By Kellie Powell
Joan returns from a year away at college and confronts an old friend at her homecoming party. Just before Joan departed, her friend Helen did something Joan considers unforgivable - she failed to protect Joan from a possible threat of sexual assault. For more information on this monologue and the play it comes from, read this note from the playwright.
It happened right here, you know. Almost a year ago. Right before I left. He came to the party with Kevin and his friends. And he liked you right away. Like they always do. Oh, I got used to being invisible, whenever you were around a long time ago. I mean, just look at you. And look at me. If I were a guy, I wouldn't look twice at me, either. The point is, he wanted you. No surprise. He saw you, he wanted you. And you definitely didn't want him. And he could tell. And that was when I moved in for the kill.
We had all been drinking. People were starting to leave. We were sitting on the floor in the living room, and I kissed him. You saw us, and you watched me bring him up here. And then you went to sleep on the couch. Like you had a dozen other nights, after a dozen other parties. And then... everyone else left. I brought him here. We were kissing... and he was a good kisser. And he... he started... and I didn't stop him. And then, he went downstairs, to the bathroom. And he was gone a long time. And when he came back, he brought a condom.
I woke up the next morning, and he was gone. And I put on my clothes, and I came downstairs, and you were there, sleeping. And I woke you up, and I told you what had happened. I told you that I had slept with him. And you know what you told me? You said, "I woke up, in the middle of the night, and he was on top of me." He was feeling you up, in your sleep. He was groping you, basically molesting you... while you were passed out. You woke up, and his hand was in your crotch. I mean, that's what you said, right? It was... strange, how it didn't really seem to bother you. But I guess you've had guys do worse. You told me all this... so calmly. Like, it meant so little...
You said, "I woke up, and I made him stop, and I kept telling him, 'Go back to Joan. Go back upstairs with Joan.'" You said, "I gave him a condom from my purse." Why? Why would you do that? I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? A guy tries to assault you while you're passed out, and you think, "I know. I'll send him upstairs to my best friend." Why?
Why didn't you kick him out of my fucking house? You could have screamed bloody murder and woken up my parents. You could have threatened to press charges. What he did was assault. What do you think would have happened if you hadn't woken up? He could have raped you. And you... you sent him back to me. How generous. How benevolent. Why didn't you fucking warn me? Why did you wait until the next morning to tell me what he did? Why didn't you tell me right then? God, Helen. I mean, think about it. You send this guy, this guy... who has just violated you... up to my attic. What do you think would have happened if I had said no?
It never occurred to you... that I might say no? Well, sure. That makes sense. I mean, I had certainly brought enough guys up to the attic that summer, hadn't I? Yeah. I mean, I kissed this guy this guy, who I barely knew. So, I guess I deserved whatever I got. And you were right. I mean, I didn't say no. But I would have. If I had known what he had done to you, I would have. But you didn't know that? Oh, right. Because I'm such a slut, I'll fuck anyone. It's what you were thinking, though. It had to be. It's the only explanation. You had a chance to protect me, and you didn't. Because you never thought, not even for a second, that I would say no...
I was drowning! ...And you couldn't see it. You were my best friend. And you couldn't see it. All I wanted was for someone... to look at me the way they all looked at you. I just wanted someone... to want me. Someone, anyone. I didn't fuck those guys in the attic because I wanted to. I did it to prove that I existed. That I wasn't invisible. And you... you were oblivious.
I would have done anything to protect you. I would have done anything.
This monologue is from the ten-minute play Spilled Milk by Kellie Powell. If you would like to read the entire play, you can purchase and download an electronic copy (PDF) of the script for $5.00.
This monologue is brought to you by The Monologue Database and These Aren't My Shoes Productions.