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Wednesday, January 30, 2002 @ 7:13 PM
I can't decide whether everything is horrible or just really, really funny...
Thompson has us pitiful pre-calc students trying to quantify the possible ways to do NOTHING to an equilateral triangle (ask).
Mr. Allen considers himself a "masculinist," which means he feels that feminism has gone too far already and there's more discrimination against men than women and that "little boys are taught that they've done something wrong by being born male." More about this once I think I can handle the rage that will surge through my body when I allow this to actually sink in.
I really am a closed-minded, judgmental person. And the weird thing is, I'm not sure whether or not I want to change.
Tuesday, January 29, 2002 @ 1:47 PM
U-High is going to be starting Character Education. I am frightened. They want volunteers for the Character Education Committee. I am honestly tempted to volunteer for the committee purely in the hopes of bringing it down from the inside.
I know that nothing will come of this. The activities will end up consisting of a "Character is Cool Car Wash" or something equally lame and poorly attended, where the Future Shining Examples of U-High will suck up to the administration and win cool prizes. I'm sure of it... and yet...
And yet, I am entertaining a wide variety of paranoid fantasies in which the school starts handing out demerits for swearing and promiscuous sex, in which simple aphorisms replace rhetoric, and little blue pills replace the dissent I've worked so hard to cultivate. They are sneaking in morality through the back door! Their so-called attempts to cultivate school spirit, respect, and "character" are thinly-disguised ploys at controlling our actions and thoughts! And half of these kids are so dumb that it will work! "A gramme is better than a damn!" will be on the morning announcements! The ridiculous "The greatest students in the world..." banner will be replaced by one proclaiming, "War is peace! Freedom is slavery! Ignorance is Truth!" And children will march through the hallways chanting, "Lousy NCHS Communist Slackers! Kill them, knock them dead! Proudly hail our Alma Mater! Go, fight, win!"
I weep for the future...
Monday, January 28, 2002 @ 9:56 AM
Well, Cori has gone back to Augustana, and everything else has gone back to Normal.
They fight crime!
I discovered my true calling today. I'm going to write song parodies about Mr. Thompson.
I wish that I could get a C But there's the Problem of the Week
Sunday, January 27, 2002 @ 1:15 AM
Part answer, and part foolish question:
y
Saturday, January 26, 2002 @ 4:19 PM
I'm Joanne (in Among Friends and Clutter, the GI)! I get to attempt suicide, talk to my comatose father, and go on a blind date (strangely enough, in that order)! Plus, Regionals are a week from today, and I'm feeling pretty good about Prose... I think I have a shot of making it to Sectionals this year.
Cori, Kat, and Justin will be here later tonight to either play Cranium (again) or watch Harry Potter illegally on my computer. Whichever. So if you feel like it, go ahead and drop by or call the house. Just remember, as my mom said to me last night, we're running "a hotel, not a brothel." Which I think is funny, because I thought we were running a hippie commune. There's lots of cookies which I baked last night, which you may eat in exchange for a joke or a compliment.
About this time last year I was feeling sorry for myself because I didn't get into The Hiroshima Project, and the bright spot in my life was Logan.
How far I've come... =)
Friday, January 25, 2002 @ 7:50 AM
Today I started making a list of possible reasons guys don't like me:
1.) I am loud. 2.) I am free. 3.) I am (almost) fearless. 4.) I do not resemble the culture's current idea of what beautiful girls should look like. 5.) I am unapologetically clever. 6.) I am unapologetically honest. 7.) I am unapologetically over-emotional. 8.) I cannot dance innocently (and I'm not sure I ever could...) 9.) I hold feminist ideals. 10.) My best friend is an outspoken gay guy. 11.) I am unapologetically opinionated. 12.) I have crazy friends. 13.) I have a crazy family. 14.) I'm melodramatic (or at the very least, sappy.) 15.) I swear. A lot. 16.) I have bizarre taste in... well, everything. 17.) I am complicated to the point of being somewhat neurotic. 18.) I am slightly introverted. 19.) I can't flirt without meaning it (and even then, it's not a pretty sight...) 20.) I have very little capacity for shame. 21.) I have complex standards. 22.) I tell the most bizarre stories. 23.) I share highly personal poetry. 24.) For all my organizational skills, I am a slob. 25.) I'm not perfect. I'm not even close. And I don't want to be.
But, in making a list of reasons guys don't like me, I accidentally made a list of things that I wouldn't change about myself for anyone. Anyone who doesn't love me because of one of the reasons I listed, or for that matter, for any reason, isn't worth my time.
In other words? I can wait.
Thursday, January 24, 2002 @ 12:49 AM
This afternoon, I discovered the reason that I have an Us Vs. Them Mentality in the first place.
It was nothing major, really. Something I had forgotten to be used to. "Oh, man, Shaw, you lost the play to Kellie Powell." Some guy who's name I didn't even know. I could've dealt with that.
What killed me - "Aw, yeah, man, I know." This from Shaw. This from Shaw, while I stood there, completely within earshot. Immediately, I thought, "You bastard. I gave you a Christmas card. I very seriously contemplated asking you to Prom. I beat up on myself for lacking the maturity to not judge you by the people you hang out with." Turns out, my worst fears... were pretty much right on. Turns out all that bias and stereotyping... was there for a reason.
Why does it seem like every time I try to have faith in the human race, or give someone the benefit of the doubt, I end up feeling incredibly stupid? No good deed goes unpunished.
You know, I'm sure he didn't ask for me to think that he was different, for me to respect him. He probably didn't ask to be the guy who people look up to. But, you know, I didn't ask to be the girl that everyone looks down at.
And I was trying to sleep tonight, and I started thinking about something Rob said. He gave me some really comforting advice a couple months ago, which... I feel like disregarding right now. I don't care what you say, Rob. I am too weird, or too crazy, or too ugly, or SOMETHING, because everyone I've been interested in for the past six years has been... repulsed... by me. I can just hear someone chiming in right about now about how I need some self-esteem. But how would your self-esteem be if the only guys to want you for more than 24 hours in a row, in the past four years were Rob Swafford, Logan, and Josh Fowler? Not good. That is how it would be, and that is how you would feel. Not good. You wouldn't be able to sleep either. You might even be crying, too, if you're that kind of melodramatic insomniac. And you'd probably be thinking about college, and hoping against hope that things are different there.
Not like I think the guy's'll be lining up. Just... maybe... Maybe I'll be a person there, and not some stranger's punchline.
Wednesday, January 23, 2002 @ 10:06 AM
I didn't fail the re-take! I got a 75%! I never thought I would be so happy about such a bad grade...
New discovery - Hershey's chocolate pie is the solution to everything.
I have a question... if the object of my ridiculous infatuation is so obvious to everyone else... is it obvious to him? Or does such awareness require the amazing observational capacity of someone like Rob (who chuckled at me this morning over my recent choice of words)?
Tuesday, January 22, 2002 @ 7:33 PM
Think I failed the re-take of the quiz in Pre-Calc that I failed. No good.
I have much to read and much going on.
I hate when people tell you something is all in your head. I mean, isn't that worse? Because problems that have to do with someone or something else... are fixable. There are conflict management or coping strategies. People think that if something is in your own mind, you can get it out. People think that if you're doing something to yourself, you can just... stop doing it. It doesn't work that way.
I'm okay. Just... a little weak on my feet... And surprises of surprises, I'm starting to look forward to summer, and to college... Mostly because I think college holds the promise of knocking me out of the Us Vs. Them Mentality which is currently keeping me from asking a certain soulful poet to the Prom...
Friday, January 18, 2002 @ 12:15 PM
"How do you tell someone tactfully that it looks like a gopher died on their chin?" -Rob Carroll
The Thespian meeting/pizza party was fun for all. Thanks to my Creative Writing & Desktop Publishing class, you can now play the Game of Chance & Consequence - a representation of a journey through my life, complete with trauma and the collection of a Legacy Card.
Auditions approach. Speech on Saturday, work on Sunday, Class Night filming on Monday at noon. Today, I get to go the Waldenbooks Going-out-of-Business Sale with part of the PSWG! I have over $50 to spend on BOOKS! Huzzah!
Wednesday, January 16, 2002 @ 3:33 PM
I've been severely neglecting my 'blog. Here's what's going on with me. Teachers are either pissed at me or I'm pissed at them. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to auditon for The Kentucky Cycle. Dan and I are spending lots of time together, and I'm under a bunch of deadlines, the most important of which is figuring out what to submit for Brome & Beyond by FRIDAY.
Wednesday, January 09, 2002 @ 9:19 PM
Auditions tomorrow. Theatre Festival. Scared.
Worked three and a half hours in a row on my portfolio. Kill me.
Emaciated brain. Needs sleep.
Hopefully, this time tomorrow - complete sentences.
Monday, January 07, 2002 @ 5:46 PM
I'm feeling better, thanks to three gay guys. Dan, Nate, and David Sedaris.
I pulled a B- I'm not sure I deserve in my dreaded Pre-Calc class, and Dan's free hour moved to 1:00, so now we can hang out even more. Now if only I could finagle my way out of sitting between Stephen Brokaw and Emily Williams in AP Lang, all would be right with the world again.
I am just a little trapped in the bell jar.
I'll be fine.
Saturday, January 05, 2002 @ 11:52 PM
Tonight I wrote a song.
Lesson Re-Learned
So what if I’m angry? So what’s it to you? You’ll just file it under “Juvenile Issues.”
So what if I’m in pain? So what if I’m hurt? So what if you left me feeling like dirt?
So what if I’m crying? Why would you care? You had plenty of chances to listen But you weren’t there
I never asked you to give up on Having a life of your own I’m just sorry it always ends this way With you gone, and me all alone
No one is asking you to live in a bottle Or to compromise for my sake All I ask is that you not make promises That you already know you’ll break
So what if I’m angry? So what’s it to you? You’ll just file it under “Juvenile Issues.”
So what if I’m in pain? So what if I’m hurt? So what if you left me feeling like dirt?
So what if I’m crying? Why would you care? You had plenty of chances to listen But you weren’t there You weren’t there
So, so what if you lose me? It’s all the same to you You don’t care about anyone but yourself That’s nothing new
I thought I meant something I waited so long I thought that we were friends I was wrong
Open Door was fun. We played Taboo.
"They were people... who came..." "Pilgrims?" "How the...?" "Was that it?" "Yes!" "Well... go me!" -- Dan and Kellie
Today we're trying to have another party at Dan's. It was supposed to start at noon. Now it's going to start at 5:00, and there are only four people coming that we know of. So... yeah. Parties in Chenoa... They have to be planned more in advance, maybe that's the lesson? I want to play the Sims for a little while, but people keep talking to me... People like Logan... Weirdness.
NAGOL0607: Hello. kellie rai: Hi there. What's up? NAGOL0607: Not much, just chillin online before my acoustic lesson. NAGOL0607: You? kellie rai: Hanging out, going to Dan's later. NAGOL0607: Should I be? NAGOL0607: I wasn't aware there was anything going on at Dan's. kellie rai: What? Going to Dan's? Why on Earth would you? kellie rai: Dan hates you. NAGOL0607: Oh, that wasn't a question. NAGOL0607: Nevermind, I'm an imbecile. kellie rai: Yup. NAGOL0607: Hey! At least I didn't date ME (Oh!)!!! kellie rai: Hahah! NAGOL0607: It's kinda sad that I dated you for a year and that's the only thing I can say bad about you. kellie rai: You could say a lot of other things. NAGOL0607: Well, yeah. But couldn't you just let me be kind for one fucking moment, you fucking bitch! kellie rai: Riiiight.
Thursday, January 03, 2002 @ 6:26 PM
Yesterday I watched two movies right in a row at the Palace. Then Cor and Kat and I made cookies.
Dan's semi-impromptu party today was a bust. The one tentatively scheduled for tomorrow is cancelled. I feel like being a hermit, but I think I'll go to Open Door tomorrow night.
And now, to work on financial aid stuff...
Wednesday, January 02, 2002 @ 12:52 AM
Nate and I are watching horrible scary movies. I can never look at lipstick the same way again. Right now we're taking a break for Nate to play Worms with my brother. I'd play Sims but then the guys would probably mock me... You just can't get away with playing something called, "Hot Date" in front of guys like my brother and his friends...
Tuesday, January 01, 2002 @ 8:34 PM
Steph was quite surprised. Walked in, said, "What are all these people doing here?"
Joe Somebody had funny moments, but was all in all pretty bad. Funniest thing was when movie said, "'Night, Meg," and Dan thought they said, "Nutmeg." Also when I heard Stephanie say, "Well, at least that's better than doing it on the floor."
Today I worked on my history and hung out at my dad's. We watched Series 7, which is EXCELLENT, and available at the local Movie Fan. Right now, I'm downloading lots of songs by Nickelback, and preparing to play The Sims.
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