it's over.
I forgot how awful this feels.
Wednesday, August 21, 2002 @ 3:54 PM
Okay, something is going to have to be done about the roommate's odd relationship to sleep.
We agreed to go to bed at one, but every night, one comes and goes, and she's still talking on the phone with BET turned on. I end up pulling the covers over my head and headphones on my ears, which doesn't really help much. It sucks sucks sucks.
I'm going to have to gather my courage and tell her that I need to be awake in class, and that means sleeping at night.
At least we worked out an arrangement that will hopefully prevent future occurences of me coming back from class, turning my key in the lock and hearing a male voice yelling, "HOLD UP! HOLD UP! DON'T COME IN!"
Personally, I don't think writing "The door is locked" on the white-board is all that subtle, but it was her idea, and (sadly) she's probably going to be the one with cause to write it every other day... ::growl::
Tuesday, August 20, 2002 @ 10:44 AM
Overall, I would describe my first day and a half of classes as slightly hectic. I still haven't had all of them, and I was forced to make a major schedule change, dropping 11:00 MWF ENG 101 b/c I already got credit for it (thank you AP test scores), and picking up another class that frosh technically aren't supposed to take in their first semester: HIS 111, 7:00 TR. I never get to watch another new episode of "Buffy" live. I just hope someone will tape it for me...
I talked to Josh, and it went better than I expected. I'm on my own now, no hard feelings. Really. =) Then Seth and I went to a party in Hudson. I had to bug and bug and bug him to leave before one so I could get some sleep, but then my roommate kept me up until three anyway... dammit....
Monday, August 19, 2002 @ 1:15 PM
Yesterday my car died (it turns out it's just a broken gas gague) while Maddie was driving it. Doug ended up teaching Julie how to drive a stick-shift. I went to Kat Hayford's party and finally saw Just & Cori for the first time all summer. Then Steve and I went to Gadzooks and saw lots of people, including Annie Creswell and Katie Karl (bless her pie-making soul). I bought some pajamas and some jewelry and a sticker with a happy bunny that says, "I hate everything." I saved about $10, which is good because since I'm in college, I must constantly be poor. Speaking of which, my meal plan had been de-activated, and I had to pay cash for breakfast. But it works now.
I had two of my classes already today, and I have the last at 2:00, which is Philosophy. In each one of my English classes, I found out that I'm missing books. "Masterpieces of Brit Lit" is probably going to be taught by the undergrad assistant, and my Language and Composition class is tiny and taught by Mrs. Clesson's long-lost cousin - they look nothing alike, but they're both passionate in that adorable, dopey way. I think we'll get along nicely.
All U-High people reading this: Post and tell me about your first day of school, so that I can feel better about mine. =)
Sunday, August 18, 2002 @ 11:19 AM
Last night I went to Panic Room (good), then to Jim O's party (bad) and then to Jeff's for lemonade and games (festive).
Today I'm teaching Julie to drive a stick shift around noon. I also plan to go to my permanent address and drop off some laundry and visit with my family. Then at 6:00 I have the Gadzooks 25% off "After Hours" sale. At 8pm I have my Tech Orientation class, and then I'm going to go home, organize my books, and get a good night's sleep for the first day of classes tomorrow. I have what I think are going to be my good classes (ENG 110, ENG 101, and PHI 104) on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and what I think will be not-so-much-good classes (CHE 102 and FOI) on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I start at nine Monday-Thursday an at eleven on Fridays. I have Tuesday and Thursday afternoons free - which is probably when I'll work at Rambo House, starting back in a couple of weeks.
I think my FOI professor is going to be all right. She basically told us that as long as we talk and participate in her activities and keep her entertained, she's not going to lecture or make us read. And I heard there's a definite possibility I won't have to actually go to my Chem class. Apparently Chemistry & Society is ISU's biggest joke.
Well... the second biggest joke. It's right after "CINNAMON BAGELS!"
Saturday, August 17, 2002 @ 10:01 AM
Just looked at my last entry. Of course, seeing Thetard again was no big deal. She thanked me for coming to the show, apologized for not being able to make it to "Sure Thing," and asked me how I've been. Oh, and I got to talk to see Sarah Weiss, Monica Hesse, Colleen & Tessa, and more recent alumni and my favorite students, who were ushering. =)
The show was cute. By far, the best part was Andrew Hesse's inside joke for Fiddler participants.
So... Thoughts on college... well, college, pre-classes... I think I'll get used to the roommate watching BET and listening to angry rap nonstop, being constantly on the phone or on dial-up AOL (even though ResNet's only $60/semester), not wanting to take messages but preferring to say, "She's not here, 'bye now," coming home at any hour of the night or morning, bringing her boyfriend back to our room and saying oh-so-subtley, "You are going to want to ignore us tonight."
(This really doesn't bother me much. Rap music will grow on me, or Sheryl Crow and the Gin Blossoms will grow on her. Or both. The boyfriend seems nice enough, not at all creepy... And I think I can expect her to be similarly understanding if I want to have someone stay over and said someone could actually do that, despite not having his own car, an 8-5 job, and a high-strung mother, who he for some reason still lives with... it's still possible...)
I'll get used to the feeling that I'm going through the motions of a "mature decision" that was practically made for me. I'm going to make the most of being still in town, the most of being in college at all when what I'd rather do is be a writer and director (read: hobo.) It's like the guy says in Orange County:
"I have to go to college!" "Why?" "BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO AFTER HIGH SCHOOL."
So here I am. And now that I'm here, I'm going to enjoy myself. And all the crazy little adjustments, those are going to become second nature, sooner or later. I'll go home, and wonder what I ever did with so much space and privacy and security. I'll get used to having to get up at 7 a.m. if I want breakfast. I'll get used to having to "check-in" any time I come home after midnight. I'm already starting to get used to locking my door every time I leave the room.
The only thing that I can't imagine I will ever get used to are the showers. It's just too strange to be completely naked except for flip-flops*.
In case you weren't aware, you have to wear flip-flops in public showers, or you'll grow warts on your feet and no one will love you anymore.
Friday, August 16, 2002 @ 6:03 PM
I'm debating about going to Forever Plaid tonight.
On one hand, it's sort of the right thing to do.
On the other hand, I'd be almost certain to see Thetard. And she'd probably try to talk to me.
Of course, I could take that as an opportunity to scream, and then turn and run, humiliating both of us.
Yeah... I'll be there... ::sigh::
Thursday, August 15, 2002 @ 8:00 PM
Dorm life = pretty interesting. Roommate seems okay, but it's going to be... an adjustment...
Hopefully Seth won't say anything else about her "weird" clothes.
ISU has all these worthless things for me (and the rest of the frosh and the transfers) to go to tonight and tomorrow and this weekend. Even the required sessions seem like a complete waste of time. I finally got ResNet installed, and Karissa and I still don't have cable. Also, our phone doesn't ring. We checked the volume. We plugged in a different phone. Finally, we set up my answering machine. The only way we know someone is calling is when the machine picks up. How much of a pain is that? But I highly recommend calling our room, since the outgoing message is pretty much hysterical. =)
I think we're going to go to Orange County tonight, which I fully intend to MST3K. I'll probably make it an early night, since I haven't had one of those all week. On the other hand, I don't have much time left before classes start, and I may want to take full advantage of the fact that I don't have anything I have to do until 11am tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 14, 2002 @ 2:55 PM
I didn't get brainwashed by Seth and his cohorts. The experience was really rather like going to church with a friend. You feel good because you understand that the desire to convert you comes from a good place inside your friend, a place that wants to share with you something special and important in their life, but at the same time, you feel a little sad, because you think if they really loved you the way you are, they wouldn't want to change you, and they wouldn't want to pressure you into their way of thinking.
I got some really bad news today just a little while ago, and I'm still kind of dealing with that. I'll probably need a good 24 hours to process, maybe I'll write about it tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I got a new high score on Bejeweled: 35,970. Pretty sweet, huh?
I'm taking off work in another five minutes, and going home (to Hanson St, not Atkin). I'm meeting my Mom & Maddie for an early dinner, then they're going to drop me off at the dorm and I'm leaving my car at home. Then I'm hoping to see lots of visitors to my room, starting around 7:00. If you don't think you're invited, check your e-mail, or call me. The more the merrier, so if I've forgotten you, just let me know.
Tuesday, August 13, 2002 @ 11:10 AM
I'm moved into the dorms! Well, actually, I don't have all my clothes yet, because move-in is such a pain in the ass, but for the most part, I'm moved in. I'm not sure when I can expect the roommate. I met my RA in the elevator this morning.
Last night Dan and I chilled and watched X-Men and I told Seth I'd go to Chicago tonight to some kind of what I can only view as either an empowerment workshop or a cult meeting. It's setting off all kinds of skepticism alarms in my brain, but it clearly means a lot to him that I'm going...
Oh, the dread... I'll tell everyone the same thing I told Steve and Dan - If I come back brainwashed, and you can't snap me out of it, shoot me.
Friday, August 09, 2002 @ 11:33 AM
So, I've been getting a lot of really incredibly negative feedback lately from strangers visiting my 'blog. And it's very strange to be attacked by people who I don't think really know me, or understand the purpose and history of this journal.
Strangers of the world? This journal is not being written for you. I'm writing it for me. I've elected to write it online so that it can be shared with my friends and loved ones, but really, I'm writing it for myself. If you don't like this journal, this website, then... leave. It's just that simple.
At the same time, I've gotten a lot of positive feedback, mostly in the form of e-mails, which I save in a folder called "Fan Mail" and appreciate very much. So my advice to everyone reading this is simple: If you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all. There are plenty of better things to do on the web than share your opinion with people who simply don't want it or care about it.
Ah. Now that I've gotten that off my chest...
If imood weren't down right now (and by "down" I mean not working and not available), I would set my mood to "smitten," with a yellow smiley face next to it, because that's how is simply how I feel right now. I feel like I have stars in my eyes... Call me sad and pathetic if you must, but I care about someone and he cares about me, and I'd forgotten how good that can feel.
I'm going to try to write two more chapters today - for a total of three - and four tomorrow. And then, guess what, kids? I'll be finished. More than 60,000 words, and they're all mine...
As of this morning, my entire family is out of town, and you know what that means. Party at my place. (Not that we act any differently when my moms and brother are at home...) Come over any time around 7 p.m. and hopefully we'll get in one last quality party at my place before I move into the dorms on Monday.
And just when you thought this entry couldn't get any longer, I present: The Friday Five.
1. Do you have a car? It's not exactly mine... it's tan, and I think it's called a Catalina.
2. Do you drive very often? I don't like to drive, and I don't think I'll really miss it when I give it up in, like, a week.
3. What's your dream car? This is really something I've never thought about. All I know is that I would want it to be painted ice blue, because that's the coolest color in the world.
4. Have you ever received a ticket? No, but it seems like I'm always in the passenger seat when other people do... Cori, my brother... Dan...
5. Have you ever been in an accident? A few fender-benders, but nothing major. My first was on the day of my junior prom... The college student who I hit yelled at me until I started to cry... He was scary.
All right, I need to get back to the novel writing if I want to finish another two chapters before people come over. Peace and love to all, and special thanks to everyone who's defended me from mean-spirited strangers. Have a peachy weekend and don't let the man get you down. =)
Wednesday, August 07, 2002 @ 10:13 AM
There are things going on right now that make me want to become a hermit.
This really has been the Summer of Miscommunication, the Summer of Phone Tag. But it's going to be all right, all I have to do is be bigger than the Issues that are closing in on me.
I haven't talked to Josh yet - and I will - but at this point, there's nothing he could say. Right now, it looks like I'm not going to have to worry about resuscitating my dream. Instead, I'm going to be starting from scratch. It looks like I poured myself for three years into a company that was never really mine to care about. So I'm starting over. That's probably for the best. Does anyone have any suggestions for a name?
And, it looks like I couldn't write a novel in a month. I still have twelve chapters (out of sixty) to go. I really want to get finished before I move into the dorms... I'm committed to this project, to these characters... I like where the story is going, and it's going to get there...
And maybe I will lose a friend or two this summer, a friend or two this fall... Sometimes I think that every time I lose someone, I get a piece of myself back. That doesn't make it hurt any less... just one of the ways in which cynicism is beginning to fail me. But when something fails you, you mold it into something new. So, once again, values are shifting. Alliances are being broken by betrayal and apathy. As always, truth is elusive, subjective... incomplete.
I'm not trying to be deliberately cryptic, but I want to give people at least an idea of what's going on in my mind, and I can't be more specific b/c there are just some things you don't discuss on the Internet.
::smiles at the irony, goes back to work::
Tuesday, August 06, 2002 @ 12:56 PM
There's way too much going on right now. I'll write a lot later.
Saturday, August 03, 2002 @ 11:59 AM
So I finished through Chapter 42 last night. I'm supposed to go pick up Steve at noon, but I haven't gotten ahold of Megan to ask when we can hang out with her. At 4:00, people are coming over to watch Tim Burton movies. Dan works 12-5 today and Michelle works 3 to close, so we'll probably be visiting both of them, and picking up condoms, green Jell-O, and spaghetti.
So... I have to say that Sure Thing feels a little hollow. I think it's because it's so short and because Julie's so incredibly laid-back... a Stick & Co. Production just doesn't feel right without giddy energy and the director having a slight nervous breakdown... It also barely qualifies as a S&C show b/c I've had such a low level of involvement and there's no program, advertising, or, well... organization of any kind...
I miss directing. I miss pouring myself into something so completely. I miss the feeling in the air that you can almost touch - the knowledge that you are bringing something amazing to life... For almost a month I've been trying not to think about how much S&C really means to me, ever since the failed auditions when I realized that my legacy is trying to commit suicide. Right now, I have to concentrate on moving into the dorms and starting college - all I can do is try to make connections, get people interested, get them involved, so that I can resuscitate my dream next summer.
Friday, August 02, 2002 @ 4:11 PM
I am so hurt that Megan [Dougherty] thinks I'm obssessed with Seth.
::sniffle::
NOTE: NOT REALLY. JOKE.
So... Yeah, it's time for a little shamless Stick & Co. Promotion.
Come to see "Sure Thing" by David Ives! The performance is 8:30pm in Centennial West room 202. Julie Fisher is directing, Seth Gorden and Katie Karl are starring. The show is only about ten minutes long, but it's very, very funny. =)
Feel free to invite your friends and families and strangers you meet on the street. Admission is free, but we will take donations. =)
For those of you who don't know, Centennial West is on the ISU campus, near downtown Normal. It's on Beaufort Street, across from the BP gas station. You can park in the lot by the BP or on the top level of the parking garage. See you there! =)
Thursday, August 01, 2002 @ 1:31 PM
My roommate for next year is a 16-year-old dancer from Joliet. I plan to call her tonight.
Most people, when they don't feel well, call in sick to work.
I, on the other hand, go to work, infecting others with my germs.
And I'm too out of it to work very had, so instead I'm playing Bejeweled.
By the way, I just played for almost half and hour straight and I was rewarded with the new high score of 10,695. Lick that for a while. =)
The hand of Fate is trying to tell Dan something. By kicking his ass.
So, we were following the best Satanists yet last night. These people knew we were following them, and they tried like hell to get away or lose us. Finally, they did an illegal U-Turn at the corner of Main and Ft. Jesse, left on a red light!
The next people we followed also ran a red light to get away from us - and shortly after that, we were pulled over.
Dan got a speeding ticket.
We went back to my house, and then I asked if Dan wanted to go to Kroger and buy some orange juice and cold medicine. When we went back to the car, Dan's over-head light was on. And his keys were locked inside.
My theory? The powers that be are trying to let Dan know it's a good thing that he's not taking his car with him to school.
...or maybe midgets...
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