Elizabeth: I’m ready!

Colleen: Where’s the teacher? I wanna get started.

Wanda: I saw the teacher in the bathroom. She said to pick a seat. She’s throwing up.

Elizabeth: (Crosses to statue.) Hi, Jesus. Come here, Mr. Gunderson, say hi.

Wanda: Who’s Mr. Gunderson?

Elizabeth: My friend, she stays with me. Mr. Gunderson is a girl. She’s got a red dress on, with lots of bows. She doesn’t like this uniform.

Colleen: I don’t see her.

Elizabeth: She’s invisible to people.

Maria T: (Waves in the wrong direction.) My name is Maria Theresa Russo.

Elizabeth: She has long hair.

Maria T: I see it.

Wanda: Is she your sister?

Elizabeth: No, she’s my friend. I don’t talk to my family.

Colleen: I have my own room. My brothers are slobs. They jump on the couch when my mother’s not home. We are the only Catholics on the block, the rest of the families are Jews.

Wanda: I know some Jews.

Colleen: Shut up. My second best friend, Kitty, is a Jew. She has a little doll house with lights that turn on and off and-

Wanda: There were lots of Jews where we used to live.

Colleen: (Getting angry.) They go to church on Saturday and they all go to public school.

Maria T: When is the teacher going to stop throwing up? I don’t like it here.

Colleen: That’s a sin! You have to go on Sunday, right? Right?

Elizabeth: I don’t know.

Colleen: Well, I do, because I’m going to be a nun. Got a little doll that’s a nun. Sister is going to let me try on her bride’s veil.

Maria T: Do they have any hair underneath that bride’s veil?

Wanda: Oh, yes.

Colleen: Who says?

Wanda: My mother. She taught me a special hymn for the first day to sing, wanna hear?

Colleen: No.

Elizabeth: Yes.

Maria T: Lunch time already?

Elizabeth: That sound means the communists are sending a bomb over here! We all have to go home!

Wanda: But we just came here.

Elizabeth: There’s a bomb shelter in my apartment building. I got to call my grandmother so she can get on the bus and come over to the house before it goes off. She lives in the Bronx. My grandfather isn’t coming, he’s already dead.

Wanda: I’m getting the teacher. (Exits.)

Elizabeth: Red fiery stuff comes out of that bomb and if it falls on you it could burn your skin right off. And a sweater won’t save you, you need a raincoat.

Elizabeth: This Chinese guy got hit by the bomb the last time while he was riding his bicycle. He got squished right into the ground. You can go over there and see him right now. He’s still lying there, all flattened out.

Sis. Agnes: Boys and girls. My name is Sister Mary Agnes. (Writes it on the board.)

Maria T: Sister, there is a bomb coming over here.

Sis. Agnes: This is just a test. We hide here at school, in the basement. Now, even though this is a test and for some reason Father Moyhnihan, your principal, decided to pull the alarm on the first day of school, we must pretend it is real, so we will know what to do in case we are attacked. Now, your teacher, Sister Mary Claire has a big heart, but a very weak stomach. She’ll join us downstairs just as soon as she can.

Colleen: Sister, how old are you?

Sis. Agnes: Sixty-six.

Colleen: Wow.

Elizabeth: Sister, that’s how old my grandmother is. Do you know her?

Sis. Agnes: Follow me.

Elizabeth: Loretta Stokes.

Sis. Agnes: Pleased to meet you.

Elizabeth: (Going over her lesson.) Honor thy mother and father. Honor thy mother and father. Honor thy mother and father.

Sis. Lucille: (Entering classroom.) Good morning, boys and girls.

All: (Not all together.) Good morning, Sister Mary Lucille.

Sis. Lucille: Saints preserve us. Second graders, if you find an air raid drill so exhausting, God help you when the real thing comes along. You’ve been running up and down from the basement for a year and a half. It’s about time you developed some stamina. Second graders, take a crack at that word.

Wanda: (Raising her hand.) S-T-A-M-I-N-A. Stamina.

Sis. Lucille: That’s it. (To all.) Boys and girls, it will take hard work to maintain the reputation that Catholic schools all over the country have earned. Please try to rise to the occasion or get out. Stop cramming and put those catechisms away. Donna Maria Gianetta, if you don’t know it now, you never will! Elizabeth McHugh, stand up. Who made you?

Elizabeth: God made me.

Sis. Lucille: Why did God make you?

Elizabeth: God made me to feel this heart and when I’m all done with that to go back to his house in Heaven.

Sis. Lucille: Where did you get that answer?

Elizabeth: I asked God and He told me.

Sis. Lucille: Don’t you dare lie to me.

Elizabeth: I’m not lying, Sister.

Sis. Lucille: Saints in heaven preserve us. Don’t you dare stand in front of me and tell me that our Lord gave you that answer.

Elizabeth: Sister, that’s what He said.

Sis. Lucille: Well, that’s the wrong answer. Are you trying to tell me that God gave you the wrong answer? Because God is never wrong. Miss McHugh, I don’t know who you’re talking about, but it is not God. You will go home tonight and you will memorize the Baltimore Catechism or you will never receive the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. Do you understand me? Sit down.

Elizabeth: Yes, Sister. But I…

Sis. Lucille: There will be no “buts” about it. Miss Sluska the seven sacraments in order.

Wanda: (Sing-song.) Baptism, penance, First Holy Communion -

Sis. Lucille: Louder. The boys in the back can’t hear you.

Wanda: (Shouting.) Confirmation, Matrimony, Holy Orders, Extreme Unction.

Sis. Lucille: Miss Sluska, very good. And please thank your father for me and all the other sisters for our Sunday dinner. There was not a line of gristle in that roast. He is fondly remembered in our morning prayers.

Wanda: Yes, Sister.

Sis. Lucille: Miss Sluska is well on her way to making her first Holy Communion, which is more than I can say for a few select individuals in this classroom. Miss McHugh. Your parents are going to be in for the shock of their lives when all the other boys and girls are marching down the aisle to receive their first Holy Communion and you are not in line with them. Don’t laugh, Mr. Crawford, a few of you are headed in the same direction. Now, let us stand and review what we will say when we go into the confessional for our first confession. (Blesses herself as the girls stand and kneel.) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Girls: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

Sis. Lucille: This is my first confession.

Girls: This is my first confession.

Okay, everybody. This is church. This is God’s house. If you ever have to talk to him, just come right in and kneel down in one of these long chairs and start talking. But not too loud. In here you have to be real quiet. You might wake up the statues and they are praying to Jesus. (Bows her head.) Oh, I forgot to tell you something. Whenever you hear the name “Jesus” (bows) you have to bow your head or else you have a sin on your soul. Now, over there is the statue of Jesus’ mother. Her name is The Blessed Virgin Mary. She is not as important as Jesus (bows), so you don’t have to bow your head when you hear her name. All the girls sit on her side when they go to mass.

One time, I heard that Margaret Mary O’Donahugue, a sixth grader, was in church saying the rosary, that’s the necklace with beads on it for praying, she said that the Blessed Virgin Mary statue started crying right in the middle of Mass. I believe it, too. Sister says there are miracles, magic things that happen to people that are real good. Margaret Mary never gets in trouble. In class, she always gives the right answers, so I guess she deserves to see a miracle. Well, I’m going to see a miracle someday, too.

Anyway, the boys sit over there, on the other side, with the statue of Saint Joseph. He is Jesus’ father. (Bows.) Hey, you forgot to bow your head. Don’t do that ‘cause you’ll have a black spot on your soul and you’ll go straight to hell. Now in hell, it is real hot and you sweat a lot and little devils come and bite you all over. If you are real good, you get to go to Heaven. The best thing about Heaven is that you get to meet anyone you want. Let’s say I wanted to meet Joan of Arc… no… no… Cleopatra. I would go to one of the saints and he would give me a permission slip and I would fill it out and take it to Jesus. (Bows.) Hey, you didn’t bow your head. Okay, I warned you. Then I would fly across Heaven, ‘cause when you get in, they give you wings, and I would have a chat with Cleopatra. The only thing is that I hope everyone gets accepted into Heaven or else I would never see them again.

Jewish people can’t even go to Heaven. So if any of you are Jewish, I would change into a Catholic, or else you have to go straight to hell. Jewish people can’t even go to church. If I saw a Jewish person in church I would stand up and tell the priest that there was a Jewish person in church, and he would stop the Mass until they left. One time I heard this story and I know it is true, that a Jewish person went to church for two weeks disguised as a Catholic. He got communion every day except he took them out of his mouth so they wouldn’t melt and he put them in his kitchen cupboard so they would be safe. Then when he had gotten enough, thirteen or so, he put them in a frying pan and he cooked them and blood started dripping from the ceiling and it was Jesus’ blood. (Bows.)

You see that crucifix up there? That’s how Jesus died. The Jewish people put him up there and they killed hi. If a Jewish person walked in here, the statue would turn bloody. Jesus would start hurting from the nails. That’s all I wanted to say. I just wanted to tell you a few important things. I hope I haven’t hurt anyone’s feelings, but that’s the way it is. Oh, one more thing, if you ask Jesus a question, make sure to write down the answer real fast, so you don’t mess it up. ‘Cause if you mess up an answer from him it could get you in real bad trouble.

Colleen: I’m starving. I can’t wait to get hold of that host.

Wanda: That’s disgusting, Colleen, and now you have a black spot on your soul and you can’t receive.

Colleen: You believe anything.

Wanda: You better get out of this line or you’ll have a mortal sin.

Colleen: I don’t care. I decided not to be a nun.

Wanda: You could change your mind again when you get into high school, and then what would happen? (Raising hand.) Besides, I’m telling.

Colleen: (Pushing her arm down.) No, you’re not. Hey, look, your father. He’s standing up to take your picture. You better smile.

Maria T: Hey, Father Moyhnihan is four away. (The priest reaches them, and they each open their mouth to receive the host. They end by crossing themselves.)

Elizabeth: Hey, you guys? I bit the host.

Maria T: Which part? Maybe you bit the arm off the baby Jesus.

Elizabeth: You mean I have the arm of baby Jesus in my stomach? Oh, no.

Maria T: Ugh. It could be a leg.

Wanda: Elizabeth, you make me sick.

Elizabeth: Jesus is dying inside of me. I can feel it.

Wanda: Come on, Sister is calling our row.

Sis. Lucille: All right, class. You all looked beautiful on Saturday. That was one of God’s small miracles, and I am glad to see you have the spirit of the Holy Ghost inside of you. I hope to see a marked improvement in your conduct from this day forward. Don’t disappoint me or the Sacred Heart of Jesus or you will pay the consequences. (Passing out construction paper.) Now, I would like you all to draw something to decorate the classroom for Thanksgiving. Miss Russo, go around with the Mission Box. It’s obvious that you don’t suffer for lack of food. I will be watching to see who puts how much in. Mr. Vaccaro, squeeze that pocket. I have eyes in the back of my head, didn’t you know that? They were put there by Jesus Christ himself. Now, perhaps some of my students have reflected over the weekend and have come up with some things that they are thankful for this year and I am sure they would like to share those thoughts with Sister Mary Lucille and the rest of the class. (Wanda raises her hand.) Yes, Miss Sluska, why don’t you start? (Maria Theresa returns the box to Sister Mary Lucille.) One minute. (Shakes the box.) This is a disgrace. (Turns to the crucifix and shakes box to show how little is in it, before replacing.) This is what the second grade class has collected for you, today. Miss Sluska, go ahead.

Wanda: I am thankful that we have made our First Holy Communion and that we have a Catholic president.

Sis. Lucille: An Irish Catholic president.

Wanda: Yes, Sister.

Sis. Lucille: Very nice, Miss Sluska. Please thank your father for the lovely leg of lamb.

Wanda: Yes, Sister.

Sis Lucille: Saints preserve us, Maria Theresa Russo. Don’t suck your thumb in Sister Mary Lucille’s classroom. When your parents have a thousand dollars worth of orthodontist’s bills to pay, I will be happy to tell them that you sat in my classroom, sucking your thumb. Your parents can’t afford to take care of the nine children they have no, what kind of selfish daughter would expect them to pay for her bad habits in their later years? And tell your mother to scrub you down, you look like a stray cat. (Elizabeth raises her hand). Yes, Miss McHugh?

Elizabeth: Was Jesus a Jewish person? Some kids I know said that our God, Jesus is Jewish.

Sis. Lucille: In the two years you have been attending St. George’s School, has there been any mention of Jesus, other than as a Catholic?

Elizabeth: No, Sister, but I thought…

Sis. Lucille: Boys and girls, there is one thing, and only one thing you need to know about the Jews. They killed Jesus, and that is the beginning and the end of it.

Elizabeth: I am thankful for…

Sis. Lucille: Hold on there, Miss McHugh. Is that Cray-Pas on your desk? We use Crayola crayons in this classroom. Don’t we, class?

All: Yes, Sister.

Elizabeth: These are my grandmother’s. She used to be an artist. She said if I was real careful, I could bring them to school and…

Sis. Lucille: Class, Miss McHugh’s grandmother is an artist. The class is not impressed. Your grandmother is an artist, who cares? (Sister takes her crayons and throws them in the trash. Elizabeth sits at her desk and begins to cry.) No one told you to sit down, young lady. I would like to know, as I am sure the whole class would, what you are thankful for this year?

Elizabeth: I am thankful for… I can’t really be thankful for anything because the good things always turn bad.

Sis. Lucille: Why do they turn bad?

Elizabeth: Well, Sister, a lot of the time, you make them turn bad.

Sis. Lucille: Come here, Miss McHugh. I joined the convent at thirteen years of age and I began teaching when I was sixteen. I am now forty-seven years old. How many years have I been teaching?

Elizabeth: Thirty-one?

Sis. Lucille: Right on the button. God willing, I will be here for another thirty-one years, teaching long after you have gone. One day you will return and thank Sister for all she has done. Boys and girls, the sisters are not here to be popular. We are here to teach you and to discipline you (Pulls out ruler.), in spite of your bold and brazen ways. In all my years of teaching, I have never met a spirit I couldn’t break. Sometimes it takes one lesson, and sometimes it takes one hundred. (Slaps Elizabeth with ruler. The lights go down, and the girls re-enter their fourth grade classroom, 1965. Wanda sitting on the teacher’s desk with her legs crossed, the other girls standing around. Suddenly, Colleen notices Sister Mary Thomasina by the doorway and sneaks back to her desk. The others notice too late.)

Sis. T: What are you doing by my desk?

Maria T: I left my book up here, Sister.

Sis. T: Are you in the habit of dropping things on my desk? Sit down. (Maria sits down. Wanda has been trying to lower herself into her chair. Sister Mary Thomasina catches her midway down.) No, Wanda. Don’t you sit down just yet. Now girls, I don’t think it is necessary to make a spectacle of yourselves, especially in front of the boys, do you?

Wanda: No, Sister.

Sis. T: Wanda, get down. (Wanda stands beside her desk. Sister Mary Thomasina writes SIN OF PRIDE on the blackboard.) There is a sin called the “sin of pride.” It is when we call attention to ourselves that we are guilty of this sin. Now Wanda, it is obvious that you are guilty of this vice, and that you need to develop a little humility. Take your seat. (Wanda walks downstage and begins to address the audience. Everyone else freezes, spotlight on Wanda.)

Wanda: My father comes home from work every night and before he even takes off his hat, he drops a bag of leaky, smelly meat on the table for my mother. She waits to see if she should kiss him or not. If it is just hamburger, she grunts. If it is liver, she practically goes to Mars. I hate liver. I hate all things sometimes, even things I like. My ballet lessons, my dolls, and I hate my smartness. You know why? Because they were given to me. I am working on something that’s mine. I have been for along time.

After school, I go home and do all my homework right away so I can go down to my father’s store. He’s not really a bad man. I just don’t’ like him, or something. While he’s in the back room, sawing those bones out of the big legs of meat, I take some soda cans and crush them onto my shoes. I move some sawdust into a little pile on the floor, and start to dance. Not like Nancy Sinatra or Diana Ross - oh, I am so much better. As I’m dancing, my mind just lets go and all these little movies come into my head. My favorite - I’m on the Ed Sullivan show. I’m singing a song. Fake snow is falling all around me. I have on a sexy dress. It’s sort of a sad song and I look so incredibly beautiful that people in the audience are starting to cry. Well, I break into a tap dance, just to cheer them up. Later on, Ed Sullivan brings me backstage to the Beatle’s dressing room, and Paul asks me to marry him. I say, maybe in a couple of months, because I have my career to think about. I become an international superstar and I go to live in a penthouse apartment right on top of Radio City Music Hall. So for now, I don’t mind rehearsing in my father’s store. He stays out of my way. So, you just get ready, because even if it is a sin, I don’t care, I’m going to be famous. (She takes her seat, and the scene resumes.)

Sis. T: I have a short announcement to make. Mrs. Carlson, the lay teacher of the eight grade will be leaving us. She is getting married at the end of June. A new teacher has been assigned.

Maria T: I hope it’s a guy.

Sis. T: Maria Theresa, it most certainly is not a guy. Sister Mary Lucille will be moving up from the second grade. So there is a possibility that she will be seeing some old familiar faces in her class.

Maria T: Oh, God.

Sis. T: Now, will you take out your math textbooks, please. Colleen, would you please pass these papers out so we may get started? (Colleen passes out papers.) Maria Theresa, I would like to see your homework. Get it out. Quickly.

Maria T: (Handing her a torn and holey paper.) I had to erase a little, Sister.

Sis. T: This is very messy. I told you if you could not erase completely to make a new copy of your work. I know I said this to the entire class. This is not public school. If you want to go to public school, please take your books and messy papers and go down the street to public school. Fine. I didn’t think so. Then do the work the way I want it done. Now, I would like to have a math quiz. Who would like to start? (Wanda raises her hand.) Let’s have some new hands, for a change. (Elizabeth and Colleen raise their hands.) What a pleasant surprise. Colleen, come up front. Maria Theresa, what about you? Come on, come on.

Maria T: Yes, Sister.

Sis. T: We’ll start with the easy ones. Maria Theresa, five times five?

Maria T: Twenty-five.

Sis. T: Six times five?

Colleen: Thirty.

Sis. T: Four times four?

Maria T: Four times four equals sixteen.

Sis. T: Maria Theresa, please do not repeat the question. We have been doing these times tables since the beginning of the year. I think you have had sufficient time to get them into your head, don’t you agree?

Maria T: Yes, Sister.

Sis. T: Nine times six?

Colleen: Fifty-four.

Sis. T: Eight times eight? (Pause. Colleen whispers the answer to Maria Theresa.)

Maria T: Sixty-four.

Sis. T: Maria Theresa, did Colleen whisper that answer to you? Did I hear an answer whispered? I don’t like that one bit. If you do not know an answer, perhaps you should go stand in front of the blackboard and review your eight times tables. Turn around and press your nose against that blackboard. The rest of the class is dismissed for lunch. (All exit, Maria Theresa walks downstage and begins her monologue.)

Maria T: Late at night, when I’m lying in bed, I ask myself some math questions and I get all the answers right. Then when I wake up and go to school, and all the way there and all the way through religion class, the answers are still in my head. But right before math class, they fall out of my brain. I’m not stupid, even though my parents and Sister think so. If we had math first thing, maybe they wouldn’t go away. Sometimes, if my father comes home early from work, he helps me with my math homework. I don’t want him to, because if I give the wrong answer, he gets mad and hits me. Usually my mother makes him stop, but sometimes she’s giving one of the babies a bath and she doesn’t hear me. I think about math almost every single night. I can’t help it. It makes me feel weird, so usually I make a plan for a good happy dream, so I won’t have a scary one.

My favorite dream right now is that I live with someone else’s family. Like, I live with Donna Reed and I have an older brother and sister. Donna Reed sends me to a school where there is no math or spelling. My older brother takes me for rides in his yellow convertible, and my older sister combs my hair and lets me play with her make-up. Then we all get dressed up for dinner. Donna Reed always cooks something real good for dinner. She never makes eggplant parmesan and tuna casserole. After the family is finished, we go into the living room and everyone gathers around while I play the piano. Then my father, Mr. Reed, picks me up and carries me up the stairs to my room and tucks me into bed. Donna Reed kisses me on the forehead and tells me what a wonderful and beautiful daughter I am and how glad she is that she adopted me, and I fall asleep.

Sometimes I pray to Jesus about things, but Jesus tells me not to think that my parents don’t love me. He says that they won’t get mad if I bring home another bad mark in math and spelling, and I believe him, but something always happens when I get home anyway.

Elizabeth: Maria, she went to the convent to have lunch, come on.

Maria T: Elizabeth, do you think it’s a sin to pray to Jesus and ask Him to kill people in a car crash?

Elizabeth: Yes, I think so. But I think you can pray and ask Him to send them to a hospital for a little while. I don’t think that counts as a sin.

Maria T: Okay, repeat after me… Dear Jesus…

Elizabeth: Maria Theresa, this is your prayer, I don’t have to say it.

Maria T: But if two people say it, maybe He will listen harder. Please?

Elizabeth: … Dear Jesus…

Maria T: Please send Sister Mary Thomasina…

Elizabeth: (Crossing her fingers behind her back.) Please send Sister Mary Thomasina…

Maria T: And my whole family… especially my father…

Elizabeth: (Crossing her feet.) And my whole family… especially my father…

Maria T: To Saint Bernadette’s Hospital…

Elizabeth: To Saint Bernadette’s Hospital… Amen.

Maria T: I didn’t say Amen yet. At least until I graduate from eighth grade. Thank you very much, signed Maria Theresa Russo, fourth grade, Saint George’s School. Amen.

Elizabeth: At least until I graduate from eighth grade. Thank you very much, Maria Ther - (Maria Theresa nudges her.) Elizabeth, fourth grade, Saint George’s School, Amen.

Maria T: Okay, great. Elizabeth, you are my best friend. Let’s go eat. (Exits.)

Elizabeth: Jesus, this is Elizabeth McHugh, fourth grade, Saint George’s School. Please forget everything I just said about the hospital and everything. I was only kidding, and besides, I had my fingers crossed just in case you didn’t notice. Please don’t’ forget to take my name off the list of people who can‘t come into Heaven. Thank you very much. I’m sorry we haven’t been talking that much lately. Listen, can I ask you something? A couple of girls were wondering, are you Jewish? Please let me know. I love you, Elizabeth. Amen. (Starts to exit, runs back to genuflect, then exits as the lights go out.)

[Wanda: Hey, Colleen, how come Maria’s not in school today?

Colleen: Mr. Russo’s in jail.

Wanda: What?

Colleen: It’s true, I swear. My mother told me. Somebody pushed him out of line at the A&P. And he hit the guy on the head with a can of grapefruit juice.

Wanda: Really?

Colleen: Yeah, the cops came and everything. The whole family went to pick him up this morning. My mother told me I can’t go over to Maria’s house anymore, but I think I can still talk to her in school.]

Elizabeth: (Entering.) Hey, you guys, guess what?

Colleen: Thanks for calling me back last night, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: I’m sorry. My house was nuts last night. But I’ve got great news, my grandmother is moving in next week.

Colleen: Great.

Wanda: Is everyone excited?

Elizabeth: No. No one wants her but me. She’s going in my room. Mary Pat is moving into the living room. I can’t wait.

Colleen: Good luck.

Elizabeth: Why?

Wanda: Watch out, Colleen’s turning green.

Elizabeth: Why, what’s the matter?

Colleen: Just that when my grandmother moved in with us everything got creepy. She was always complaining. And she even had her own room. I wouldn’t sleep with her.

Elizabeth: Why not?

Colleen: ‘Cause she could just die right there while I was sleeping.

Elizabeth: My grandmother wouldn’t die on me, Colleen. She’s just sick and she can’t move around too much for a while.

Colleen: What about basketball?

Elizabeth: I can still go. Come on.

Sis. Germ: (Entering.) Good afternoon, boys and girls.

All: Good afternoon, Sister Mary Germaine.

Sis. Germ: You may all be seated. Now, Colleen has a little announcement to make. (Wanda raises her hand.) Yes, Wanda?

Wanda: Sister, I have an announcement about cheerleading.

Colleen: Copy cat.

Sis. Germ: We’ll hear about that tomorrow, thank you, Wanda.

Colleen: Ha.

Sis. Germ: Boys, file quietly to the back one by one and remove your sneakers and things from the cloakroom for physical fitness. Row one, Francis, you may start. Go on, Colleen.

Colleen: Saturday afternoon at 1:30 Father Moyhnihan is going to unlock St. Steven’s gym and all the girls are going to meet for the first round of basketball tryouts. Sister Mary Redemptor will show us what we need to know. My brother T.J. says “it’s not the strength, it’s the skill,” and he should know because he plays for Iona College. Now don’t forget sneakers so you won’t scratch the gym floor. Oh, and bring some shorts so that you can jump real high and still be modest. And no chewing gum, because it could go right down your throat and strangle you. Oh, and this year, we are going to get new uniforms, better than the cheerleaders.

Wanda: I doubt it.

Colleen: Fact of life.

Sis. Germ: Colleen, wrap it up, please.

Colleen: Yes, Sister. And it is good for school spirit and the church gets to make a lot of money because it costs fifty cents a head to get in.

Wanda: Who’s going to pay to see a bunch of girls, huh?

Elizabeth: When we start winning, they’ll be busting down the doors.

Colleen: That’s right. That’s all for today, Sister.

Sis. Germ: Colleen, you may be seated. Now, boys, are you all packed up? Good. File down to the gym. I don’t want to hear a single sound in that line. Terrence, take names. Now, who are the two girls who will report to us today? (Wanda and Elizabeth raise their hands.) Now, last week we were discussing puberty during health class… cane, regular bathing, deodorant, etc. Now, today girls, the assignment was to consult the “Pictorial Lives of the Saints” and report back to the class on what you found particularly relevant under the title, “Saint So-and-So, Virgin, comma, Martyr.” Then, right after these two reports, we will have another brief discussion on personal hygiene. Wanda, would you like to start?

Wanda: (Standing in front of teacher’s desk.) January 21^st, Saint Agnes, Virgin, Martyr, was twelve years old when she was led to the altar and was commanded to offer incense, which was part of the rules in Rome at the time. She didn’t want to offer incense because it was against her religion, so she raised her hand to Jesus, and made the sign of the cross. The king got really angry when he saw this, so he made her take off all her clothes and stand in front of the pagan crowd. But nobody could see her because Jesus performed a miracle and made a blinding light appear so everyone had to look away. One person, a guy, did not turn away, because he wanted to see St. Agnes naked. But the light made him blind and he had to be carried away. The king had St. Agnes’ head chopped off. Just before she died she managed to say, “Christ is my spouse. He chose me first and His will be done.” After she died, the angels came to get her body and took it straight to Heaven.

Sis. Germ: Now, Wanda, in your own words, can you tell the class what that story means to you?

Wanda: Well, that saint made up her mind that she wanted to follow Jesus and nothing was going to tempt her.

St. Germ: The Saint also represents youth. After all, she was only twelve years old. It illustrates how hard you must try to keep your innocence, doesn’t it, class?

All: Yes, Sister.

St. Germ: Also, the part of the story we haven’t discussed, was when the young man was blinded as he tried to gaze at the body of the young Saint. Now, girls, God protected St. Agnes from this man, and even though God is all-knowing, He can’t be in all places at all times. You must take some responsibility for yourselves. You are at the age where you are beginning to provoke the boys. I don’t want to see legs crossed in my classroom, and I don’t want to see uniform skirts that are shorter than regulation length. Now, Colleen, let’s hear from you.

Colleen: I have Saint Agatha, Virgin, Martyr. February 5^th. She was going to be Jesus’ spouse. A judge sent for her when he heard how pretty and rich she was. When she got there, she was thrown into jail because she refused to fall into sin with him. She was locked into a cell until she could change her mind, and then the judge started to torture her. He took one of her breasts and cut it off. And then Jesus heard her scream and sent one of the apostles to put it back on. (Starts to giggle.) And then Jesus accepted her prayer of wanting to join him in Heaven, so he ended her life. (Composes herself.) I’m sorry.

Sis. Germ: Sorry or not, Colleen, I have a few important things to say to you. The life of a Saint is a very important and holy thing, and I will not have that life mocked at in my classroom. It is sacrilegious and perhaps even a sin, I’ll have to check into that. Second, Colleen, and I want all the girls to listen closely to this because it concerns some of you. I have been keeping an eye on you and I am sorry to say that you are going right down the drain.

Colleen: Sister, I am not.

Sis. Germ: You might be dragging some of your friends down with you. There is a type of girl that gets into trouble, that gets a bad reputation. Colleen, stand over by that blackboard. Face us. Now, girls, looking at Colleen, you may not be able to tell from her outward appearance that her soul has turned black and shriveled up smaller and smaller, so that it has almost entirely disappeared.

Elizabeth: I disagree.

Sis. Germ: And who are you to disagree, Elizabeth? What kind of girl might choose Colleen for a friend? I would venture to guess and say someone who has a soul in the same sad condition.

Elizabeth: You can’t see Colleen’s soul.

Sis. Germ: Elizabeth, take yourself for a little walk down to the principal’s office.

Elizabeth: What should I say?

Sis. Germ: Say that you are doubting the word of Sister Mary Germaine and the Catholic Church.

Elizabeth: Yes, Sister. (Elizabeth exits.)

Sis. Germ: Enough said. You can use the rest of the time to clean out your desks and get your gear ready for physical fitness. Monica, go around with the wastebasket.

Colleen: Sister told everyone to finish up with their desks and pack up. I felt something. I tried to close my legs so it would stop. I held my stomach in, but it kept leaking. I didn’t know the whole thing was so messy. I was afraid to move. I asked Sister if I could go to the bathroom, but she hit me. The boys started coming into the room, but she didn’t care. I put my hands over my face, but she kept hitting me. She dug her nails into my side, and pushed me face-first into the blackboard. Everyone was looking at me. Then she made an announcement to the class, that in all her years of teaching, she had never come across someone with such a lack of concern for their personal hygiene. She said these things, right in front of everyone! I thought I was going to die. I ran to the nurse. I never want to go back there again. She wanted me to feel guilty. I do feel guilty. I wish I was dead. I wish I never had to see her, or anyone, ever again. I wish I had never become a woman. I’m no good at it. Is that what you wanted to hear, Sister? All right. I’m no good at it.

Maria T: Elizabeth, hi. I missed you soooo much. How was your summer?

Elizabeth: Great… Except, my grandmother had another heart attack.

Maria T: Oh, no.

Elizabeth: She’s much better now. Hey, did you see those guys walk on the moon?

Maria T: Nah, I fell asleep.

Elizabeth: It was neat. I was scared, for a minute. Oh, but you know, they made up that “one giant step…” slogan months before. Rip off.

Colleen: Hey, you guys.

Maria T: I got your postcard. “Wish you were here.” Ha ha.

Colleen: I wanted to bring back an alligator pocketbook, but my mother said it was too ugly. We don’t get along like we used to. She’s getting crazy. My brothers and I hung out, mostly. All the guys down there thought I was in high school.

Maria T: Big deal.

Elizabeth: Hey, did you see Wanda? She’s got these cool aviator glasses. She wears them just like Gloria Steinem.

Colleen: Who?

Maria T: The women’s libber.

Elizabeth: I’m glad we didn’t get Lucy for homeroom. Do you think she’ll recognize us?

Colleen: How could she forget?

Maria T: I think my mother might be having another baby.

Wanda: Your family multiplies like rabbits.

Maria T: At least we multiply, only-child Polack. What’s the matter with your mother?

Sis. Agnes: Good morning, boys and girls.

All: Good morning, Sister Agnes.

Sis. Agnes: Would two of you children come up here and pass these out? This will be a very big year for you eighth graders. We have a great deal to discuss. Now, this year, you will be graduating. In spite of that punch being spiked last year, there will be an eighth grade dance. Sister Mary Lucille will be handling the details. Oh, and we have to discuss the co-ops. Oh, at my first dance, I had the prettiest dress. White, of course, with small pearls around my neck. I had a lovely time, too. Rufus Quinn brought me a small bouquet of lilies of the valley, with a lilac ribbon around them.

Elizabeth: When are the co-ops, Sister?

Colleen: She can’t hear you, watch this. (Drops books on floor, loudly.)

Elizabeth: Is she ever going to get to the co-ops?

Sis. Agnes: Oh, look, you dropped your books, dear. Oh, and after we sang that hymn, I bent back my head and Rufus kissed me, right like that.

Maria T: She actually made out with a guy?

Elizabeth: What do you think she used to look like?

Colleen: Sister, have any of the other nuns made out with guys? What about Sister Mary Germaine?

Sis. Agnes: Oh, yes, dear. Sister Mary Germaine was quite a looker in her day. I have seen pictures.

Maria T: Sister, what happened to Rufus, is he a priest or something?

Sis. Agnes: After high school, he enlisted in the Army. He was killed in action.

Elizabeth: So you had to join the convent?

Sis. Agnes: I didn’t have to. I wanted to.

Elizabeth: Sometimes, I don’t think God knows what He’s doing.

Sis. Agnes: God always knows what He is doing, Loretta.

Elizabeth: Sister, my name is Elizabeth.

Colleen: She called you by your grandmother’s name. She’s spooky.

Elizabeth: Sister, I have a question. The co-ops?

Sis. Agnes: The results come in the mail. The children just line up by that phone in the hallway, and the noise is… well, I tell them that patience is a virtue, but you can’t tell children anything these days. The co-ops are the entrance exams you must take if you want to get into Catholic high school. Did we do this already? When you’re as old as I am, one year just blends into the next.

Colleen: No, Sister.

Sis. Agnes: Thank you, dear. Now, I will be teaching math and current events and… something else… well, don’t worry, it will come to me, it always does. Sister Mary Lucille will be teaching English and science in the classroom across the hall.

Maria T: I think it’s time to change classes, Sister.

Sis. Agnes: It is time to change classes. Would you like me to walk you?

Colleen: It’s right across the hall.

Sis. Agnes: Have a nice afternoon. Goodbye, Loretta.

Elizabeth: I said, my name is Elizabeth.

Maria T: Wanda, did you ever show up at Saint Mary’s open house yesterday?

Wanda: Yeah, I was in the science lab for most of it. We get to dissect frogs sophomore year.

Maria T: Oh.

Wanda: The science teacher showed me these little dead mice in jars. It was really neat.

Elizabeth: Did you see the principal? She’s real young. She doesn’t wear a habit. That place is perfect.

Maria T: What if I don’t get in?

Wanda: You’ll at least get on the waiting list. Don’t worry.

Sis. Lucille: Sit down. How many times do I have to tell you I don’t want to hear any laughing in the hallway? I will just sit back and see who gets into Catholic high school and who doesn’t. I have left students back in the eighth grade before and I will do it again. Now, business at hand. In three short weeks the archdiocese of New York will hold the Seventh Annual Forensic Tournament. Six students have submitted speeches on the theme for this year, “Outstanding Current World Leaders.” I want my class to capture that First Prize trophy. Mr. Egan, “Selected Works of Archbishop Fulton Sheen,” approved and good luck. And Wanda Sluska - “The Inaugural Address of our Late John Fitzgerald Kennedy,” wise choice, Miss Sluska. (Elizabeth raises her hand.) Between your elocution and style, Kennedy’s words, and my careful coaching, God will surely be on our side. Yes, Miss McHugh, what is it?

Elizabeth: Sister, I submitted a speech, and I was wondering-

Sis. Lucille: I was coming to that, Miss McHugh. Patience is a virtue. I have rejected your speech. In all good conscience, I cannot allow a student in my classroom to enter the Tournament with the words of a non-Catholic.

Elizabeth: But he was a Christian.

Sis. Lucille: “I Have a Dream” by Martin Luther King Jr., leave it to the public schools. Who exactly did Martin Luther King lead anyway? Now, we have exactly three and a half minutes to spend on the dance, no more, no less. The theme for this dance will be “Spring Flowers.” Miss Sluska, we expect a cold cut donation from your father. A few rules for the dance. No Beatles music. You will not bring any of the filth that is running around outside the school into the dance. None of the long hair, the cigarettes, or those Brits who run around saying that they are better than Jesus Christ. Now, boys and girls, you have heard a rumor about an incident that occurred in my classroom last year. That I took James Fowley’s head and smashed it against the blackboard. That is not a rumor, that is a fact. That boy provoked me. That boy’s parents marched right up to this school and walked through that very classroom door, and they thanked me. The same thing will happen to you if there is any sort of misconduct at the dance. No smoking, no drinking, and if there is any slow dancing, I want the couples dancing an arm’s length apart. That is enough room for you and the Holy Ghost. Have I made myself clear?

All: Yes, Sister Mary Lucille.

Colleen: Look at the boys, they’re all squished up there by the band. Nobody is going to dance with us.

Wanda: Well, we can dance with each other.

Colleen: Like a bunch of lesbos? Forget it.

Maria T: Hey, look, here comes Eddie.

Colleen: (Goes offstage in pursuit. Or perhaps to a boy in the audience?)

Wanda: Traitor.

Maria T: Not fair. I called dibs on Eddie.

Elizabeth: Sic your father on him.

Maria T: Don’t mention him. Ugh.

Colleen: (Coming back to group.) Hey, Wanda, I have a message for you. Five o’clock shadow wants to know if you want to dance?

Wanda: Frank?

Colleen: That’s what I said.

Wanda: Okay… (They move offstage.)

Elizabeth: Look, Maria. Your father is dancing with Lucy.

Maria T: Arm’s length apart, Sister. Perfect.

Elizabeth: Wanda? Wanda, are you deaf?

Maria T: Leave her alone, she’s in love.

Elizabeth: Listen to what I found. “The earnest Jewish piety of Jesus’ home, the character of his parents and especially of his mother… blah, blah, blah… all this helps to understand the profound religious development of the man Christ Jesus. The MAN Christ Jesus!”

Wanda: Hey, let me see that. They don’t even think Jesus was God.

Elizabeth: I know. And some people don’t think there is a God.

Maria T: They’re wrong, right?

Elizabeth: I’m copying this and three other things, and I’m going to send them to Sister Mary Lucille.

Maria T: Are you crazy?

Elizabeth: I may deliver them personally, depending on her behavior.

Wanda: When?

Elizabeth: I’ll know when the time is right.

Wanda: Don’t send it till after graduation.

Maria T: You’re taking your life in your hands.

Elizabeth: I am not.

Wanda: Don’t be too sure.

Sis. Lucille: (Entering.) Quiet down. I can hear that ruckus all the way across the hall. Sister Mary Agnes won’t be in today…

Elizabeth: Is she all right?

Sis. Lucille: She fell on her way from the convent. I will be taking both classes for the day. Oh, does someone want to register a complaint? Just stand right up and say so. Fine, I didn’t think so. Elizabeth McHugh, pack up your books and get your things together. (Puzzled, Elizabeth does so.) Now, as for these book reports. Mr. Joseph Ross, “Johnny Tremain.” It is not sufficient to report on only one page of a book. The page where Johnny gets his hand encased in silver may hold a fascination for you, but I fail to see this as the outstanding literary event of the twentieth century. No, this won’t do. Read the entire book, please. Wanda Sluska, “Atlas Shrugged” by Ian Rand.

Wanda: It’s Ayn Rand, Sister.

Sis. Lucille: Ian-ayn, Miss Sluska, see me after class.

Elizabeth: I’m ready.

Sis. Lucille: Class, if a girl refuses to learn her lesson, time and time again, God has a way of making his displeasure known. Elizabeth, you continue to disobey my will, which is God’s will, and therefore, he has sent you a personal message of disapproval that I have been entrusted to deliver. Your mother called in because your grandmother passed away this morning.

Maria T: Oh, no. Elizabeth, I’m so sorry.

Sis. Lucille: Keep quiet.

Elizabeth: (Quietly.) Jesus was a Jew.

Sis. Lucille: Excuse me?

Elizabeth: Jesus was a Jew.

Sis. Lucille: You shut your mouth, young lady. (She slaps Elizabeth. Elizabeth runs from the room. Wanda grabs the encyclopedia.)

Wanda: Jesus was a Jew, and I have the facts to back it up.

Maria T: Jesus really was a Jew. Read it, Wanda.

Wanda: “Jesus was the promised Messiah of Jewish expectation, that is, the exalted, semi-divine King of Israel, in the glorious age to come…”

Sis. Lucille: Who gave you that information?

Wanda: “In the end it was the Jerusalem hierarchy and the officers of the Roman army who put Jesus to death.” Catch, Maria.

Maria T: Jesus probably wasn’t any good at math, either. (The two run from the room, still carrying the encyclopedia.)

Wanda: Wait till the Pope hears about this!

Elizabeth: (To God, as though she is in church.) Hey, come on out, I want to talk to you. It’s me, Elizabeth. You can hide behind any statue in this place, but you better listen to me. I don’t know if you know this but after my grandmother moved in with us, everything was different. We used to sit in my room, after school. She’d ask me questions about all sorts of things. Then she’d listen to my answers real close because she said I was an important person. Some nights, after we went to bed, I would hear her talking to my grandmother in the dark. If I made any noise she’d stop. Because it was private. One night I saw that she was crying. I made some noise and she stopped. Then she asked me if I remembered my grandfather. I did, she liked that. We fell asleep on her bed like sisters. Sunday mornings were kind of strange. Nobody would give up eating bacon and some smells made her sick. My father would tell her if the grease bothered her so much, to take her eggs and go into the bedroom and wait until breakfast was over. I helped her stuff towels into the cracks under the door; but the smell got in anyway. Then my father would make me come back to the table and eat with the rest of the family. I’d go, but I wouldn’t eat that bacon. Sometimes, if she was feeling al ittle better we’d take short walks. After we had rested, she’d tell me stories about my mother and bring along pictures that I had never seen. I didn’t know why my mother was so sad and neither did my grandmother. One day, my father came home from work and told me that my grandmother would have to move back to the Bronx. He said it was just not working out. She needed more care and besides, she was making the family crazy. I told him that she wasn’t making me crazy. I told him she let me be near her. He didn’t understand that. And now I see that you didn’t either. You took her, and I don’t think that’s fair. You’re supposed to do the right thing, all the time. I don’t believe that anymore. You just like to punish people, you like to interrupt their lives. You didn’t let me finish. She doesn’t know what I think, and I was almost ready to tell her. Why don’t you take my mother next time? Oh, you like to take little kids, don’t you? Grab one of my brothers next, they’re all baptized. Why don’t you take my whole damn family, in one shot, then you won’t waste any time. That would be some joke. But I want to tell you something. It’s a personal message, I’m delivering it, myself. Don’t you ever lay your hands on me, cause if I ever see you, you can strike me dead… try… I will spit all over your face, whatever it looks like. Because you and everyone else are a bunch of liars. And I really think I hate you. Oh, and one more thing: You don’t exist.

Colleen: Elizabeth, I beg you. Don’t give up, don’t go to public school. Don’t let Lucy run your life.

Elizabeth: It’s not her, it’s Him. You know if you’re a Catholic, and you have something you love, He…

Maria T: He who?

Elizabeth: God.

Maria T: Oh.

Elizabeth: He finds out about it and then He takes it away. Just to punish you. So I don’t care about anything, anymore.

Colleen: God is going to let you into Saint Mary’s.

Elizabeth: No, he’s not.

Maria T: I agree with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: You do?

Maria T: Yup. How come I’m always failing math, huh? Punishment.

Colleen: Punishment for what?

Maria T: I don’t know.

Colleen: Sister, we were wondering if we could call our mothers. The co-op admission slips are in the mail today.

Sis. Agnes: Well, I don’t know, you girls are so noisy by that phone.

Colleen: Sister, you have to. I’m going to kill myself if I have to wait till three o’clock. Have a heart.

Sis. Agnes: Well, all right… Now… Ah, yes. Here is a rabbit’s foot for each of you to hold on to, while you’re on the phone.

Maria T: Thanks, Sister, that’s sweet.

Colleen: You’re a sly devil, Sister.

Sis. Agnes: Don’t thank me, thank Rufus. It was all his idea.

Maria T: Thanks, Rufus.

Colleen: Thanks, Rufus. Can we go, Sister?

Sis. Agnes: Yes, but please, children, keep the noise down.

Colleen: Elizabeth, come on!

Sis. Agnes: Get going, Loretta.

Elizabeth: I don’t care about Saint Mary’s. And I don’t believe in magic.

Sis. Agnes: What do you believe in, dear?

Elizabeth: Facts. I think it’s only fair to tell you that I am not a Catholic anymore, Sister. God hates me and I hate God. Sister Agnes, you’re really nice for a nun and all, but you’re all wrong about God.

Sis. Agnes: What do you mean?

Elizabeth: God is just a killer. He killed my grandmother, and he killed Rufus. You probably forgave him, but I never will. Never.

Sis. Agnes: That’s up to you. Stay angry, as long as you like. But I’ve got some bad news: God will never give up on you. And I don’t think you’ll be able to keep that heart of yours closed forever.

Elizabeth: Don’t bet on it, Sister. (Elizabeth exits.)

Colleen: Who’s first? Not me, that’s for sure. Maria, you go ahead, you first. Come on. I’m dying here!

Maria T: Mom? I just wanted to call and see if the mail was there yet. Ma, what does it say? I got in! I got in! Ma, there are other people waiting… I got in! I made it! Go ahead, Wanda.

Wanda: Tak man. Jestem bardzo pinecone. Czy otryzmalam stypendium? Skad?

Elizabeth: She doesn’t show any expression.

Wanda: Ze swietej marit swieteco ignaca. Wspaniale. Do zubaczenia. Kocham cie… Hey, I got a scholarship. Five hundred bucks.

Colleen: Big deal… Hi, Mom, it’s me. Me, Colleen. Brian, get off the extension! Yuch, he coughed right in my ear! What a freak. Did you get the mail yet? No, Mom, go get it. She didn’t get the mail yet, can you believe her? Not Daddy’s mail, my mail. Open it up! What does it say? Okay, ‘bye. All four schools!

Maria T: Which one are you going to?

Colleen: Saint Mary’s, of course. Elizabeth, go ahead.

Maria T: Our Father, Who art in Heaven…

Elizabeth: Cut it out, Maria, it’s already decided. Mom, hi. Did you get the mail yet? Did you open it? I didn’t? Okay, ‘bye, Mom.

Wanda: Oh, Elizabeth.

Colleen: Goddamn. (Covers her mouth quickly.)

Elizabeth: (Steps away from girls, looking very sad, then smiles.) Yeah, I’m kidding. I got in. (Mixed emotions.) Saint Mary’s, here we come. (Colleen, Maria Theresa, Wanda return to their desks pack up their books, listening while Elizabeth speaks in monologue spot.)

So, that’s it, I guess. Except that a couple of weeks ago, I was at a party. For some reason, I started telling all these… Catholic school stories. I hadn’t thought about that part of my life for a long time, but all the memories come back. We laughed for hours. Then, when I was leaving, someone I didn’t know very well, a public school refugee, asked me what I thought about God, now. I said I didn’t think anything about Him except that maybe He was actually a She. When I got home, I couldn’t get to sleep. So, I turned on the TV, and watched the end of “Miracle on 34^th Street.” The little girl was saying over and over in her sweet little MGM voice, “I believe, I believe,” over and over again. I turned it off, and, I started remembering how I used to believe in miracles. And that night, it seemed the whole process was beginning again. Because I found myself asking a vaguely familiar question into the darkness, “Are you there, Are you there?” (Lights come down slowly on Elizabeth.)