Never Better

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Monday, December 31, 2001 @ 7:45 AM

Working on my Presidential Scholarship Essay for ISU. Found myself typing the following. Of course I will
go back and edit it later, but I thought future generations should be able to enjoy:

Identify and explain your three most significant scholastic honors.

In keeping with my personal priorities, I have been on the Honor Roll for most but not all semesters during my high school career. I felt it was more important to challenge myself than to earn empty honors, and I think my academic record reflects that. One significant award I received was the … Whatever the hell that thing was called… [Insert Name of Meaningless Award Here.] ...

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BELIEF SYSTEM SELECTOR RESULTS!

The list below is modified by your input. The results are scored on a curve. The highest score, 100, represents the closest match to your responses. This does not mean that this or any religion has every view that you selected. However, the religion at the top of your list shares more of your selected beliefs than the others.

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (93%)
3. Liberal Quakers (87%)
4. New Age (86%)

...

27. Jehovah's Witness (16%)

I took this quiz in August 2000, and was reading through the archives and decided to take it again. Same results. I'm either a Unitarian or a Neo-Pagan. Non-practicing. It's that third one, Liberal Quakers... which kinda throws me off.

I selected "stunned" as my Imood today... I'm not even exactly sure why. I'm not particularly surprised about anything... but I feel the same way you feel when you're stunned... Unable to really... move, or communicate... Beaten into submission. By who? I'm reading the Archives... the past is coming alive, and wow... what a past...

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Last night I had an impromptu gathering at my house that lasted pretty much from 2 p.m. until 10 p.m. - and Dan hung around until 11:30. =) It was great fun, even though the Gay Team lost at Guesstures.

Then this morning I baby-sit two horrid little monsters from 6:45 a.m. until 3 p.m. I made $40. And read about another third of 1984. When I got home, and got in bed, and settled in to read, I promptly fell asleep. Nate woke me up with a phone call I mistook for my alarm clock (my phone is also an alarm clock) going off. I thought it was 9 a.m., and asked Nate why on Earth it was still dark outside. He called me a dork. That's okay, because I am one. After talking to him, I didn't feel like going immediately back to sleep. I planned to finish reading 1984, but instead, watched an hour and a half of cartoons. Space Ghost: Coast to Coast and Cowboy Bebop to be more precise. My nerdiness knows no end...

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Friday, December 28, 2001 @ 6:36 PM

Hmmm, so... last night... MegRed, Dan, Justin and Cori and I played Guesstures and had a pretty uneventful (translation: kinda boring) evening.

Today, Kat and I went DVD shopping, and we ran into Josh and MegRed at Barnes & Noble, where Josh threw gloves at me, and gave me a softspoken apology for not calling yesterday. Instead of firing him, he has been demoted. I don't think he was ever aware he held an important position (I seem to not be in the habit of telling people when I find myself trusting them against my better judgment), so he had no real incentive to do a good job. Can't blame him. The only one to blame is me... And that gets old after a while. So, Kat and the recently abandoned Cori and I are going to have a Loser All-Nighter. This never gets any easier, but I have learned the trick of toasting to accessories, and to the Gin Blossoms, who sing,

If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down.

Here's hoping.

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Thursday, December 27, 2001 @ 12:14 PM

Well, I ended up having a nice time all by my lonesome last night. I watched Bringing Out the Dead and Pleasantville. ("Could you have picked two more incredibly different movies?" -Kellie's Mom.) Then I fell asleep listening to the Goo Goo Dolls.

I turned down baby-sitting offers for New Year's Eve, so someone had better have a party. I got an invite for Ann Taulbee's, but unless nothing else is going on, I plan to blow that off. I don't want to have my own party, because then I'd have to wrestle Will away from his new Sega Dreamcast for an evening. As it was, I had to make him hook the VCR from his room up in the living room so I could have the Loser Film Festival last night.

I plan to hold another Loser Film Festival tonight if Josh doesn't call me sometime today. I plan to watch The Godfather. He apologized for last night, and yet, I wouldn't be surprised if he blew me off again tonight. I'm a sucker for "I'm sorry." I forgive... and then end up feeling really stupid for it later.

It's a feeling like this,
a growing need for a truer resolution...

Sorry to be cryptic, but I'm not used to having to deal with human beings... I've been playing Hermit a little too long...

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Wednesday, December 26, 2001 @ 9:21 AM


Good morning, everyone!

Did you all get good stuff for Christmas? Today I have to go see Lord of the Rings with my father, and sometime later in the week, I have to see it for what will be the fourth time with Mom & Mad. (Not that I mind, because as previously stated, movie is wikked awesome.) But after that, I should be all done with Family Time.

And what's going on for New Year's? I really don't want to end up baby-sitting!!! Please!! I've already had offers! I will turn them all down for one good party!!!

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Sunday, December 23, 2001 @ 11:34 PM

These are the notes various members of my family have left for each other in the past 3 days:

***

Left Friday afternoon:

Mom,

Going out with Josh. Not sure where we'll be. You'll probably have left for St. Louis by the time I get back tomorrow afternoon. Have a good time! Please leave money.

Love,
Kellie.

***

Left sometime Saturday afternoon:

Kellie,

See you late Sunday night. Keys for car. Don't let Will drive my car. Call Dad if you need to. $20 for food.

Love you, call you tonight,
Mom.

P.S. Be good/be safe. Let the dogs out a lot. Feed them. =)

***

Left Sunday night:

Will,

Going to Justin's. Thanks for hiding the PS2 wires, shitface. =) BTW, Loui called.

-Kellie

P.S. Don't drive Mom's car!

***

Left Sunday night:

Kellie - GO TO HELL!

Mom - Look in the Champs Sports bag to see what u got me for Xmas. Be back by 2.

Love, Will.

***

That's right. Envy me.

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Friday, December 21, 2001 @ 12:26 PM


Now my final are really over!

Hopefull tonight I'm going to a party in Dekalb!

Handing out Christmas presents was very fun! I hope everyone liked what they got and no one felt left out!

Merry Holidays,
Kellie

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Thursday, December 20, 2001 @ 11:38 PM


My finals are over! My finals are over!

Hopefully tomorrow night I'm going to a party in Dekalb!

I'm going to go to bed really soon, I promise. As soon as I get these last Christmas cards printed, and make two copies of Rent...

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I saw Lord of the Rings!!!

Last night, with Emily Baldoni, and Josh, and Jenny Satchwell, and Kathy. I'm still... absorbing it. It is still working its way into my brain. It will be probably another fourty-eight hours before I can actually... you know... form intelligent sentences about it... For now, two words:

Wicked Awesome.

I leave you with a little song from The Adventures of Blode:

Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Musk ox, musk ox, not very dirty,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy,
Cleaning musk ox, musk ox, very very easy...

Huh. I have a Pre-Calc Final in one hour.

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Wednesday, December 19, 2001 @ 9:44 AM

Finals Friday! I'm done at 9:30 AM! I'm going to spend the rest of the day handing out presents, and being Santa Claus!

Tonight I'm going to see Lord of the Rings! I'm so excited! But I've still got lots of work to do before this week is over. And lots more presents to buy, make, decorate, and wrap!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings, Blessed Solstice, or 42!

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Monday, December 17, 2001 @ 7:30 PM


Steph and Kat and Dan and I went to see Not Another Teen Movie. We were warned before buying our tickets that the theatre does not give refunds, even if we walked out after the first five minutes. So it wasn't like we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.

It's funny. It's gross. See it with a bunch of your funny, gross friends. Don't see it with your parents. Poor ten-year old sitting in the back of the theatre with his dad learned that one the hard way... Eesh.

We are all trying to do homework/studying, the four of us, and we are NOT succeeding. I have written only two transitions, and Dan has gotten like nothing done. Stephanie's making her authorized cheat sheet for Alg, and Kat's reading aloud to us from her physics book, which sounds as though it were originally written in English, translated into German, Swedish, and Crackinese, and then back into English once more.

"Consider a big six kilogram fish...If the large fish swims at one m/s, what is it's velocity immediately after lunch?"

"If a flower pot falls from a shelf onto your head, you may be in trouble. If it bounces from your head, you may be in more serious trouble."

"WHAP! POOF! CRUNCH!"

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PSWG has it's very first publication! It's called, "Redeeming Qualities" and it consists of the reflection papers of myself, Megan Dougherty, Allison Borst, Samantha Slama, and Jennifer Roberts. Send me $10 for your copy.

Last night, my brother bought weed (with my last few dollars) from Steve Vittitoe and five people smoked it in my kitchen (did I mention Mom & Mad are in Chicago?) then the mini-party (some of whom were high) watched X-Files, followed by some MTV and perhaps three straight hours of Cartoon Network.

Have I ever mentioned that I am inept at lighting a pipe and am therefore not worthy of smoking illegal drugs?

Space Ghost and Sealab 2021 were funny, and "Cowboy Bebop" though poorly named was hardcore. I didn't get quite enough sleep. My mind is semi-awake... I think I'd be fine if I could just keep my eyes open...

Lord of the Rings, 7:45 Wednesday night at University Cinemas. Get your tickets now. Thanks again to the angel who bought mine for me! Yay for Emily Baldoni!

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Saturday, December 15, 2001 @ 9:09 PM


Speech Meet today. 5th place in Novice Finals for DDA. We are switching pieces ASAP. I was ranked 1-3-4 in prelim rounds for Prose. If it had been 1-3-3 I would have gotten to go to semi-finals. But noooo, some moronic judge thought I deserved a 4... F'n Speech Judges... Jebus.

After the Speech Meet, I had dinner with my father. We had a pseudo-conversation. He mocked me for the way I hold a fork. He didn't give me any money. Something new for us...

Tomorrow I baby-sit from 6:45 a.m. to 3 p.m., then rush immediately to the choir concert, which is going to be hellishly long and boring. Perhaps I will try to hide a book in my robe...?

My Christmas Break is beginning to look nearly as busy and hellish as my regular school schedule, in that I'll be working the same amount of hours a day on my online course, reading 1984 again, and writing scholarship essays. At least with these tasks, I can start an hour later than school starts, and I don't have to waste any time pretending to listen to teachers. So it will probably be a lot more productive...

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Speech Meet today. 5th place in Novice Finals for DDA. We are switching pieces ASAP. I was ranked 1-3-4 in prelim rounds for Prose. If it had been 1-3-3 I would have gotten to go to semi-finals. But noooo, some moronic judge thought I deserved a 4... F'n Speech Judges... Jebus.

After the Speech Meet, I had dinner with my father. We had a pseudo-conversation. He mocked me for the way I hold a fork. He didn't give me any money. Something new for us...

Tomorrow I baby-sit from 6:45 a.m. to 3 p.m., then rush immediately to the choir concert, which is going to be hellishly long and boring. Perhaps I will try to hide a book in my robe...?

My Christmas Break is beginning to look nearly as busy and hellish as my regular school schedule, in that I'll be working the same amount of hours a day on my online course, reading 1984 again, and writing scholarship essays. At least with these tasks, I can start an hour later than school starts, and I don't have to waste any time pretending to listen to teachers. So it will probably be a lot more productive...

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Friday, December 14, 2001 @ 4:56 PM


All right, I can admit when I'm wrong.

I was worried Mrs. Thetard wasn't going to come through with my reccommendation, but she did. She mailed a particularly glowing letter this morning.

I will be so happy when this Nightmare of College Applications is over!

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I went to creative writing club yesterday. Matt Shaw's reflection paper is about his parents divorcing. His story parallelled mine in a lot of ways, right down to drinking R.C. Cola for breakfast.

Apparently, my father called my mom at work yesterday because he thought there was something wrong with me. My mom told him, "Kellie's the best she's ever been." I thought to myself. Yup... Me not talking to my dad is good for me.

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Tuesday, December 11, 2001 @ 7:44 PM

kellie rai: "When in doubt, don't breathe!" -Mrs. Corpus.
The White Stick: That's always a good plan.
kellie rai: Yeah. Who needs to breathe? :-)
kellie rai: She meant something about we had to hold all seven beats of the word "treeeeeeeeee," in this song... but it's funnier if you don't know that...
kellie rai: Guess what? Megan is going to put you in my Bottle. Justin Lomelino and I are the leaders, and you get to be there, and David Robinson, and the concept of poetry, and we also have unlimited access to Italy! And Michelle Ball is there, and Matt Shaw, and Andrew Hesse. And this guy Nick from TALENT, and marajuana and sour apple pucker.
kellie rai: And you can't possibly understand what I'm talking about, so I'm sorry for confusing you.
kellie rai: Oh! Oh! And I get to have a box of lemmings, but Megan wouldn't let me have my Sims...
The White Stick: That sucks.
kellie rai: Eh. Like I told Megan, I can get by with just my shoebox full of lemmings.
kellie rai: I think I'm going to turn Sma and Allison into lemmings so I can put them in a box, because there's an 11 person limit, and we're already maxed out. Of course, they could just start their own bottle, I guess...
The White Stick: That's true.
kellie rai: Are you placating me? :-)
The White Stick: Yes.

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Today Mischa came to talk to me about being on the committee for the GI. My first reaction? "Little too late!" I was insulted enough when Thetard didn't choose me the first time (I mean, I've been in two GI's, and when I wasn't cast, I didn't mope, I was on the bloody set crew! Isn't that worth something? Some form of appreciation? Just a little respect? Apparently not!), and picked people who had never done GI before ever! Now that two of her chosen few have quit her little crew, she decides to deign to invite me to give up my free time for the sake of her project - which she didn't even want me for in the first place.

I am probably totally blowing this out of proportion. But you can't just, like, insult people, and then expect them to do your bidding like nothing happened! Or anyway, you can't unless you're her. Gah... Musn't let her get to me. Must collect my Letter of Reccommendation for the University of Chicago and get out of high school. Must not let her make me bitter. That which does not kill me... makes me... bitter. Megh!

I'm working right now on a brief (well, it was originally supposed to be brief, now not so much) dissertation on the significance of my theatre experiences. Look for that when I launch the new page. There are only about five more things that absolutely have to get finished before I can upload the whole thing, joy of joys!

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Monday, December 10, 2001 @ 10:25 PM


We have a chorus concert this Sunday. It's the Holiday Concert. Translation: The really long and boring one. I hate all the songs we're singing. The only good side is that it looks like I'm going to get to stand by Nate. Small joys. =)

Kat gave me my Christmas present early. It's a copy of the 3rd Harry Potter book. Hardcover. It's brand new, and the binding cracks! Ahhhh, music to my ears! This would be another example of a Small Joy.

I am very amused by the smallest of things... and grateful for the most bizarre reasons.

And I think that's a good thing.

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Sunday, December 09, 2001 @ 10:40 PM

From The Spark's Gay Test:

Here's your updated list of friendly test-takers. In case you can't remember, you are 30% Gay. Below you'll find your friend's scores. We've also calculated the likelihood that each person has had a wet dream about you. They'll deny it, but we swear these percentages are accurate.
People you know...How GAY?Wet Dream Factor!
(New!) megan dougherty32%10%
(New!) Ryan55%20%
Dan Oltman56%19%
Cori27%7%
The White Stick50%70%
(New!) Rob34%81%
(New!) Katie Sebald26%6%
devon (Megan Hannah)40%16%
Todd49%71%
Ithiophilis Franks32%82%
Logan Doss Beaver40%77%
shaniqua (Ginny)21%4%
kat hayford20%4%
renata27%7%
Marion Sakaluk30%9%
(New!) Kat Helgeson30%9%
(New!) Talia23%5%

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The dance was fun, if not a little disappointing. Feel like I should have gone to Red's birthday instead.

Had a really weird dream last night, in which I was running around in circles... in an office building... or maybe it was a school? It felt very real...

Still working on Nev Bet 5.5, but I'm close. In the meantime, I'm looking for free domain forwarding. Does anyone have any ideas where I can get that? T35 cancelled my account due to "violation of the terms of service," and won't let me re-apply. So... yeah, I need to find a new place willing to do that.

You know what I noticed today? My complete apathy towards the news. Somehow, 5th grade "Current Events" failed to inspire me to actually give a damn about what's going on in the world. How did this happen? How did I become cynical to such a tragic point? It just doesn't seem right... And yet, no one can force me to read a newspaper or watch the 6:00 news. I'll wait for someone to quickly summarize the world's happenings. I'm sure if they're important, they're bound to come up in conversation. And if no one talks about it, then it's obviously just not worth my time.

I'm arrogant...

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Saturday, December 08, 2001 @ 4:10 PM

HayKath: so have you gotten my condoms yet?
kellie rai: no.
HayKath: darn
HayKath: my grandparents are here...it would be really funny to scare them
kellie rai: uh huh... you're twisted.
HayKath: well my grandparents are odd and don't spoil me
kellie rai: Hm. Still. Frightening them with condoms seems a little extreme.
HayKath: bah

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Friday, December 07, 2001 @ 3:42 PM


If you're not doing anything right now, go on over to the board and read my essay, "X-Mas in the Powell/Benner House." I seriously think it might be one of the best things I've ever written. Or at least the most meaningful thing I've ever written for a class.

Life is good, despite the business and suffering of others. If Speech Team doesn't kill me, nothing can. Except maybe the Winter Ball, which I suspect will be infested with goofy-looking frosh, who will surround goofy-looking Doug and goofy-looking me, and cannibalize us.

I'm in a weird mood. (As though you couldn't tell.) I think I'm going to stay in tonight and work on NB 5.5 and read David Sedaris, the funniest man alive.

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Thursday, December 06, 2001 @ 4:23 PM


Not much to say. Maniacally happy. Reading good books. Sufferin' through homework and tests, but it's not so bad. Going to the oh-so-ridiculous Winter Ball this Saturday night, with Doug. Dreading the next Speech meet. Christmas shopping. Days are good, nights are better.

And watching Buffy. Buffy makes me Zen.

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Tuesday, December 04, 2001 @ 12:58 PM


Today we finished up with the freshman Tolerance discussions. If you want to take one of the Hidden Bias Tests that we made them take, go to: http://tolerance.org/hidden_bias/test.html.

I understand that never-better.net is not working right now. T35, my hosting company, has vanished from the face of the Earth. I will figure out a solution to this problem, but right now, I'm very sick, and very tired, and I have a lot of homework to do. NB is low on the priority list as long as the journal, the board, and the quotes are still up and running. 5.5 is going to be ready soon anyway. I promise.

Today I'm going to the doctor. They will probably test me for mono. Pray for me.

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Saturday, December 01, 2001 @ 1:58 PM

Guess what today is? World AIDS Day. A few weeks ago, I signed up with Link and Think and agreed to talk about the influence of AIDS on my life.

I was supposed to work in the AIDS Day booth at school on Thursday, but unfortunately by Thursday morning my cold had turned into what I now suspect may be mono, and I was unable to get out of bed because every time I would move, someone would stick a screwdriver in my skull. Not to mention my glands are so swollen that I can barely swallow, and my voice sounds kind of like a toad. I realize that my sickness is nothing compared to the plague that is HIV, but it seemed worth mentioning.

AIDS has never really affected me personally, the way that say... lung cancer... has. I have never known anyone with AIDS, I've never known anyone who died from it. But it does have a presence in my life, if nothing else, through art. Rent deals extensively with HIV, so does Angels in America. So right there, you've got two pieces of American theatre dedicated to the courage of those who are suffering. Then you've got Philadelphia and Jeffrey - two movies that approach AIDS from two very different points of view. And something that's always plagued my mind - how sometimes it seems as though homosexuality and AIDS are inextricably linked, how that fallacy that is dangerous for our society to maintain.

My "generation," if you will, got the AIDS talks early. As early as fifth grade I think we had the health experts telling us, "No, you can't get AIDS from misquitoes, there are three ways: sharing of sex fluids, blood, or needles." It never seemed like something that I could possibly get. Honestly, it still doesn't. I didn't when I was in fourth grade, and I don't now, plan to try heroin or casual sex with strangers. Also, as the person who can't stand the sight of blood, it seems unlikely that I'm going to contract it through trying to help someone who's wounded. Does the disease have me scared? I will probably demand a blood test from every guy I have sex with - so that's a big yes.

I'd like to see everyone post any thoughts they have. I need to cough up some more phlegm, then crawl under the heating blanket and pass out. Hope I see you Monday!

Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

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