The Dianalogues
By Laurel Haines

The play is a series of monologues, this one is called "Fat Camp." Doreen is fifteen.

DOREEN:

Look, you seem like a nice counselor. At least, you're the only one whose thighs have three dimensions. Can I tell you the truth? I don't want another chance. I want out. That's why I sabotaged the beauty pageant. I want to be expelled. Please. Help me get out of here. I've been coming here for six summers and I can't take another minute of it. This place is crazy. I mean, a beauty pageant for fat girls? Who are they kidding? We all prance around in our sensible one-piece swimsuits while the judges try not to laugh at us. We know. Look, I don't mean to be disrespectful. I tried to follow your program, I really did. I ate the fruit cup and the square of toast you put in front of me every morning. I spent my afternoons doing aerobics to "It's Raining Men" and "Oh, Mickey!" And at night I closed my eyes and tried to visualize myself shrinking. None of it worked. In fact, your program isn't working for anyone. The rest of my bunk survives by smuggling in Snickers bars and throwing them up at night. The PeeWees are popping Ex-Lax. They hide it in their training bras. And what about Judy, who went away for that mysterious week six to a "wedding"? Yeah, right. Try liposuction. Who comes back from a wedding with eggplant-sized bruises on their thighs? She said it was from waterskiiing, but smart people know better. I mean, how can you reward taht? You might as well put a crown on the vacuum!

So can I go now? Please? I mean really, you don't want to keep me around here. I'm dangerous. Who knows what I'll do? Can't you just chalk me up as a hopeless case? A loose cannon? A bad seed? OK. Fine. But you know what? From now on, I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want. Oh, I have ways of getting food. Many, many sources. And by the time this summer is over, I'll be the first Miss Camp Bluebird who will have gained fifty pounds. You can put THAT in your ad in the New York Times!

Order The Dianalogues published in Women Playwrights: The Best of 2003, from Amazon.

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